Well my name is Ryan and yes I'm of Irish Descent; hence, the irish user name of Seamus. [Four is my lucky number too]
I think I'll post a poem...........[I write poetry that rhymes, by the way]
Erroneous Love
I feel like givin up,
feel that I'm not even enough
I feel like throwin in the towl
I feel like jus' walking away
You know I love you girl
you're a dream thats come true
I wanna be with you till like forever
or till through on through
I don't want to wake up
from this constant dream....
AN people say this is erroneous love
or so it may jus' seem
But people will say what they want
But still I don't care what they say
An people will do what they like
But As long as your mine I'm still okay
'Cause I still love you, girl,
an I jus' want
All you have to offer me
Hear you call me 'your hun'
I'm tired of being alone;
tired of secretly crying
Jus' sick of people kickin me
When I'm down still I'm trying
To get back up
to be beaten back down
When it jus' feels like
I'm punching brick walls
An if you think that alls alot,
then we weren't meant to be
I just want some one nice
Who'd not make me cry
But that'd make me so happy
And feel like I can fly
Erroneous love, to me
There is no such thing
So say what you like
But I might not agree
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I'm with claudette on this one. It feels much more like lyrics and as such it isn't bad but as a poem it needs an awful lot more punctuation, the colloquial language doesn't work and you have to be more poetic. The rhyme is good with nice, subtle internal rhymes in places which are rather effective and the flow is reasonable but you need more imagery, you need to convey the emotions more effecitvely and you need to make it easiter to read - space it properly and perhaps change the colloquial language.
There were some things that really bothered me about this poem. For one, you have a lot of slang dialect in it, like jus' and an, which was kind of annoying to read. You also have no punctuation at all.
I'm almost hesitant to critique this because I'm not sure how I should take it--it almost seemed like a rap song? Or am I completely misinterpreting this?
Oh well... The big problem with this, poetically, is that you're speaking directly to the girl and not to your reader. You have to pay attention to your reader, too! Make us feel what you are feeling, and make us know what you are going through.
You might want to read some poetry collections, that will really help you out.
Just one thing,
make spaces.
Makes it much easier to read
Nice poem
loved it