Hi,
I don't write a lot of poems, so I tried one too see how it turned out. I personally don't think it's one of my best, but you guys can be the judge of that.
Tongue heavy
Stumbling over words
Can’t make any sen
Let go of him
Find bathroom
Slam door
Lock it
How many had I drank
Too much
Too many
So sick
Want to curl up and die
The pounding won’t stop
It rings in my ears
Slowly it goes
And I go with it
Throat dry
Vomit coming
Hurl
So tired
Want it to stop
So sick
Want to curl up and die
Why had I come?
I want to go home
Can’t move
It hurts so much
My foot slips
I fall to the floor
I stay there and cry
My vision goes fuzzy
Too much
Too many
So sick
Want to curl up and die
The dance goes on
As I lie here in pain
Wishing I hadn’t drank so many
My vision goes
My head stops hurting
I let myself go
Too much
Too many
So sick
I curl up and die.
Please Review!
Love,
N
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140,774 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
You go in and out of complete and incomplete sentences almost like nothing. I don't like this because there is no SENSE (lol) of continuity. Let me explain... every time there are a whole bunch of complete sentences there is a rhythm you fall into. But, when you reach a fragment, the stream is broken. And, this would be ok except you don't have any pattern to it. So, I cannot say I enjoyed it.
However, you had nice concept. This is very conversation and monologue-like. I am an actor so I can appreciate that. Now, just work on more streaming of thought and continuity of thought and it will be great. PM me when you get an edit!
I thought there was a little bit of rambling going on here but other than that, I thought it was decent.
Don't judge me on that though because I'm not much of a poetry girl myself and I am definetly not expert!
I would just suggest to try to make it less of a bundle of thoughts and into a steady stream of a story.
And that's really all the advise I have!
Keep Writing!
I loved this poem! It gad quite a bit of emotion to it.
I liked the idea an the words you used to describe it.
Very well thought and a very good idea.
Keep working!
shanan-cat!
I think this poem has a lot of potential. It has a certain energy behind it that could work well. The repetition was less annoying than it could have been, although the ending was kind of week.
Like Peng said, I think the one thing you need to work on is description. It's poetry, and poetry needs poetic elements. Metaphors, imagery. Thing about it for a while. Does the narrator have a taste in her mouth? Be specific. Does the room smell like anything? What does the narrator feel when he/she falls? Specific details can bring the poem to life.
Keep in mind as well that you have to give us a reason to care about your narrator. As well, in the end I end up asking myself, "What is this poem about?" Not all poems need central messages, but ones like these do better off with them. What are you trying to make your reader think about/fee/do/believe when they have finished reading this poem? Think about it for a while, and maybe you will realize you need to rewrite it or change some details.
G'luck!
I thought it was pretty good, and I liked the use of repetition
I'm not too great with crit but:
Why had I come? <-- I think that should be 'Why did I come?'
I want to go home
Can’t move
It hurts so much
Heya! Poetry isn't really for me, but I will give what I can here!
'sense'
I love that one!
I think, as much as that was a fantastic poem, honestly I thought it was really good, I would say maybe a full stop or soemthing at the end of each stanza. Otherwise you are blue at the end of reading it!
This was excellent, I loved the language and the way you phrased everything, the repetition, just great!
Keep Writing!
~D'Aedomir~
Why is there repitition of the same 3 lines which are
"Too much
Too many
So sick "
It is kind of annoying of the repition but its ok i guess. It depends though. Watch out for grammatical errors ok. I don't like the repetition. Sorry.
TTYL SimonCowellLuver
Hey there Laker,
This seems more of a steam of consciousness than an actual poem. It doesn't have any of those elements we love in poetry, there's no imagery or description. It also lacks metaphors or smilies, those techniques that make poetry what it is.
You need to describe what's happening, we know what's going on because you're so straight forward with it, but there's no room to connect with the persona. We stay detached and don't tend to care so much.
Also in this line:
"Can't make any sen"
"sen" = "sense" ^^
I think the addition of some description will really help. ^^
Pm me if you edit, I'd like to see how it goes.
*Hearts* Le Penguin