Published February 21, 2008
"Stupid commercial holiday," I declared,
throwing back my hair. Cheers of agreement
from the rest of the class.
And yet I pictured you waiting for me,
standing at the front gates wearing
that checked cap.
Smiling, red rose in hand,
with that look how clever i've been
spark in your eyes.
And when you weren't there,
I pictured arriving home, opening
the rusty iron gate and walking up the path,
stumbling over the bouquet left at the door.
Lillies, maybe. A sweet, overwhelming scent.
A note - love, always, love, forever.
And when there was no bouquet,
I pictured your car pulling up to the house,
one long sound of the horn drawing me to the window.
Outside, you climbing out of the sunroof,
sunflower in hand, laughing at your own
joke: "You thought I had forgotten!".
But no car. No horn. Just silence.
And finally I let myself relax into defeat.
There would be no flowers, no love notes. No you.
I went outside, picked a dandelion.
Put it in my hair and watched the sunrise.
"Stupid commercial holiday", I declared.
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141,357 Literary Works • 674,380 Reviews
I think if this were a little more poetric it might work better, say "tossing my hair back, to the cheering of my peers"? I like the declaration though.
hehehhee, that's just cute. ^^
I like the repetition, and the action here.
I think it is more like a narrative - and would have fit better in narrative poetry - but it is dangerously like prose. Perhaps if you had some more poetic techniques - metaphors or smilies?
That said, I love it as a piece. You can feel the persona, the emotion and you can travel with her imagination. I think you've done well, you just have to make it seem more like poetry. xD
Much luck with it, I like it.
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
I usually stay away from valentine poems, but this is pretty clever. I like the parallel of the first and last line.
Some lines are a little stilted, but overall it was a really good read.
The first and second stanzas read a lot like prose. I'd change that around so it doesn't.
Third stanza, maybe "quote" the italic bit. But definitely capitalize "I've."
Fourth stanza, the line break in line two is awkward. Put "opening" in the third line.
Fifth stanza I would change the last line to read:
A note - Love, always. Love, forever.
It feels more powerful, and capitalization is always a happy thing.
Seventh stanza, in the last line you don't need the period outside of the quotes because you already have an exclaimation inside the quotes.
Last stanza, comma inside the quotes.
Other than my nit-picks it's great! I love the idea and the concept. Isn't it so true that though we all seem to dislike romantic holidays, we always want something romatic to happen to us? XD Nice poem!
~Yoyo
Cool- more like a story than a poem, but all the better for it.
Havent got many issues with this, just a good job.
Eimearxx