Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
A dark hole appears on the ground in the middle of no where, as black smoke arises. Within the smoke, there is a muscular man shown kneeling with white golden hair as well as golden wings with a red scar down his back and front body. His wings then expand out as he begins to stand and look around. Moments later there is a great white light of a meteorite storming down from the sky with a whirlwind that follows. The impact makes a great noise as a slender naked man in bright shining wings appear.
"Raphael, you made a mistake following me here," the man who appeared from the ground said.
"Amon, I'm afriad I can't let you have your way down here, what ever happened to the hierarchy in hell, don't you have a place to be," Raphael replied.
"I'm tired of waiting and being under subordination in hell to Lucifer, it's time I come out of my shell and take over what's rightfully ours, this world." Amon then took a pause and continued. "Ironically, Lucifer kicked me out of hell, and I took most of hell with me." Raphael eyebrows began to raise and his lips began to go down.
"I was told to give you a warning, but at this rate, I can't let you have your way Amon, I'm sorry father, but I must disobey orders and stop this demon," Raphael said as he pulled out a bright shining sword from his heart.
"No, no, no Raphael, we play this game like your father and my former brother have, we lead an empire of followers, and when the time is right, we fight it out and see who wins, who has salvation, we fight for the souls of humanity now, in our hands, not in Gods' or in Lucifers', aren't we all tired of being suppressed, it's time we lead for once." Amon then began to approach Raphael. As Amon got within three feet Raphael swung his sword straight forward prompting Amon to jump back with his wings.
"Are you suggesting we rebel Amon, that won't get us far," Raphael responded.
"Your God gave you an order to warn me and not strike me right, and I know you are even doubtful of those commands. If you let me be, humanity is done for, and you know you can't live with yourself allowing that. Are you not tired of everything that has happened through the years, the wars, the deaths, the opportunities for paradise, does it not mess with your emotions." Amon paused as he stared straight at Raphael and continued.
"So I offer you a new age, I am the new leader of hell, the successor to Lucifer, and you the new leader of the angels, the new successor to your God. You follow your righteous ways, and I will follow my sinful ones," Amon said as Raphael eyes glowed. Raphael then proceeded to close his eyes, kneel down for about twenty seconds, raise his head and then gave a nod as he got ready to open his eyes and speak.
"Fine, I'll take the responsibility, and I know others in heaven will agree with me, it's time us angels run this our way." Amon then began to smile, and reply in a loud deep voice.
"Good, that's perfect, let this war begin then, the new age, Raphael versus Amon." Amon then proceeded to say "Bellum de hominis," as a ball about the size of a baby became visible from his stomach. It then began to climb from his stomach to his mouth, as Amon began to gag upon the ball reaching his throat. "Ugh, ahhhhhh, ga, ahhhhhh," were the sounds as the ball, now black, reached the opening of Amon's mouth. "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," was the sound roared as black smoke came pouring from Amon's mouth in great abundance that turned the sky dark upon reaching it and eventually spread out around the city in a matter of minutes. The black souls quickly ran into people's mouths and bodies as it represented the opening of hell and demons taking over souls, causing many bodies to drop and die. The streets then began to fill with smoke, screams and people running from it, with bodies convulsing as the smoke entered them through their mouths. When the last smoke left Amon's mouth, he wiped it and began to speak.
"This city will be mine, I will rebuild it with the help of my fellow brothers." A crack on the ground behind Amon began to grow leading to the ground falling apart in what seemed to be an earthquake. A black smoke then appeared out of the crack as six figures arised from the smoke, causing the seven deadly sins to reunite, with Belphegor of sloth, Mammon of greed, Beelzebub of gluttony, Asmodeus of lust, Leviathan of envy, Satan the new prince of pride, and Amon himself of wrath.
Raphael looked on as his mouth lowered to extreme levels. "Goodness gracious, look at this horror, these beasts, I'm sorry for all these people." Raphael then proceeded to slam his sword to the ground, causing a circle of light about six feet wide to appear with a star in the middle under the sword. The circle proceeded to let out a light that sprung upwards to the sky, allowing a great light to appear out of the mostly dark clouded surroundings. Great beams of meteorites then began to fall from the light and crash towards the land, prompting people in wings to come out. They then proceeded to go directly into people roaming the streets who weren't yet infected with black smoke, and take control of their body. Upon entering one's body, the angels would let out a great light within their host, causing them to scream and then close their eyes, resembling death while standing still. Seconds later their eyes would open with a great fire, and the possession of the angel to their host would be complete. The ground behind Raphael began to break as well, and an earthquake began to happen, prompting two angels, Michael and Gabriel, to come out and join Raphael.
"Ok Amon, let this war begin, let's do this the right way, we keep our heaven and hell on earth, and fight for total domination." A great dove of thunder from the sky then appeared out of no where and rushed towards both Raphael and Amon.
"Your God has other plans Raphael," Amon said as he turned towards the thunder dove and then proceeded to shoot a great black beam from his mouth.
"He has come too late," Raphael said as he took his sword and pointed it towards the sky prompting a beam of light to come out from it. Both Amon's and Raphael's beams of energy eventually met and collided with the great thunder dove, causing a great explosion of energy that produced the sound of a thousand thunders over the land. The sound caused all technology to stop working and humans who weren't possessed by neither angel or demon instantly bled from their ears and die.
A great hiss that engrossed the land then came as a great snake raised from the ground twenty feet from Amon and Raphael. It then proceeded to rush at the group with it's two great fangs. Satan, a red man surrounded in what was fleshes of blood and worms with two golden horns on his head, the new prince of pride, then proceeded to open his palm, allowing a great dark beam to exit it. The beam then went full speed at the serpent. Upon colliding with it, the serpent burned in black smoke as Satan responded, "You are no longer the prince of pride Lucifer, you have dishonored sin." Amon then began to laugh, and walked towards Raphael, extending his hand. Raphael put his sword back into his chest and extended his arm, allowing the two to shake hands and form a new dynasty.
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Canary word: Present
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125,494 Literary Works • 672,931 Reviews
Well wow! So you are bringing a new twist to the heaven/hell/earth tale I see. New twists are good. I like the paradoxical situation of the two new leaders being partners and enemies at the same time. If I read correctly, they even teamed up to defeat... God? If that is the case though, God is way to weak. So the physical representations of power and of the deadly sins are really spectacular. I love how quickly things escalate from a conversation to a bloody world war! One problem I have though is how quickly Raphael betrays God, although this could say that it was in the back of his mind all along and his cunning enemy just dragged it out.
So both enemies have to somewhat join forces to defeat their previous commanders I see. Well this premise is a beautiful chapter 1. It could even be made into a prologue if you want, and then the story would start after the empires are in full swing. Whichever way, I love the idea here!
So on the technical, nitpick side of things now, ensure that you proofread your work for typos and grammar glitches. There are a few scattered about in the chapter that can be a little distracting, for example, "no where" should be "nowhere" - line 1, and
"expand out" is redundant. I won't bother to try to find all the little errors and make a fuss of them, but cleaning up the work really adds a nice polish to it.
Great chapter! I WILL be reading more right away!
Hey.
OK he wants power, but why? What is he going to do with all that power?
Heh, one minute he's trying to stop Raphael from having his way, the next, he's all fine about it. And where did this change of heart come from? Really rushed writing here.
Ugh. First of all, both are mutually in agreement that they aren't happy with the current hierarchy and order of things in both Heaven and Hell, so shouldn't they work together at first to dethrone the people in charge, then worry about the war between good and evil? Really stupid to be fighting now when they've accomplished nothing in getting what they want right now. Second of all, Amon started this whole thing because she is fed up with the warring and deaths, and yet he has no qualms in starting a war himself which could results in countless deaths. You could argue that "Oh this is the war that will end all wars" but it makes him an absolute hypocrite for having to start a massive war himself. Really can't take this character seriously if he can't even keep to his belief system.
No he's not sorry. If he strongly believed in good, then he would of just outright ignored Amon in the first place and did his job in taking him down.
Overall impressions:
This was a mess, and a lot of it made no logical sense whatsoever. Where do I begin? First of all, Amon's motive to change the hierarchy is severely under plotted. Characters don't just want to dethrone someone because they want to be the next king or whatever. The point is, what do you intend to do with all that power? OK, you gave a little explanation through dialogue that he doesn't the pointless deaths and fighting and how things are run, but if you have that as your reason, do you know how many plot holes you will run into?
You've already ran into one by having Amon start a war himself and making himself a total hypocrite. Here's another: Would the demons in hell actually follow Amon? Let's say there are demons that support his cause of wanting this fighting to all stop, how can they be certain that they can trust him and support his cause? (more on that later). And what is Amon doing on Earth? If he wants this fighting to stop, shouldn't he instead be in Hell and try to take on Lucifer himself, the demon instigating all this fighting? What is he going to achieve by being on Earth?
And here comes the biggest plot hole of them all: You had Amon telling Raphael to go follow his good ways, and he'll continue following his bad ways. So let's say Amon did take over the throne from Lucifer, then wouldn't the fighting still continue since by nature, he likes to do bad things, and God and the angels do not like that, and so there will continue to be conflict. Do you see where I'm going with this? Your angels and demons are so absolute good and evil respectively that your whole plot falls apart because of this. It doesn't matter if they get to be in charge, because their supposed objective of stopping all these wars will just continue to happen, so it makes me dubious of their cause. The only way I think you can get out of this pit you are in now is if you don't follow the traditional angels and demons completely, but take some liberties by inventing your own kinds of angels and demons. You need some demons and angels which are morally grey (e.g: They were originally banished from Heaven to Hell, but they've learned the error of their ways and just want this fighting to stop).
And don't get me started on Raphael. Come on now, he has a good thing going being an angel. I don't see why he would want to randomly rebel all of a sudden. Goes to show how sketchy and paper thin the motivations of these characters are.
Andy.
This is an interesting concept. There are some grammatical errors, and the way you described certain things was hard for a reader like me to fully understand.
Honestly though, I want to see where this leads to and what happens in the end. I hope that you have a plan of how his goes because I would be completely stuck on this subject.
Anyways, great idea, and I wish you the best in writing.
I’d look over the starting paragraph. The descriptions can be a bit clumsy at times and the action is “dampened” down by unnecessary words like right here: “His wings then expand out” get rid of the “then” and see how much better it sounds. Or “he begins to stand” to “as he stands (straight/in his full height)”
And finally this: “Moments later there is a great white light of a meteorite storming down” to “Moments later a great white light of a meteorite storms down” see how much more direct it is by removing only a few unnecessary words?
The dialogue is a bit repetitive. Also, as it proceeds you expose through it too much. Try to keep exposition out of speech.
(“Amon then took a pause” to simply “Amon paused.” And “Raphael eyebrows began to raise and his lips began to go down. “ to “Raphael’s brows rose and lips frowned.” You get my drift. Go over it and hunt down all the unnecessary words, kill most of the passive voice.)
So those are my biggest complains. I like how the story begins, great beings from the sky and from the depths of the earth, monsters and the promise of a war. So good stuff. Just make sure to straighten up your actions, make them more direct, and smooth out the descriptions.