Published September 18, 2007
Sitting here thinking about you,
I here you call my name,
as i turn to see who is calling me,
I see no one, only your voice is heard.
I glance across the filled classroom,
to see if anyone has heard it too,
but no one seems to notice the look on my face.
I miss you so much,
I keep telling you that,
but you don't seem to hear me,
and you don't answer back.
So as the tears rolled down my face,
I glance across the room,
and I saw you amongst family and friends,
and the facial expression you had said that you were so sad.
I realized that it was your time to go,
but i will always love you,
and i will always miss you so.
As I look over I see you smiling at me,
I turned my head to see if anyone notices you,
but as soon as I turned back you were gone.
Then I heard you say softly,
"I love you...Goodbye"
"Goodbye" I said
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Canary word: Present
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141,441 Literary Works • 674,439 Reviews
AWWWW! *Snifs and blows nose*
Anyway, I liked this. The emotion is well portrayed. But, you NEED to fix the errors. I also suggest finding a title for it. Anything is better than: "Untitled"
I pretty much agree with Kitty other than that, but I didn't think it was that un-original.
Keep up the good work!
That was good, in all honesty. You could probably build up emotion a tad bit more, maybe lengthen it out to show that they can still "hear" the person though they're dead but not yet gone, so it seems.
Otherwise, I liked it. Good job.
Hmmm. I think you need to fix the tense changes and the punctuation could be improved but you have a reasonable base here. First, decide if you want to write it in past tense or present tense and change it to fit your decision. Then, read through and fix the typos like 'I here you call my name' should be 'I hear you call my name' and all the 'i's' should be capitalised. Thirdly, take a look at your punctuation. Read the poem out loud to yourself and that should help you place the punctuation in the right places.
Also, this poem does a lot of telling and at the moment it's nothing original. Add some imagery and poetic techniques to make it more unique and interesting.
Overall, it flows pretty well and it's a good start but it needs some more work before it will be perfect.
Awwh, pretty sad but nice too. It's really sweet and you use good imagary to portray the boy's feelings. Some parts flowed wonderfully, although in other, I just couldn't feel the surge of the "flow river" [like a call it] and it seemed to be strained.
Punctuation seems good and I like your structure.
Good work.