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139,595 Literary Works • 672,615 Reviews
Great detail and everything! Can't wait to read the next part! I didn't catch anything, but there might've been a few things at the very beginning...
D7M
"Red" instead of "read"
"he" should be capitalized.
I really liked this. Constance's robbery was my favorite part. Have nothing else to say. I look forward to the additions.
like you said, it was long. it was good, there was a lot of detail. i really liked it.-jeni
p.s it was long
First question, Vol; this starting bit in italics. Is it part of your story, or merely a commentary? If it's your commantary, nix it. ^^ It's not needed and clutters the entire start.
"She looked for all the world like a preppy young woman, about fifteen, with a boyfriend to worry about."
- That's slightly confusing, how would the idea of "a boyfriend to worry about" come across in her clothes or actions here? I didn't pick up on anything like that... it's assumptive and slightly odd? Perhaps I'm reading more into it than needed, though. ^^
"He looked absaloutly innocent, like a lone teenage boy out doing some shopping for his girlfriend's birthday. Nothing unusual."
- "absolutely" and again, it seems odd. He's just eating some chips... I don't know why he'd be a boy shopping for his girlfriend. The action seems too spcecific to me.
"We don't know how he did it, but somehow he smuggled some brass knuckles onto school campus."
- Is this particularily hard to do? It confuses me, and perhaps it's merely the difference in school experiences, but wouldn't it be relatively easy to "sneak" in something like that? Merely put it in a backpack and go? Perhaps some clarification is needed here.
"Sometimes he got angry enough to hit him, and I think that's what started it. "
- That's a pretty wild assumption for a police officer to make. I mean, violence may be a reason, but it might not be the reason... you know? It just seems a rather uninformed opinion.
I find your narrative intriguing and enjoy quite a bit of how you've structured, and written the piece. I think you have a slight problem with sentence structure at points, where it gets a little confising as to the subject of the line.
The entire section on the German girl seems a little... circumstantial and I think you should mention that. All of the findings were inconclusive as to it being her. And the stuff on the tyres was odd to say the least, very specific.
That said, a lot of this was info dumping. I understand the type of narrative, but I think you could insperse the information in lighter groups, allowing for a breather in between and letting us grow with the character.
Did the gang leaders name change between 1 and 2? because I thought he had a different name in the other, not Francisco?
So. In the end. I like this and look forward to more. You have some things to fix up throughout the narrative, but I like how this is working.
Nice work.
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
Thank you! I'm glad you can enjoy it without knowing what that means...I thought I explained that, but, looking back, I guess I didn't...*head/desk*
Los Malos means "the bad ones" in Spanish. heh. Sorry.
Yay! More! Sorry I didn't get around to it sooner, school and stuff...
Anyway, I liked this bit. The first part really just explained to us what was happening, this told us why it was happening, to some extent. It was nice to know about some of the people's past.
I think there was a lot of info-dumping. I mean, these kids obviously cause a lot of trouble! I would assume that the police would already know a lot of this stuff.
heroin
That was the only mistake I could find. The dialouge was all very natural, so kudos for that.
Can't wait for more!
Hello my dear this was great even though i don't know what Los Malos is.
But very good i like the little smilies in between it was cute.
Totally awesome have great day. Simon
hehe. I look forward to it too.
Well, Bayer was Paco's probation officer, I think I said that. And he knows Reiko for other reasons. These are the only known members to the police; the rest, they're not sure. They wanted to be seen on videa. It was intended to be a slap in the face for them. I don't think they knew they were watching for the Soves so closely.
Thank you very much!!
Congrats on updating!
This chapter was a bit of an info-dump, but you do it through dialogue, which softens the impact quite a bit. Good call.
The only thing that really bothered me was the video cameras. It appears to me that the gang members, being as hard-core as they are, wouldn't be caught on camera enough to be recognized. I mean, how do the police officers know who they are? Have they seen them enough times on camera to recognize their faces? Is the point just that the kids are hard to catch? Apparently they aren't too hard to point out and find on camera.
Yeah, that's my only nasty critique. I liked the dialogue. Nice job there.
Anyway, I'm out of time... I'll come back sometime and give it the fine tooth comb. *rubs hand together wickedly in anticipation*
~GryphonFledgling