PenguinAttack

"Stupid commercial holiday," I declared, throwing back my hair. Cheers of agreement from the rest of the class. I think if this were a little more poetric it might work ...

First question, Vol; this starting bit in italics. Is it part of your story, or merely a commentary? If it's your commantary, nix it. ^^ It's not needed and clutters ...

The boy sobbed and squeezed his eyes shut, shaking his head. “I don’t know,” he wailed. “I don’t know who turned him in!” Hrm. Here the kid says more than ...

Yooooooohaaaaa! While I like the topic, and I like the idea of love's murder as well, this needs some work. You don't have any description here, how does the dying ...

Hey there Yoha. ^^ Hokay, I think your main problem is the structure. You lose rhythm through the length of your lines, seperating them when they don't need to be. ...

Hey there Laker, This seems more of a steam of consciousness than an actual poem. It doesn't have any of those elements we love in poetry, there's no imagery or ...

Hey Sugar. ^^ As I promised I'm here to have looksie. And I like it. I enjoy how you developed the story from where I read. One thing: "It was ...

A lovely poem here, you have a good sense of rhythm and I enjoy your description. I also like how you've ended it, and the meaning you portrayed. I don't ...

My dear, you make critiquing difficult, with how well you write. The only thing I found - excepting those already mentioned was in this line. "“Quiet.” The man stroked the ...

I thought the professor was quite well done. He's the cat and she is the mouse. And so he plays with her until he is finished with his fun, and ...

I actually quite like this. This coming from a woman with whom rhymes do not sit well. That said, this one line: "How could you, a man, crave" hits out ...

There were many concerns about it at first, but as time passed, it became a very popular place to go. No comma after “passed”? They were the single biggest reason ...

If knowledge is power, then one should look into everything. No comma Satanism is vastly misunderstood. People fear what they do not understand. Make into once sentence. He understood the ...

Hi there Kook. ^^ I've not seen you around - which may be because I'm blind - so I send a "hi, it's lovely to meet you through your poetry." ...

While our leaders slumber tame. Here you lose the stanza. "Leaders slumber tame" isn't clear. While I understand what you mean, it lacks correct grammar unless you place a comma ...