Sorry, I posted Ch. 1 early.
If there was one thing I admired, it was a well-built machine.
"Lieutenant." One of the technicians saluted, unnecessarily. I flicked a casual gesture in return.
I stood watching as a leg was attached. The armor, probably inches thick, was painted blue and white. Its dull eyes, I knew, would glow when the Suit was activated.
"Hey, here's our new pilot! How are you, Sora?"
I turned to see an older man leaning against a console. "I'm fine, thank you. I can't recall your name."
"Call me Jeb; everyone does. I'll be your ground crew."
"Ok, but shouldn't there be more people on the crew?"
"You don't need 'em; at least with Unity you don't."
"Is that its name?"
"Her name," he admonished. "Just 'cause a thing doesn't talk, means it needs more respect."
I fell silent, watching Unity take shape. She was a pretty Suit, all blue and white. I smiled; blue for Sky, my name.*
Seeing as Jeb wanted me to respect her, I said, "It looks like you and I are partners. I don't know the first thing about Suit piloting."
"It's all right," I heard a voice in my ear. "I'll teach you."
I jumped six feet. "I'm hearing voices," I shouted.
"That's not voices; it's Unity!"
"Don't yank my chain, old man," I growled. "Talk some sense!"
"I am 'talking sense!' I tell you, you heard Unity!" His face grew stormy. "Come on, lady, help me out!"
"Of course," said the voice. This time I could hear it all around the hanger. It was soft and resonant, not like a machine at all.
Jeb seemed to read my mind. "She was recorded live. Relena, I think the girl's name was."
I gaped. "You mean the Relena Peacecraft?"
"The very same," he replied.
"I'm honored!" I turned to face Unity. "You and I will have a long correspondence." I notice for the first time that her eyes were blue, unique in any Mobile Suit. What was it I saw behind those pretty eyes?
*Sora means "sky" in Japanese.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter MS Unity: TrowaPoints:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
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140,099 Literary Works • 672,999 Reviews
I wish you had incorporated more about the selection process. How did Sora get to where he was? He could have proven himself on the battlefield, but you could also play around with other things. Maybe he bought his way into the MS unit, or maybe is a complete newbie fresh from Officer Training?
Or perhaps he came from a completely safe area like accounting or maintainence. Experiment!
Another thing I wish you had done more thoroughly was to describe the MS. I'd love it if the new pilot just sat there and gawked at this massive machine. It is the height of battlefield technology so it ought to be impressive, even if it is half constructed.
I'm not sure what Unity is, is it an AI?
Who is Ralena Peacecraft?
Okay, the "suits" are machines called "mobile suits." The Gundams are the elite of the suits. Unity is from my head, but there are five others. Wing Zero, Heavy Arms, Sandrock, Deathscythe, and Tallgeese are the original five.
Again, Sora is from my head. It's a common enough name. He'll pilot Unity, and find out she's more than he bargained for.
This is better than some prologues around here. I have to say, I was impressed by the ability of you to show us just a little of the place, the description, and all that, without making us disappointed. I liked the first sentence. It showed, not told.
Plus it was rather intriguing. However, I do not like it as a first sentence. It confuses the reader and turned my attention away from the main story.
Actually, the whole Suit and Unity thing was quite puzzling. What are the suits? Why do they speak? Why show respect? What is the main character like? And does this really need to be a prologue, or could it be just plain old Chapter 1?
Otherwise, great job! I liked it!
This was a nice prologue. Easy to understand, flows well and sets the scene well. A little more description never hurts but that can wait until later chapters and your dialogue was interesting and realistic. Oh and I only found one typo -
I noticed for the first time that her eyes were blue, unique in any Mobile Suit. [Don't switch tense unless it's completely necessary.]
Overall, a good start and I'll try to remember to take a look at the next chapter. If I don't within a few days, feel free to give me a nudge.