Jenny sits and waits
As he comes closer
To her
I love him so much
she thinks to herself
so much
He comes nearer still
He smiles when he sees
her face
Nearer and nearer
He still comes to her
so close
She can feel his breath
Upon her soft face
So warm
Then he kisses her
So tender and sweet
and soft
He stops and smiles
And whispers to her
very quiet
Happy Valentine's
Is what he whispered
Then kissed
And her heart was full
From the bottom up
with love
For this special day
We celebrate love
together
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,730 Reviews
The poem is a sweet little one. As it was said though, it's a tad cliché. Though I don't know where to begin on how to be original. It's one of things that just happens to me.
I'd spruce it up a bit with some metaphors and other poetic devices.
Such as:
She can feel his breath
like winter wind on a window
I suppose. Just an example.
I don't think you really need to take the names out because people can relate to a poem just as easily if there's a name in it. That's really up to you though.
WOW! This poem was extra-special awesome!!!
You need punctuation! POETRY NEEDS PUNCTUATION!!!!
Okay, I'm kidding. Poetry is interperative, and therefore has no real need for anything specific. As long as it doesn't suck. ^-^
Which it doesn't. <3
~Nightfall
Hi Kook! Welcome to YWS there!
I am not very good with poetry, but will share with my thoughts.
I like the structure and the idea behind it, but I agree with penguin. Where the metaphors, the insightly imagery or the wonderful charactesr? I feel like I am dumped with a storyline, but no wonderful techniques. Think to yourself. What is love like? How could I use this in my poem?
I like this, it just doesn't anything for me.
Keep writing!
~D'Aedomir~
Hi there Kook. ^^
I've not seen you around - which may be because I'm blind - so I send a "hi, it's lovely to meet you through your poetry."
So, I get that this is a narrative... where I am lost is the "poetry" aspect. You have a story, and you have a basic structure, but that is it. You've got no metaphors, imagery, similies, or punctuation. I don't feel for the characters, and I can't see the event.
Here you have a skeleton, right, a basis for somethign that could be quite good. Perhaps if you described how she felt - not just thought - as he walked to her, how her spine shuddered and her breath quickened as she noticed his eyes lock on her form. How his smile quirked at the edges and she could see the grin reach his eyes.
Where is she sitting? What is she like, what is *he* like? Why does Jenny love him so much? Does he love her that much?
Many questions, aye? They can be answered in your poem. I think with some work this can be quite good. You just need to flesh it out some. Though I agree about the last stanza, it's unnecessary.
Good luck - Pm me if you alter it, I'd like to see it. ^^
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
This poem tore me. Half of it was really quite original, and I felt what you were writing about. Half of it was really over-the-top sickly sweet cliched stuff. But that's good, you've got something solid to work with.
I don't think you should name her. I think it's stronger if you've got, say, a situation that could apply to anyone. It's the universal I-love-my-boy/girlfriend-on-Valentine's-Day.
"She thinks to herself" is so unnecessary.
Really, have you heard three words more overused when refering to kisses? Pick some more. Or scrap the adjectives and talk about what he does or what she does.
YOu've already said he's whispering this.
This is where I just went..."No." Please don't tell us it's valentine's day, and don't have that little coda or whatever it was where the narrator comes in and tells us something we see on Valentine's cards or American tv shows all the time. SHOW us it's valentine's day. Where are these people? Make it subtle.