MaryEvans

I feel she’s falling for him too fast. You need better establishment of the characters and their chemistry first. Have them go through some stuff together, slowly get to know ...

The beginning is a bit… awkward. Too much hammering on the “care/not care motif,” which carries on to the dialogue. You should probably tone it down, be more subtle, show ...

I’d look over the starting paragraph. The descriptions can be a bit clumsy at times and the action is “dampened” down by unnecessary words like right here: “His wings then ...

I’ve read this. I definitely remember reading this before. I recall the beginning was a bit sudden, seems better now, though I would still advise not to start your very ...

Your beginning is too sudden. You might want to set up things a bit better. Your tenses slip, pick one type and keep the entire narration in it, either past ...

The beginning drags a bit. You go on a too long about rage and how ‘wonderful’ a feeling it is. I think you can cut one sentence and not lose ...

Going in as much detail as I can: “I shouldn't have but I did as I had snapped a muttered 'fine' back.” Drop the “had.” Also the paragraph isn’t really ...

To start off: I think you should still try to coordinate the tenses. At least make sure every entry is in the same type of tense. Overall, it’s an interesting ...

A small note on the prologue, I looked it over, and I don’t think it’s necessary. It’s just a bunch of exposition which you can just convey through the actual ...

The beginning is a bit too sudden. Take your time to establish the scene, set the mood, and make sure everything is clear and visual. Stick to one type of ...

Ah… Much better. Nice structure in the opening paragraph but I would revise for repetitions. “magical dust sprinkling gesture” how does that look like? “hands out of the way of ...

I think you should revise the opening paragraphs,they are a bit of a jumble. (Also a typo “far to busy.”) I feel like I am missing something in between the ...

I'll start with a few minor nitpicks. “My father’s actions angered me” there’s something odd about this sentence. It creates a distance, a look from above rather than direct emotional ...

I like the formatting. You defeated the editor well. Well then, “Mud squishing between my toes and water splashing up soaking my jeans.” A fragment. You have a hell of ...

Oh god…that formatting… I know the editor can be a pain, but do something about it, its honestly hard to read. So with that out of the way… Your opening ...