Megrim

Mostly being too forward, I think. On-the-nose? I understand Hilda's being very direct, but she still seems to be saying too much. If you think about a real conversation, even ...

Don't underestimate how well you can establish things like her relationship with Nia and the existence of psychphobia in a short amount of space! But we'll see when we get ...

Re #2 - initially there was mention of "first day," and talk about that, which is what confused me.

The four spots I pointed out all look better. The tell-turned-show in the very end is perfect--now keep doing that with all of it! As you say, you'll have to ...

Just had a "doh" moment thinking about the title... Finally realized this is a fanfiction for Elder Scrolls :P That explains A LOT of the worldbuilding haha! I know what ...

Scene shifts in manuscripts are marked by a centered #. In published books it usually looks like a *** so I always did that, but the proper way to do ...

I didn't catch that Vanessa was planning to hang around and keep a close eye, no.

Heh, I didn't read the other reviews before posting this time, and I see I'm not the only one talking about the omniscient :P

Oh and I also quite liked her reflection and "conversation" with her brother's memory.

The best way I've ever heard it is: "Confused character good. Confused reader bad."

That's why I think it's important to decide what the story you want to tell is. The most important, underlying thing that you want to explore. Because I could see ...

Yeah definitely, usually better to write full through then come back and edit.

Kinda feels like that now, TBH. After all, we show our character through how we react and respond to things. Seeing her in her safe normal environment doesn't do much ...

Such is the craft of writing! Maybe an offhand remark about the olden days that gives a wink wink nudge nudge that the "olden days" are today's modern days, or ...

I couldn't find a copy of the LOTR, but I do have the Hobbit, and both wizard & dwarves show up well before the first chapter is over. I also ...