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Young Writers Society


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The Elder Scrolls: Escape ~ Prologue

by XxXTheSwordsmanXxX


He could taste the blood that was slowly running down the back of his throat, the stench of it filled his nostrils. Do'amha wiped the trickle of blood his nose on the already blood-soaked wraps on his hands. Dingy cloth and orange fur tinted red from the blood of the Argonian beneath him.

He had long since forgotten the shock of how easy it is to kill with his bare hands. Now it was more like instinct now. The body of the scaled person person lay at his feet. The lifeless eyes staring up into some unseen afterlife that was now his freedom. A freedom that Do'amha never believed that he would find. How could there be an afterlife when they were already in Oblivion.

Do'amha didn't stay for the announcer's flowery words, putting a playful twist to the brutality of what took place. He had no patience for long winded speeches. He had killed another person. That was plain truth of it. The spectators had all witnessed it and had been cheering him on. He remembered the naivety of his first matches as he entered the fighter pits. Five years ago he never would have thought of taking the life of another, but as a slave he had no choice in the matter. Either he did as he was told, or he was whipped and starved as punishment. It took two years for them to reign in his rebellious nature.

Sitting down in his fighter cell he took a deep breath to calm the adrenaline shakes that were coursing through his veins. Down in the pits it was nothing like the arena. Just the looks of the other slaves we so very different. When in the arena, they were filled with anger and hatred for someone that they had never met before. In the pits everyone just looked...tired. No one talked. What was the point? You were just going to have to kill one of them anyways.

There was only one person that Do'amha called friend. “Do'amha took a serious beating out there, yes,” a young Khajiit said kneeling down beside him. She began to rub her black furred hands together until they were wrapped in a bright gold glow, much like her eyes, and placed them on Do'amha's face. He could feel the healing energy seeping through his orange and black striped fur to the wounds beneath. “You like being hit repeatedly?”

Do'amha chuckled as her hands pulled away from his newly healed features. “Perhaps it is the pain that I like more. Knowing that I am still alive and not lost in Oblivion,” he responded.

“Well brother,” she chided, “if you enjoy it so much, perhaps I will not heal you the next time that an Argonian breaks your nose, yes?”

“That would not be wise,” a voice said, cutting through the silence like a knife. The small group of slaves quickly parted, revealing a golden skinned man with sharp, pointed ears. Dressed in elegant clothing and his green eyes looking over Do'amha and Vajrasha with an appraising glare. “I need my best slave ready for battle at every moment, is that clear?”

“Of..of course, Master Omeloren,” Vajrasha answered with a bow of her head.

“And you,” the man said turning his gaze to Do'amha. “That Argonian should not have been that difficult to defeat. I wonder if you are holding back once again.”

“The Argonian was much stronger than he appeared, Master Omeloren,” Do'amha growled back. “And his wraps were hiding iron plates in them.”

“Iron plates you say. I will have to have a chat with his former owner. Get rested. You have another fight tomorrow.”

“I know I do. You have me fight every night,” Do'amha said with a shake of his head.

“Are you talking back to me, slave?”

For a long moment Do'amha just stared at the elf that had been his master for the last five years. Master Erendur Omeloren. A plantation owner and financial supporter of the Aldmeri Dominion. As much as Do'amha would love to leap onto the elf and begin beating him to death with his bare hands, he couldn't. He might get two or three shots in before the guards stopped him and he found his head severed from his neck. “No...Master Omeloren. Just stating what has been my life for the last few years,” he replied through clenched fangs.

“Good. I would hate to cancel the event because you were locked in The Box.”

Vajrasha flinched with Do'amha at the mention of The Box. Erendur turned on his heel and strode out of the pits with a superior air. “Gods I wish I could rip his throat out,” Do'amha growled.

Another blood sport spectacle was called out in the ring. A cheer went out on the other side of the wall as another two slave competitors began killing each other. “I'm sure that you aren't the first to think that, Do'amha,” Vajrasha said quietly.

“The Divines have a plan for us,” an Argonian with frills said tightly clutching an amulet of Stendarr.

“Damn the Divines,” Do'amha growled back. “If they truly had plans for us do you think they would leave us in the hands of these knife-ears? Ones that treat us like animals and get enjoyment from out of our pain? Where is your Divine of justice to punish those that have done this to us?”

The Argonian turned to him with an uncertain gaze. His faith having already been shaken with the horror that he witnessed in this place. Looking to his pendant one last time, he tore it from his neck and threw it into a small grate where the waste from the cages drained off into.

As the Argonian sulked away Vajrasha gave Do'amha a stern look. “I know that you have no belief in the Divines but that doesn't mean that you have to take away the hope of others.”

“Hope will only get you killed here,” he responded as he heard the crowd filing out of the underground stadium. The final fight of the night had been concluded and the victor had returned clutching his broken hand.

The door at the far side of the room opened and two high elves made their way down the line of cages, passing out food to the fighters. When they reached Do'amha's cage, they reached into the cart and pulled out a tray of fresh food. It wasn't like the nearly rotten food scraps that the other fighters were given. That was the treatment that you got for being the favorite fighter.

Vajrasha received a piece of stale bread as her supper for the evening and she sighed, having gotten the last of the food available. “They always leave me for last,” she said sitting on the floor in front of Do'amha.

“You hardly starve, sister,” Do'amha chuckled as he portioned half of his food for her to have. She was locked into his cage, a gift from Omeloren. He would periodically send him females. Rewards for having fought well. Vajrasha was the only one that he didn't send away. But he would not bed her. They had an arrangement. She would heal him after the matches and he would keep her safe.

“I am going to sleep early,” he said as he stretched out onto the stones. He always let her have the bed of straw. It never felt right to make her sleep on the hard stone. An arm over his eyes to block out the dim like of the torches, he drifted off into a dreamless sleep. After all, what was there to dream about when his only memories were those behind the iron bars?


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Fri Dec 22, 2017 5:45 pm
mellifera wrote a review...



Hey XxXTheSwordsmanXxX!

Now I know that you requested a review from me last year and I completely missed it. I'm so sorry it's taken this long, but I wanted to come by and try to get a few reviews in.
-though I would like to say, at least for this work, I can be of more help now then I could before, because I'm actually playing Oblivion and Skyrim right now so I know (kind of) what you're talking about :)

-I really like the way you describe everything and set your scenes. Your writing is clear and easy to follow, and I like the writing style/language you use in this story. Like here:

Sitting down in his fighter cell he took a deep breath to calm the adrenaline shakes that were coursing through his veins.


I've never heard an adrenaline rush/coming down from an adrenaline rush described as 'adrenaline shakes' before, but it's very accurate? Kudos for that.

He could taste the blood that was slowly running down the back of his throat


I would omit 'the'. That's just my personal opinion, but using 'the' makes it sound like it was already described, but it's the opening line so it hasn't. Not that it makes it confusing to read, but it just doesn't fit there.

Do'amha wiped the trickle of blood his nose


Did you mean 'trickle of blood from his nose' or 'trickle of blood coming out of his nose'? Because I don't follow 'blood his nose'.

Just the looks of the other slaves we so very different.


Another spot I noticed the sentence didn't make sense was here. Was the supposed to be 'Just the looks of the other slaves were so very different'?

-Now this might just be me (or that fact I'm still not well versed in ES lore), but it seems like the religious Argonian gives up on his faith waay too easy. I understand that being captive like that would be reason enough to give up on your faith, but he seems to be holding onto it one moment and then tossing it aside (quite literally) the next. To me, that just feels like a filler, though I think it could be a good setup to show the way the fighters are treated down there/to show different character.

The final fight of the night had been concluded and the victor had returned clutching his broken hand.


-Like I stated to the opening line, personal opinion, but I feel like 'his broken hand' should be changed to 'a broken hand' because, unless I just missed it, there is no previous setup for the reader to know he has a broken hand.

-I only really noticed it in the beginning, but some of the sentences got sorta choppy, like you were just stating facts or trying to tell us several things. It feels a little mechanical and awkward.

a voice said, cutting through the silence like a knife.


-Wasn't Do'amha and Vajrasha just talking? How could he cut through silence if it wasn't silent? I would either change that sentence, or add more pause between what Vajrasha says and what Omeloren says, though given the conversation, I would do the former.


Hopefully, I can get around to reading the next chapters! I'm interested to see what happens next, and I really like your writing style (which I already said, but bears repeating). Keep up the good work!

Again, I'm sorry this was so overdue. I hope this review was helpful, at least :) Have a wonderful day!

-scribbles




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Wed Sep 13, 2017 4:31 am
ardentlyThieving wrote a review...



Hey hey, Ardently! here for a review!!

Saw your latest chapter in the green room and was like "hey cool, an elder scrolls fic". Then I realized how many other chapters you've written and figured it might be a better idea to review one of them instead of jumping right in near the end, so here I am!

Firstly, I think this has been pointed out before, but your opening is mostly pretty strong. You immediately put us right there in the action, which makes me want to keep reading further. One thing, that I think Megrim pointed out, you do say blood a lot in that first paragraph. It just feels a little awkward to read, having the same word so much in three sentences. Other than that, really good.

Second paragraph is also pretty strong. The "protagonist lost their innocence" a long time ago is a bit of a trope, but it's not a bad one. Kind of immediately sets them up as an underdog, and makes the reader sympathize with them. I also like the nice little touch of using Oblivion as a substitute for hell, and I hope that continues, as it's just a small bit of world-building that makes a big difference. Should be a question mark at the end of that sentence though. Also, "The body of the scaled person person" remove a person.

I like how you established characters here. I've already talked a bit about Do'amha, with the whole underdog thing so I'll talk about your other two instead. I like how there's a contrast between Vajrasha and Do'amha in terms of personalities. She feels like a healer to me, if that makes sense. Also you nailed the Khajit way of speaking with her, which does make it more obvious that Do'amha doesn't talk like a Khajit at all. That feels like it could be a plot point though, in which case I'm interested how you're gonna explain it.

I also like how you established Omeloren as a villain without making him completely mustache-twirlingly evil in his way of speaking. He came off as sinister and callous without seeming overly stereotypical. Like, I'm glad you recognized the fact that he owns people makes him evil, without needing to have him kick puppies as well.

I also like how the relationship between Vajrasha and Do'amha seems quite realistic and sweet. Little things, like the way that they talk to each other and the fact that he shares his food and sleeps on the floor, go a long way to establish that these two care about each other.

~ Ardently! <3 ~




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Thu Sep 22, 2016 8:56 pm
tigeraye wrote a review...



Hello. I've been meaning to read this for a while because I keep seeing new chapters in the green room and love the Elder Scrolls series. I like to start over at the beginning instead of just jumping into the latest chapter, so here goes nothing:

This was fantastic, I just love so much about it. I was hooked from the beginning with the strong sensory detail that draws you and immerses you in the fantasy world, to the main character being incredibly tough-skinned and the other characters introduced both being charming, to the interesting plot of racism in the Elder Scrolls universe that's always fascinated me. This felt like a chapter with very few weak points at all.

I wish you would've said which race the main character is. The name makes him seem like a Khajiit, but he doesn't talk like one and acts more like an Orc. I think clarification would be nice for the dialogue about racism that follows. Also, I don't know how accessible this might seem to someone who is unfamiliar with TES -- you may want to clarify some of the lore a bit more.

Nitpicks and comments:

A freedom that Do'amha never believed that he would find. How could there be an afterlife when they were already in Oblivion.


This is confusing -- is the story taking place in the realm of Oblivion or are you using Oblivion as a euphemism for Hell?

A cheer went out on the other side of the wall as another two slave competitors began killing each other.


I actually like the lack of detail here; it goes well with what the main character thought about what he did as "just killing people".

As the Argonian sulked away Vajrasha gave Do'amha a stern look. “I know that you have no belief in the Divines but that doesn't mean that you have to take away the hope of others.”


Do Khajiits drop the way they usually talk when they're surprised or upset like that? I don't know if they do or not, I just find it interesting that she dropped it here.

Even though the end of this one lacked a strong hook to really keep a reader, I liked this enough that I still want to read on. This has a lot of cool things and you do a lot really well, thank you for sharing.






Thank you for your review. I would like to say that Do'alba is in fact a Khajiit, which was supposed to be determined from the description of having fur. The speech is something that is addressed a little in the next chapters.



tigeraye says...


gotcha, I overlooked that. Thanks.



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Tue Sep 13, 2016 12:17 am
Megrim wrote a review...



Hi there! I saw the next chapter up in the green room so figured I'd start here. I'm going to type down my impressions AS I read, so let's start!

---

There are a lot of repeated words, like "blood" in the first paragraph (four times), and the sentence, "Now it was more like instinct now." These look like editing errors, maybe?

Interesting set-up, that he's in an arena. You have my attention.

There are a lot of short sentences. Too many, I think. It makes the narrative feel overly choppy. I LOVE short sentences and probably have more short ones than long ones, but you could probably do with a touch more variation.

Hmmm, looks like a non-human creature and some healing magic. Interesting.

I will say, the "slaves brutally mistreated and forced to fight each other to the death" is a rather common trope. That in and of itself isn't enough to grab my interest.

The names are hard for me to pronounce in my head :(

A plantation owner--I like that. Calls back to real world slavery. What kind of plantation?

I'm not sure what an Argonian is, or what it means for one to have frills.

I like the religion, and how they've lost their belief.

I didn't realize they'd been returned to cages. I had pictured them in a post-match area, like a more open space where their wounds were tended or whatever and then they got returned to their cage. I didn't catch the line that said they had been returned.

Does he bed the other females?

Nice of him to let her have the straw.

---

Ok we're at the bottom! It's an intriguing opening, and naturally since it's full of pain and conflict I already love it :) I'm a sucker for terribly mistreated characters. I love dark stories, too.

I checked ahead and saw that the next chapter still has Do'amha as the POVC, and seems to take place after this one. Is there a reason this is a prologue and not a chapter 1? Typically prologues are separate to the main story either by time and space, or a different POV.




Megrim says...


Just had a "doh" moment thinking about the title... Finally realized this is a fanfiction for Elder Scrolls :P That explains A LOT of the worldbuilding haha! I know what the races and magic are :S I was being a dum-dum.



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Fri Sep 02, 2016 5:27 pm
Sheadun wrote a review...



Hello!

Okay so, I really enjoyed the writing and plot of this book! Really excited to see the rest of it :) First of all, there are a couple of Grammatical errors such as "of blood his nose" I'm sure this is a mistake, but just wanted to make sure you saw it! Maybe missing a word or two :) At one point, you say "person person" and I'm not sure if this is a mistake or just taken in the wrong context!

Also, "dressed in elegant clothing (instead of and, you can just use a comma!", his green eyes" etc.

One more quick thing, make sure not to use too many saids. This is one of my big problems! expand on using words like answered, replied, worried, etc.

Really nice work! I loved reading this :)

Thank you,
Shea :)




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Fri Sep 02, 2016 8:16 am
Lightsong wrote a review...



Hey, I'm going to start with this piece for RevMo. BE HONOURED. Lel, just kidding. :D Let's get into it.

He could taste the blood that was slowly running down the back of his throat, the stench of it filled his nostrils.


Perfect first line. It sets up the tone of the story and gives us an indication of what the protagonist is involved in. I think 'filled' is better switched with 'filling'.

Do'amha wiped the trickle of blood his nose on the already blood-soaked wraps on his hands.


This one doesn't really make sense to me. I think it's because something is missing along the line 'of blood his nose on'.

And... damn! Do'amha is a slave forced to fight with others. I'm not sure the proper term for this force fight, but the use of this brutal activity is interesting. The progression of Do from a fighter who couldn't even imagine himself taking other's life to one who has ceased any shock of easily murdering other is terrifying and realistic. It makes me wonder how he becomes like that, and also want an adequate consequences to those who have put him into such a torture (physically and mentally).

Down in the pits it was nothing like the arena. Just the looks of the other slaves we so very different.


I guess 'we' is supposed to be 'were'. Also, 'so very'? That's redundant in meaning! Either pick 'so' or 'very'. Putting them both together isn't going to make the message stronger.

Vajrasha is interesting character. Her introduction signifies the use of magic, and I wonder what's her official role in there? Just a mere healer, or someone who's also a fighter but can heal as well? Hmm. Also, you mention her as 'a young Khajiit'. Until you explain how does a Khajiit looks like (her golden eyes aren't enough, imo), you don't have to refer to her that way. However, you should, if her ethnicity contributes to the plot.

“Of..of course, Master Omeloren,” Vajrasha answered with a bow of her head.


Since the exchange between Vajrasha and Omeloren indicates the healing is what she's supposed to do, I'm sure now she's there to heal fighters. It makes me intrigue if there are fighters who she shouldn't heal, like the ones who don't disobey (as Do mentions, he is whipped and tortured if he does so). I also enjoy the exchange between Vajrasha and Do.

For a long moment Do'amha just stared at the elf that had been his master for the last five years.


Lel. I can't imagine a tiny, harmless elf being his master, but it seems the fiction this is based on defy typicality. Just pointing it out for no beneficial reason. xD

Vajrasha flinched with Do'amha at the mention of The Box. Erendur turned on his heel and strode out of the pits with a superior air. “Gods I wish I could rip his throat out,” Do'amha growled.


Don't forget to put a comma after 'Gods'. It's like, 'Hey, can you give me a cigarette please?' Also, since the paragraph is mix between others' and Do's dialogue, put the dialogue in a new paragraph. Each paragraph should focus on one person, and the dialogue (as long as the actions of who speak it) deserves its own paragraph.

I was hoping argument between Do and the Argonian who speaks of the Divine. I think that would set a nice conflict, telling us how a person who sticks to his religion and god view the hardships he's in, and how it's different with Do's. Instead, you make Do throw his belief with a few words. Hmm, not really liking that. :/ I feel like it's too easy, you know, even if the Argonian has seen the worst.

So, I'm going to take another revision on Vajrasha. Apparently, she's a gift to Do, and supposedly these gifts are in the form of female companions, so that they can be bed (nice term, anyway, sometimes I like subtlety). Since the only reason Do is given some healing is because it turns out one of Omeloren's gift can heal, it makes me suspect only the favourite fighters are healed. It's nice though that Vajrasha and Do make an agreement - it makes Vaj seems like a smart woman who would fight for her dignity.

I would like it if you give us some clues into their appearances. I'd love it if you show Do as a handsome masculine fighter (because of my own vanity lel) and Vaj as someone who looks tough or something like that. Overall, this is a solid chapter, and I generally avoid fanfictions but this one is done well! Good job, keep it up! :D






Thank you for your review. I really do appreciate it. I will address the errors that you found with my story but I would also like to speak with you on a few of your concerns.

I will admit that I probably rely on the idea of someone already knowing what a Khajiit and Argonian are from the game series that these are from, so I will work on adding the appereances a little more.

As far as the dynamic between the slaves and Omeloren, it is often a more business-like man that everyone fears. They are owned by him, so if he decides that he doesn't want them anymore they will be killed and resistance is met with such a violent consequence that it is quickly disregarded.

Vajrasha does have a very big part to this story, I just haven't gotten there yet, and I hope that you continue to read so that you can see what happens.

You're right that I could add a little more of an interaction with the Argonian about the Divines and I will look into that. I was really trying to push the feeling of complete despair for the slaves, so much so that they lose their faith in anything good.




Poetry is a phantom script telling how rainbows are made and why they go away.
— Carl Sandburg