The sky was a strange fuse of colors, the atmosphere unnatural to our standards. However humans, or “Inhabitants”, as they called it, did live around the grounds that were Earth. Not many were formed yet, only hundreds were currently walking the lands; and more still were in the making.
A young boy was scribbling in his book under a tree, which stood alone in the forming meadow. His brown hair was swept back into a sophisticated look, and a naivety shone in his soft green eyes. This was Xelos.
... I don’t know much about where I am and who these people are, or even what my purpose is… But I suppose with everything being created around me, you can’t really think, can you?...
Suddenly, he heard a rustle. He looked up, and then quickly leaned out of the way. A young girl, with full long brown locks that framed her childish face, jumped out of the tree with an armful of apples. She landed on her feet with a clunk_Considering she was wearing armor like her brother_ and turned to him. This was his sister, Solex.
“Haff nyu tried dese feengs?!” She said, her voice muffled from the food in her mouth. An apple dropped from the pile in her arms. She cleared her throat. “They’re delicious!”
Xelos pulled his book to his chest to protect it from food. “I'll… take your word for it," he cringed. "But we really shouldn’t eat if we don’t have to.” He looked back at his book, shutting it with a sigh.
“Hey! No need to be so uptight!” She put the apples next to her, sitting in front of him.“Enjoy things! It might be the first... Serious day, but don't you think you should ease up slightly?”
“I can't. This is very important," He insisted."Anyway, I am finished with my writing for today. But you need to remember that you have a job as well.” He handed her the book, looking her in the eye with a straight face.
She rolled her eyes. "I know, I know!" She took it as her purple-red eyes skimmed over the pages. She closed it, and her expression changed to a more serious one.
“I know this is the book of the whole world, but isn’t this a bit too serious?" She gave it back to him. "Why don’t you try writing something optimistic! We are the gods of this world, and you’re starting your first words like that?!” She cocked her head, lifting a brow.
“I would do that!" He smiled softly "But Xáos would not approve of it.” He huffed, furrowing his brows
“Why not?” She asked.
“Because he won't allow lies.” He looked down.
Solex sighed and placed a hand on his shoulder. He looked at it, then looked towards her.
"Well, I suppose it’s a good start, then." She reassured him with a confident smile on her face. "May the gods allow us to take easy measures once or twice in life, right Xelos?”
“Yes, you are correct about that.” He smiled. He tucked the book into a small satchel wrapped around his waist.
She sat beside him, handing him an apple. "It has been... two weeks?" She shined her own, taking a bite.
"I believe so." He stared at the ripe red fruit before taking a cautious bite.
"Good morning, you two. Come over here!" A familiar voice cooed out to them. They turned to the direction of the sound and smiled at the sight of long brown hair that fit her angled face and dropped to her lower waist. The goddess, or known to them as...
"Mama!" Solex ran to her, wrapping her arms her tightly and digging her head into the soft fabric of her white dress that suited her much better than that cloak. Xelos scrambled up and leaned against the tree. He kept a serious face, knowing it was best to give her space. She pulled him over anyway, making his expression melt into a big goofy smile. He gave in and embraced her, sighing happily.
"How've you been, my children?" She looked them over.
"We've been great!" Solex chirped. "Are we going to that one cool place you showed us?!"
"Yes, yes we are," She nodded, her voice oddly calm compared to the bubbly one just earlier."Matter of fact you are going to be training there for the first time. Those weapons you were given will have to be used for something much more than just display."
Xelos looked serious again, nodding. The goddess lifted her hand and the air in front of them rippled until there appeared a door. She opened it for them and they walked in. She followed after them, shutting the door and it disappeared out of sight.
The Library. A gorgeous building, already filled with lots and lots of books, containing everything they would learn: combat skills, possibly magic, and of course logic. In another room on the side was made for combat, filled with targets and cotton dummies. Solex pulled out Xelos' book and sat down at a table, cracking it open. She looked for any errors, humming. There weren't many, just a few punctuation problems. After she was done, she pushed the book across the table, away from her. She looked towards Xelos, admiring his dedication and action in his skills, his instantaneous answers to questions, his attacks and how they grew more fluid by the minute, the dummies being brought out were tearing into shreds, more and more, by the tens. She got up, wanting to try it herself, but the goddess kept her back. "It's not your turn yet."
"When will it be?" Solex asked with hope in her eyes.
"Possibly tomorrow." The goddess gave her a sad smile, knowing she really wanted to. "Xelos still has much more to learn."
"Oh... okay." Solex pouted and sat back down.
The next day came along. She finished her work, watching him again.
Mariko wounded herself, gritting her teeth. Xelos looked scared from what she did.
"Now, heal me with what I taught you."
"But, but-"
"No buts, Xelos. You need to learn this!"
He nodded, putting his hands on her arm, healing it rather sloppily. "I'm so sorry!"
"No, you did great for your first try!" She stood up, smiling proudly.
"Can I have my turn now?" Solex tugged on her dress from behind.
She turned to her, thought for a second, then shook her head indefinitely. "It might actually take a week, Solex. Your brother needs to know these things."
"But so do I!" she whined at her.
"I know, Solex, but it was not my orders, but your father's to concentrate on Xelos's work."
"..." She simply sat back down, huffing in impatience.
As expected, a week passed. Xelos was given a huge pile of books to study.
Solex watched in boredom. He's not doing any hands-on training. She has to be allowed to train now!
"... Mom-"
She shushed her. "We mustn't distract him."
And with that she gave up, looking away from them. towards that direction, she noticed a red glimmer. Curiously, she scooted out of her seat and walked to the shimmering light, getting brighter. It was peeking out of a black door, a woman standing in front of it, protecting it. She, of course, stopped her.
"What do you think you're doing?" She looked down at her. She looked rather old, wrinkles covering her face. She rubbed her eyes and squinted.
"There's something in the door!" she yelled at her."It's glowing!"
"And?" She put her hands on her hips."In what way is that a reason to go in there? It's a very dark room, and you are not allowed."
"But why?" Her curiosity was deemed to be the end of her at this point. The woman, however, did not budge, keeping a serious look on her face.
"Because... this room is filled with the worst ideas that the gods thought of. Dark magic, hexes... The uses of them were so impure, that not even the gods are allowed, or even watch over it! I do! And I guard it with my life, I'll tell you that." She smirked confidently.
Solex puffed her cheeks and sat down, but watched the light in that door as time passed. Soon it was time for them to leave the library.
For the next several years, Xelos wrote his entries, as Solex checked and read with a confident mind. Xelos trained, and Solex watched time and time again, still waiting for her turn. In the end of it all, the two never thought what they did was rather strange, nor did they think of changing their routine. If they lived on the right planet, this would've been a perfect set of routines, they would have been the perfect brother and sister, nothing would have gone wrong….
But the world wasn’t meant to be perfect.
It was destined for flaws.
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129,744 Literary Works • 671,510 Reviews
Hello again!
This was a really great chapter and a good start to a book
Positives-
This chapter has some really great features in it. For example, the characters are very clear and different making them interesting and relatable. Immediately you notice Solex will be the one to cause trouble just simply because of her nature. She is very carefree and doesn't take a lot seriously which makes Xelos her complete opposite. I also like how you set up the book in a very vague way as I have a feeling the guarded room is going to be important to this story. I like that because it then creates tension as to what is going to happen, it makes you want to read on.
Improvements-
I couldn't really find any error or things that greatly needed changing. However, I love description and I find that it's really important to a story so when Solex is bored within the library, maybe you could describe what it looks like. I think this will add to the story because, one, it helps to set the scene (it is a grand library or just a small one) and, two, it helps to show the reader how bored Solex is that is taking in her surrounding because there is nothing else to do.
Overall, really great piece and I will continue to read on when I get the chance. Keep writing
Thank you very much for the review!
Onto chapter one! Still loving the premise. However, I admit to finding myself rather confused. A few things confused me, especially at the beginning. While some became more clear over time, I still think there could be more clarification. In particular...
- Who's human and who's a god? At first I thought Xelos and Solex were humans. Then I thought they were gods. Then humans. Then both. And well, I just got myself confused.
- How long has it been since creation? Is it the first day?
- Where are they? Are they far away from other people (eg are people quite spread apart), or do the people all live close together on this planet?
The opening paragraphs, again, are something you may want to consider rephrasing. I once was taught that it's very common for beginner writers to start out with the "panoramic shot"--a paragraph of omniscient describing the "zoomed out" setting and setting up everything in the scene, and then "zooming in" to introduce the character, and then "zooming in" again into a deep POV and staying in that character's head the rest of the time. I feel like this is what you've done here, and it makes it hard to get a feel for the POV.
I think another thing you could do is "show" more. Take some time to breathe live into the setting, the characters, the scene. Mainly I think engaging more senses would help--sounds, the feel of the wind/air, that sort of thing. You could also be more descriptive in general, eg instead of saying she hurt herself and he healed it sloppily, WHAT does sloppily actually look like? Help me paint the picture in my head, and feel what the characters feel.
I noticed this is categorized as historical fiction, but I don't think this is. Seems like straight up fantasy to me? Considering it takes place on a different planet with a different history to ours.
Hoping to get through the next chapters soon! Happy writing.
1.) Xaos and Mariko made Solex and Xelos from their will, They are demigods. The humans were made from quasars. Solex and Xelos are meant to act rather humanly.
2.) "It's been... Two weeks?"
3.) The imperfect planet is.... Earth. (Says it in the prologue.) And as you read on, you'll see why it is Historical Fantasy.
Thanks for the review and I hope that helps!
Re #2 - initially there was mention of "first day," and talk about that, which is what confused me.
Hi, Zoe! Mage here to do the promised review! So let's get to it, shall we?
Like last time, I'll start with the overall problems and then move onto the specific comments I have on this chapter before ending it with a whole lot of praise because I'm in love with this story already.
I already went over the rules of dialogue in my last review, so just remember when editing to also apply them in this chapter. Also like I said last chapter, description occasionally coupled with dialogue is a great way to spice up your works. Of course everyone has their own specific styles - some people have more description than others. It's always good to experiment in order to decide what works best for you.
Like BlueAfrica and TheSilverFox said before me, more details on the training session in later drafts of this chapter or the future chapters would be nice. Even short flashbacks that advance the plot while showing the reader Xelos' training would work.
Alright, now onto the specifics!
I saw your response to the comment about italics earlier, but I just wanted to say that while the book is in a digital format, the italics seem out of place. They draw attention away from the chapter's beginning. But I love when chapters start like that, so if you could figure out some way for it not to seem out of place, definitely keep that.
I love when stories have terms like that. It always makes me smile.
The double usage of "tree" in this sentence makes it sound repetitive. May I suggest changing it to something along the lines of: "A young boy was scribbling in his book under a tree, which stood alone in the forming meadow."
Though this technically isn't a run-on sentence, it seems like one. I would suggest breaking it up into parts to make it easier to read.
I love both reading and writing characters with their mouths full of food while they're trying to say something.
I have two comments on this. The first is a question. How on Earth can I get this to magical and amazing library? I'm incredibly jealous of Xelos and Solex. My second comment is that we should try getting Solex on Young Writers Society so she can review people's stories.
I'm hopelessly in love with this part. Even more than I am with The Library, so that's definitely saying something.
My suggestion will always be to read your work out loud before your post. It will also, beginning with this chapter, be that you should devour any book that you happen to come across (not literally). It'll help you expand your vocabulary and improve your writing itself; it's an age old technique that has been proven multiple times to work.
This chapter fleshes out the two main characters more. From what I can see, Xelos is the calmer, more rule-following of the two, while Solex is probably going to be the one who goes into that dark room because she's become impatient. You've also presented an interesting situation. One sibling is learning, while the other has to watch as she awaits her promised training that still has yet to come after several years. I'm interested to see how this plays into their actions, and who the antagonists of this tale are going to be (hopefully I'll meet them soon!).
Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! Have a great day/night!
Thank you again for another amazing review!
I would have included the flashbacks, as they are an interesting idea; but, as they grow up, things change. Drastically to where their seasoned eyes will witness more than flashbacks. (Not saying anymore because of spoilers.)
You're welcome!
I understand. Well, if you ever find some way for flashbacks to work, go for it! 
Considering that bit of summary at the end with the “for the next several years,” I’d like to see Xelos and Solex training in more detail. As with the prologue, it feels like the main problem is that you started the chapter earlier than you needed to. Sure, you can show us Xelos and Solex on their first day on Earth—although it seems a little weird to do so, considering that’s like directly after the events of the prologue, which means the prologue could just be a first chapter instead.
But it makes a little more sense here to start off somewhere down the line, after Solex and Xelos have already spent a lot of time training, writing, editing, getting into trouble. Show us one of Xelos’ training sessions in detail. He trains in weaponry, which I can sort of picture from seeing that sort of thing before, but what about his training in logic and magic? Does he play endless games of chess or solve puzzles? Is his magic training theoretical or practical? Why does Xelos have to complete his training before Solex begins hers? Or at least that’s how I suppose it works because of this bit.
It could be that you started us off on their first day so we would notice the Pandora’s Door guarded by the old woman, full of things so awful that its safety isn’t even entrusted to the gods.
It’s an intriguing part of the scene and clearly important later on, but it’s okay to show us this door through Solex and Xelos’ more seasoned eyes of later years. Maybe they don’t really noticed it anymore because they see it every day, but you could even bring it up that way, like this.
And then you would go into your scene basically as it is now, except at the end you’d have to return us to the present.
I would do that but as I said (will say because I need to add an extra reply) more is explained as the chapters move on, more is built up, so to say. They get older and they show change slowly but surely.
Descriptions are also implied in the next chapter as well
Alright then; after having read the prologue, I thought that it would be appropriate if I were to check out the next chapter, so here I am! I'm just going to provide some of my thoughts and criticisms and such. Let's begin!
...So yeah, this is a good chapter. Well done! I'm impressed with the way that you've greatly expanded the scope of the original work by going into length about the nature of Earth and its inhabitants. There's something immensely fun about seeing people try to understand themselves and the world around them when that world is just starting to be constructed, and new people are making an appearance all the time. I mean, a whole new world opening itself up, with everyone figuring out their purposes and roles. That's what I love about this chapter - the sheer potential you have here to craft a unique and vibrant world. Xelos and Solex (whose names I just realized are anagrams of each other) are thus faced with a multitude of choices and decisions to make, and their responses are amusing. Solex seems to act carefree, friendly, and open, while her brother maintains a serious vibe. Yet they still have this lovely relationship, and work well with their mother and father, who seem kind and friendly enough. I must admit, I like how well you discussed the fact that they honestly do have the fate of the world on their shoulders, and they must now decide what to do about it.
Naturally, there will be tension in the future, and Solex's running into what is clearly a dark and foreboding section of the library seems to indicate she might be doing something brash soon. To be honest though, I find it a rather poor decision to leave such valuable and horrific information in place for kids - especially ones stuck in a boring position, like Solex inevitably is - and I'm surprised that Solex, who has been promised a training session that has not happened yet, hasn't already manipulated this. Yet, this world was never made to be perfect, and so it makes sense that there would be a repository acknowledging this. Nevertheless, I imagine she might come to eventually do so, or perhaps a new threat will rise to provide flaws and horrors, as the end of this story implies. It may even be the guardian, although that seems unlikely. So, when it comes to the key progression of events in your story, and the way that the narrative is created, as well as the emotions and potential that this story has, I'm impressed.
And that's about it! My only significant criticism here is that you tend to use the same word to open a few of your sentences, like "She" or "He." That's fine, of course, but it can get a tad tedious when you use it to open a few sentences in a row. You also appear to have duplicated "Solex sighed and placed a hand on his shoulder. He looked at it, then looked towards her."? I see it twice, anyways. Regardless, I love this story - it's fun, exciting, and I enjoyed reading this from start to finish. I'm curious to see what you'll do next, what with all this potential for a complex and vivid story. Great job!
Thank you for mentioning the duplicate. That was likely an error on my copying and pasting from Word.
As for the Dark room..... Well, I'm not gonna spoil anything. >:3
Hey there! Read the prologue as I felt it might have been important and boy was I right!
The prologue was a good read and this seems to be the same.
I would, however, like to point out a few flaws that THIS world is destined to have (heheh).
(quote)The sky was a strange fuse of colors(/quote)
I'm not quite sure why you made the first part in italics and then continue writing without.
(quote)However, humans, or “Inhabitants”(/quote)
The first comma shouldn't be there as it isn't adding extra information or a pause.
(quote)“Haffnyu tried fese feengs?!”(/quote)
I believe it would be better to write it as "Haffnyu tried dese fings?" It just seems a little more accurate to me.
There are also a few other punctuation errors as well as maybe one or two grammatical errors. But I'm not gonna list them all so, you're just gonna have scan through your post and see for yourself, it's all up to practice.
Otherwise, very intriguing and I would love to read more. Keep it up!
Thank you once again for the review!
The italics was basically portraying that fancy way that books start their chapters, in italics or Capital letters. And Alright, I'll fix up the other errors!
First of I would just like to say that I was very excited for this after reading the prologue.
I liked the imagery seen in the beginning of the chapter. It was almost poetic. The part where Solex's words were muffled because of the apple had me laughing out loud.
I like how you established two different personalities for the siblings so quickly. How Solex is so stubborn and cheerful and how Xelos is so studious. I also like how motherly the goddess is towards her children.
I have a strong feeling that the door will end up being opened at some point, and I'm excited to see what happens.
Finally I love your two closing sentences. It gives a bit of foreshadowing, yet still ends the chapter on a cliff hanger.
I saw a few spacing issues so maybe try reading over it before publishing so you can check for that.
Overall another strong entry to the story. Looking forward to the next one
Thank you!!!