Evangeline I: The Murder
"Slice off the she-demon's toes, and feed them to the crows!" shrieked a beggar.
"Then let the sorceress drown in a pool of her own blood!" bellowed a woman who had brought her two infant children to the hanging, and she threw a copper to the man, nodding and smiling at him to show their shared disgust.
Evangeline leapt over the beggar, squeezed through the legs of the woman, and elbowed her way through the crowd whose voices were nearly all joined together in one cry of "BURN THE WITCH!"
Just one puny, pitiful group of students from the University of Science and Innovation shouted to the contrary- "FREE AREAI! LEARNING IS NOT A CRIME!"- as they tried to fight off the Malicia with their placards. Swinging her sign declaring "EDUCATION IS OUR RIGHT!" towards a Malicia club, one protester hit Evangeline, propelling her forwards into the throng surrounding the pyre that had already been built.
Evangeline could glimpse the Justice sitting upon his raised throne at the opposite end of the court. But where was Areia? Evangeline craned her neck, hoping to get a view of the dungeon gate, but it was no use; she would have to get nearer if she hoped to see anything.
All of a sudden, the crowd's chanting reached a tumultuous roar. They've brought her out, Evangeline thought, heartbeat quickening, and with one last shove she reached the front of the crowd.
The young woman being dragged towards the Justice was nothing like Evangeline had pictured her. Where she had expected to see a fierce, wrathful warlock, sending out sparks of pure magic with every step, was a scrawny, shaking, stumbling girl. Her legs and arms were covered in fresh scars; one foot was missing three toes. She flinched away from the guards who hauled her up each time she fell to the ground- were they the ones who'd tortured her? Evangeline wondered. Or was she too traumatised to know? Lady Areia's eyes were wide with fear and red from tears.
"BURN THE WITCH BURN THE WITCH BURN THE WITCH BURN THE WITCH!" bellowed the crowd.
The Justice cleared his throat, then held his hand up, asking for silence. From his high throne, he surveyed the ruin of Wizard Arietto, who just days before had graduated top of the year.
"You, the Lady Areia Isabetta Donatella Echivarria," he declared, "are found guilty of the murders by magic of Professor Merefin Amphibalus and Professor Ecgberht Beorhthelm of the University of Wizardry, and of Malicia guards Sergeant Barloc, Private Alban, Private Edor and Private Rumon; of grievous bodily harm inflicted, also by magic, upon Professor Inicium Juthwara, Wizd. Mildgyth, Wizd. Ceolfrith and Wizd. Frithuwold, and of grievous bodily harm inflicted by the foot to the belly upon Private Cedd; of the arson by magic of the Wizards' Temple, a historical, listed and sacred building; of the theft of a wizard's staff; of the fraudulent impersonation of your late brother, the Lord Arietto Paulo Dimitri Echivarria; of fraudulently acquiring a magical license; of practicing magic without a valid license; and..." the Justice paused, "of the heinous and most accursed crime of witchcraft."
The crowd, who had been listening quietly, burst back into their chanting. Rotten fruit- along with sharper and heavier objects- was hurled onto the stage. A tomato hit Areia on the cheek. The juices dribbled down her face, indistinguishable from her dried blood. When a brick hit Areia's shoulder the Justice held up his hands, demanding the rabble stop; it would not do for the condemned to be stoned to death before she could be executed.
"Let me finish!" he bawled. He looked back down at his paper. "On top of these most abominable and odious wrongs, you are convicted of the crimes of brewing beer whilst under a vow of abstinence, and of acquiring a beard through false means," he pronounced, somewhat anticlimactically. "Do you confess to these crimes?"
Up on the platform, the Lady Areia attempted to croak her response through a split lip, cracked teeth and a mangled tongue. The crowd strained to hear her: a street-vendor selling printed accounts of Areia's fall to immorality for half a baluchi stopped mid-transaction; the rabble screaming "BURN THE WITCH!" fell silent; the Malicia dragging the struggling students away were still, and the students ceased their cries of "LEARNING IS NOT A CRIME!" A Malicia standing by the pyre shifted restlessly, and gave his flaming torch an experimental swing towards the twigs. One spark flew off and settled on a branch. For a moment, it appeared that the pyre would catch alight and burn before they could place their witch upon it, but then the spark fizzled out.
Finally, Areia found her voice.
"I acknowledge these actions," murmured the Lady Areia Echivarria brokenly. She took a deep breath, and voice quavering continued. "However, I do not- I will not- confess to them, for to do so would be to say that I believe I have done some evil, when to the contrary I have fought for what is right and just." She raised her voice above the cheering of the students and the jeers of the crowds. "It would be to say that I am ashamed of the things I have done, when I shall be proud to die for my beliefs. And it would be to give in when I know that the struggle shall go on!"
The crowd were in a frenzy, spitting and shaking their fists at the woman on the stage, cursing her name and her unnatural ideas.
Only the Justice was unmoved.
"You have confessed to crimes," he said, staring at Areia with blank eyes, "so immoral, so repugnant, that by law you ought to be executed eighteen times: eleven times by hanging," Areia shuddered, "twice by forslug," she winced, "once by four-horses, once by death by crow-cage, once by beheading... and once by burning." Areia whimpered softly. She glanced at the pyre, blanched and looked as if she were about to vomit.
"Unfortunately," the Justice continued, "there is no known way to execute someone eighteeen times without using the darkest of magic."
"DO IT!" shrieked voices in the crowd.
"Eternal death to the demon!"
"Make the sorceress suffer!"
"Fight evil with evil!"
"PARDON ALL CHARGES!" the students bellowed desperately. Evangeline gasped as she saw a Malicia hit the ringleader of the students over the head with his truncheon, sending her to the floor with blood spouting from the wound.
The Justice allowed himself the briefest of emotions, a smile at those disrupting the peace being dealt with. "Which shall it be?" he asked the crowd. "How should the witch be punished?"
Areia's fate was predetermined. As if they were reading from a script, the crowd took their cue: "BURN THE WITCH! BURN THE WITCH! BURN THE WITCH!"
The Malicia with the torch by the pyre was clapping his hands, shouting along with the rest of them. In his carelessness, the torch brushed against the pyre. This time, he was not so lucky, and he watched in horror as the flames caught and the pyre began to blaze.
The Justice spotted the flames, and proceeded hastily: "Lady Areia Isabetta Donatella Echivarria, you are hereby declared a witch and sentenced to death for this and the other aforementioned crimes. Execution by burning shall be carried out forthwith." Then he banged his hammer once upon the arm of his throne, stood and, cloak whirling, departed from the courtyard through the Jail Gate.
"Murderer!"
"This is no justice!"
"How can you sleep at night?"
" You wizards' whore! You sorcerers' slu-" A truncheon to the face stopped the protester from finishing, and the last of her friends were finally overpowered. The Malicia led them kicking and screaming away, leaving their "EDUCATION IS OUR RIGHT!" signs upon the ground, to be trampled upon as the crowd flocked to the now blazing pyre.
Areia's last reserves of strength and bravery had fled from her with her hope. As they dragged her towards the flames, she flailed out at the guards, clawing and scratching them. She broke free for a moment and raced to leap from the platform, only to be passed back up to the Malicia by the crowd
"I've done no wrong!" she pleaded, staring deploringly into the faces of the Malicia surrounding her. "I'm only nineteen. I don't want to die!" Some laughed; the rest, grim-faced, ignored her. She turned her eyes to the crowd, searching for someone who would save her. Amidst the throng of bloodthirsty faces, Evangeline was looking on horrorstruck.
A certain calmness fell upon Areia's face at the sight of her, and some of the courage she'd had before the sentence was passed returned. She reached into her corset and extracted a shiny, ruffled black feather. The flickering flames of the Malicia's torches shone upon it. She clutched it to her chest, closed her eyes and breathed.
But the Malicia cared not whether the condemned made her peace or no. They dragged her forwards until she could feel the heat upon her face. Areia opened her eyes, and they were filled with a steely determination. She gave the feather one last lingering look, then released it to flutter down into the crowd.
Before the Malicia did it for her, she stepped into the flames.
First they licked at her skin. Then they took hold, and the stench of smouldering flesh filled the air.
Evangeline was unable to look away. She saw Areia grit her teeth and grimace, holding back screams, as her hair and clothes blackened and fell away. Sweat, soot and blood made rivulets down her scrunched-up face. Tears trickled from Evangeline's eyes, yet she watched unblinking as Areia's skin crisped, until the witch finally broke and emitted one long, piercing scream.
Areia's scream heightened and then suddenly faltered. She collapsed- unconcious or already dead? - into the centre of the bonfire, so that all the spectators could see were her remaining seven toes, curling and shrivelling.
All of a sudden, the sun seemed to set and the sky turned dark so that all that lit the scene were the flickering flames of the bonfire. Looking up, Evangeline saw thousands of dark shapes moving above them, blocking the sunlight with their wings. A few in the crowd began to scream.
Then the crows descended. As one, the murder fell upon the crowd, so great in number that the beating of their wings drowned out the cries of shock and terror. They screeched a terrible war cry- Caw caw! Caw caw! Caw caw! Caw caw!- as they stabbed the crowd with their beaks.
Panicked wails filled the air.
"Oh my, oh my!"
"My eye! My eye!"
"My BABY!" the woman who had given a copper to the beggar screeched as four crows tore her youngest child from her arms. Desperately, she grabbed at it. She caught a foot and held on tightly, a tug of war between her and the monsters. With her other arm, she bat at them, driving them away, and away they flew... each carrying a fifth of the baby with them. The mother was left with only one dripping, dismembered leg. She stared at it in shock. Beside her, her toddler scrunched up his face, opened his mouth wide and screamed. A bird took out his tongue.
All around were similar scenes of devastation. A young man lay on his back, begging the birds to grant him a quick death as they pecked and pulled at his entrails. A Malicia guard wandered through the crowd blindly, slashing at this beggar and that street-vendor with his sword. A crow had taken out his eyes.
Only Evangeline was untouched. Blood flowed from those stood around her, yet not one wing or one beak beat or bit her. The pyre was obscured from vision by the throng of black, blood and carnage; the stench of burning flesh was overpowered by the smell of blood.
Evangeline's feet felt wet. She looked down and realised she was stood in a puddle of it, a puddle of blood from all different people mingling together. Body parts floated in it... Was that a finger? And that a whole hand? Then Evangeline spied something else...
The feather. The feather Areia had thrown; a crow's feather, Evangeline now recognised it as. It was glistening wet with blood. It had landed at her feet.
Without really knowing why, she bent to pick it up. She wiped the blood from the feather onto her dress, then she placed it in her pocket and wiped off her fingers.
Swiftly as they'd came, the crows departed. Their caw caws! now fell upon the silence of the corpses and dismembered, half-dead bodies they had left. When the air had cleared, Evangeline headed towards the pyre.
It had burned out. All that was left of Areia Echivarria was a pile of ashes.
And a courtyard flowing with blood, and a sky filled with the screeching of crows.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,800 Reviews
Here I am, finally, to do your review! I am going to apologize yet again for the extended delay before I got to this critique.
First off, I want to say that I like how you have set the story in a time period that is quite unique. It has bits that seem almost medieval (witch trial with the pyre) and other parts that are more modern (students protesting with large signs).
I noticed with your dialogue you tend to come up with snazzy synonyms for said, such as shrieked, bellowed, bawled & murmured. These are fantastic when use in moderation. Oftentimes when you get too fancy with your dialogue tags it interrupts the flow. I would consider replacing some of these with plain, old said. A good article to check out on this topic is this one by thunder_dude7.
I adore the character of Areia. She doesn't fit the mold of what Evangeline expects a witch to be. She is proud of her convictions and is willing to die for them. At the same time, she is just a girl and fears death, especially one she feels she doesn't deserve. I hope you give us more of her backstory, because I am very interested in her. You've done a great job of developing Areia. Just make sure you're devoting the same kind of development to the characters who haven't been executed. I connected with Areia far more than I did with Evangeline.
Dictionary.com defines warlock as a man who practices the black arts; a male witch. If you're looking for synonyms for witch you could use sorceress, enchantress, conjurer or medium.
Besides being extremely long-winded this block of dialogue confuses me. Up to this point I had been led to believe that witchcraft of any kind was a severe crime. I thought that all witches/wizards are criminals and yet it seems that this is a world that accepts magic as the norm, so long as it fits within a certain set of rules. If this is the case then you need to be consistent in that. Instead of solely focusing on her being a witch, shift some of the focus on the fact that she is accused of murder.
This statement seems...counter intuitive. What does it matter how she dies? If you want the Justice to intervene, fine, but you don't have to explain his motives.
This part made me laugh. I just imagined Areia with a Santa Claus beard.
We are aware that she has been beaten and tortured, but don't become excessive with the descriptions. If you start to use a bunch of commas to describe something then you know that you're going too far. Pick one. I promise that it will give the story more impact. For example:
On the platform, Lady Areia tried to form a coherent response with her mangled tongue.
How is murder not evil? Unless she didn't murder anyone I wouldn't have her trying to justify her actions. Furthermore, what is this struggle that she speaks of? If Areia has a cause that she is trying to defend then let her get up on her soap box. Inform us of what is so important that this teenager is willing to die such a horrific death.
This line made me stop, because it seems to me that Areia is very close friends with Evangeline. And yet Evangeline has this preconceived notion of what Areia's appearance should be, as if she has never seen Areia before. If these two are friends then show us the emotional turmoil Evangeline must be experiencing. How does Evangeline feel when she sees her friend's wounds, when she hears the crowd's jeering, when the Justice sentences her to death? If Evangeline is the main character then you must help us to connect with her. Make us to feel her pain and joy, her failures and triumphs.
Whoa, talk about gruesome. I have three points to make with this. First, the use of the onomatopoeia bugged me. Perhaps you could revise it to say something like:
Their caws echoed in the silence.
Secondly, if there are half-dead dismembered bodies it is NOT silent. There will be moaning, groaning, crying, screaming, or even ragged breathing. Even when what we consider is silent, there is still some sort of white noise. Finally, Evageline just survived a very terrifying massacre and yet there is no reaction from her, whatsoever. No emotions, nothing. She is like a robot that you have programmed to go where you tell her to go and do what you tell her to do. But there is no way that your readers will want to keep reading if you don't stop having her be so mechanical. Put yourself in her shoes and tell me how you'd react in a situation like that. I'd probably be screaming my pretty little head off.
If you need help developing your character there are a number of excellent articles here on YWS about that topic. Some of my favorites are:
Writing Rounded Characters by Isha
5 Tips for Realistic Characters by Teague
Five Tips for Fantastic Characters by Snoink
Yes to a visually dramatic ending. No to starting a sentence with the word AND. I do it too, so don't feel bad. It is one of my terrible habits, but we must break ourselves of this.
That wraps up my review. I hope it was helpful and thank you so much for being so understanding of my tardiness! If you have any questions or need any more assistance do not hesitate to pm me. I promise to be much more quicker in my response.
Thank you for the review! I'm so glad you like Areia! I love her. Killing her was rather upsetting! And also that you found the beard line funny, because it was meant to be
Some very good points made. I think I agree with them all. Of course the dying people will make noise! *d'oh* And there are definitely some opportunities I've missed to develop Evangeline. Extending Areia's speech... a tempting idea. I'll have to be careful with that.
I'll check out those articles in the morning. Thanks again!
Hiya! Here to review as requested.
This was a definite improvement on the first chapter. Before I get into properly discussing this, I had some quibbles to point out:
This is a bit picky here, but I think you could improve the flow of the sentence by replacing the bolded 'was' with something along the lines of 'she instead saw'. That would just link back to the initial idea of 'seeing' one thing instead of what she was expecting that's at the beginning of the sentence.
There's no need for the semicolon there, you'd be better off with 'and' instead. Semicolons are used as sort-of a halfway point between a full stop and a comma.
I didn't understand this bit. You've just sprung 'Wizard Arietto' in there kind of suddenly, and I didn't understand his significance. You mention him again later briefly, but right here I was confused. Maybe some more detail?
I love hyphens, and you've used them really well here, but there's a titchy formatting issues. When you're using them between words, you need to have: word-space-hyphen-space-word. You've missed the space after the first word, so it doesn't look right. In situations like this, they also need to be double hyphens - so you type '--' and if you're using Microsoft Word it should auto-format it into a longer hyphen for you.
Tomato juice and blood look quite different, and dry blood looks even more different from the juice.
You should be using commas instead of semicolons here.
You need commas around 'voice quavering'.
The snippets of dialogue here should end it full stops, because they aren't being followed by speaker's tags. The bolded bit's the part that needs fixing.
The way you've written this, and I don't know if this was your intention, but it makes it seem like one of the students is yelling this, and yet they are Areia's allies. Why would he be shouting this if he supported her? I didn't notice this in the previous draft, but it confused me this time around.
I was glad to see you expanded the crows bit, but I'd still like more detail. It's supposed to be this horrifying scene, and it still feels like it goes by too fast. You were clearer about it, which was good, but I did feel like it lacked a sense of emotion and fear that would have made it really spectacular.
Something which just occurred to me is the chapter feels like it's from Evangeline's POV, however we really know nothing about her. I know I said that I hoped to see more character development in future chapters, but I feel like you could weave it in here a bit more. You're doing a great job of relating everything that's going down, but you could make Evangeline feel just that little bit more 'real' by giving her some more strong emotional reactions to what she is experiencing.
A lot of the positive stuff from the previous draft still applies here. I reckon the world you're building is really fascinating. I don't mind that you're a bit vague here, because I would much rather delve slowly into the world than be subjected to a whole lot of info-dumping (which is probably my ultimate pet-peeve when it comes to writing). You've got some strong themes that I can't wait for you to continue to explore, and the world does feel quite unique and potentially at a really interesting historical kind of stage. Just so long as you keep building on the world, I think you should be fine. Even if you just get the bones of the world in place in your early drafts, you can always add to it once you complete the story and go back and revise.
This version of the chapter felt more polished than the first, which shows you're doing a good job with the editing.
I'm definitely still looking forward to chapter two, so please let me know when it's out!
Thank you for all those comments! I hadn't even noticed how the students' comments might seem like they're aimed at Areia. I intended them to be read as shouting at the Justice, so I'd best get on to that!
Chapter 2... basically, this event was originally going to be about the middle of my story. I started writing chapters about 8-year-old Areia being inspired to become a wizard, along with her twin brother. But then I thought I'd get bored writing that bit, and if I'd get bored writing it everyone would get bored reading it, so I decided I was going to start with all the excitement in what was the middle and just have the odd flashback (through this other character, Florrie, finding Areia's diary- cliched, right?). And then I discovered more about what was going to happen before this point in the novel, and I realised how much I wanted to write it, and how cliched the diary would be, and I remembered how much I hate writing in first person, and thought of all the character development and backstory I'd miss, and I've decided to go from start to finish! So this chapter is now in the middle of the novel! Or possibly a prologue from the middle of events to the beginning of the novel (kind of like in *yuck i can't believe I'm mentioning this horrible series in a comment about my novel* Twilight, for example...)
So Chapter 2 is going to happen! It's kind of already written! It's just that it might be called Chapter 1, and you might have to forget that you already know some of what happens. Unless I decide it is a prologue... Sorry, I'll stop objecting you to my confused ramblings!
I love this chapter. The chapter starts off great throwing you straight into the action making you want to read on about who this "she-demon" and why she is recieving this anger and hate. I think the second paragraph could do with a little shortening as it contains information which does not carry great importance to the reader or the story but I understand after reading this paragraph the historic importance as a public hanging was a specticle for those in the area to watch. The paragraph for me could have been better just leaving it up to "... bellowed a woman" as it then leaves room in the story or even the paragraph to put some more information that could carry importance to the story. The story then starts to take place in about the 4th paragraph for me as you start to get an idea of what is happening or you get an idea of the different sides in the story such as you get the idea that the group of university students are the much smaller minority and that they are protesting against the crowd or whatever is happening the the "she-demon" or " sorceress".
The story so far is great for me. The story in the chapter has built up a small portion of the background information needed for the plot to take place in my head for me to give me an idea of what is happening in the chapter but also what the story may be about and what conflicts are happening. I cant wait for the next chapter! The story took a big twist and I think it was good because it gave me a big "OMG" moment where ideas I had in my mind about the story completly changed and you had me guessing for the rest of the chapter. I thought in the long run for the story that maybe the twist would've been better placed later on in the story and I could've seen the the chapter better off going in a different way but I think it still works and that it gives you a great platform in the next chapter for the story to progress on so I cant wait! Sorry i'm not a great help with the technical aspect to the story but I hope my comments help you for the story.
Thanks! I'm so glad you like it
What was the big "OMG" moment for you when all your ideas about the story changed?
The big "OMG" moment was when when all the crows came out of nowhere. It was a great twist.
Hai! Laure here as requested/ asked whatever. I'm going to outright honest here, I don't really see the difference between this edited version and the last version. It's been awhile since I've reviewed the last version so my memory is a bit blurry but I can't really detect any significant changes except maybe you've left out some parts. All the same, I will carry on with this review.
Something very odd strikes me here, this is a hanging and this woman has brought her two infants with her to a hanging, where the crowd would be noisy, fire, guards, and possibly rotten fruit? Isn't that just asking for trouble, I can understand if the woman wanted to see it but honestly, but why bring two infants? They are newborn and they would probably be wailing their heads off due to all this noise.
I mentioned the problem with the existence of the Science Academy and how it clashes with the historical setting in your previous edition as well. But I suppose I can accept it as part of your story because it does demonstrate a point of view in politics, though I don't see much connection between education rights and burning a witch. And once again, with the incredibly long names. I think I skipped right over them, also I would like to know why this 'Lady' would murder the professors. If she's in such a high-rise position then she must have had a good reason as to why she would kill these people? Though this was not present in the chapter.
Was the mangled tongue in this previous edition? I don't remember it, I'd like to point that if her tongue is mangled then she wouldn't be able to speak at all, let alone even croak.
I think you expanded this from the last version, I didn't remember this as much long-winded here. You've basically spend two paragraphs writing about the same thing, Evangeline in a puddle of blood and the dismembered body parts around here. I don't think you need to spend two paragraphs on this, since they both convey the same message.
' She looked down and realised she was stood in a puddle of it,' -> this sentence is awkwardly phrased. In fact, this sentence is not needed at all. If she's not standing in the puddle of blood then where is she? Floating in mid-air, you don't need to write the obvious herfe.
Wow, his entrails are out and he is still alive? If his entrails are being pecked on by birds, I'm pretty sure he's dead. I can't imagine anyone still having the energy being speak when their insides are basically outside of their body.
I'm sorry, what? His eye had just being taken out and he's not bending over in pain but still slashing his sword at people? I would have assumed that he wanted to get first aid ASAP not walking around with a sword hitting people.
'glistening wet' have the same meaning. Don't repeat yourself. Get rid of wet, and stick with glistening.
Well, that's all for the technical parts. I noticed that you've added some parts and got rid of others in this edition. In a way it is better than the last one because it flows smoother and is not as long-winded. You've replaced the random letters with actual names which is better because it seems much neater and more professional but a lot of the old problems can still be seen in this chapter. The logical details that remains to be explained, why Areia had murdered those professors? Saying that she killed them because she believed in something isn't good enough. Also, with the academy here I'm confused as well. Your main point here is to illustrate the burning of the witch and subsequently the release of the ravens and featuring Evangeline as the 'unharmed one'. I'd much rather you spend time on developing Areia's or Evangeline's Characters a bit more throughout this chapter than an academy of students screaming for 'education rights'.
Your language has gotten better in some places, but the same problem remains here. You tend to repeat yourself when writing sentences, sticking two words of the same meaning in the same sentence making it long-winded. Repeat information of the same event in slightly different ways (but with the same message) over and over again. I'm still very dubious of Areia's status as a Lady in this sense, I can understand people will get paranoid on burning a witch. But she is a Lady, she has a Lord and probably guards to protect her. I don't think that without a good reason as to why she would do this, this accusation isn't very plausible.
Then there is the development of Evangeline, she seems so sudden. One moment there is a beggar shouting for justice and the next, you have this girl leaping through crowds. Without any explanation as to who she is, or why she is here. Your start to the novel wasn't bad, it provided tension and suspense, but before that. I would have actually liked some insight on Evangeline's character and where exactly does she stand in this society?
I think I said this in the last review as well, look. I like the plotline and I think it has potential to go far, but it needs some work on the plausibility of the plotline and where exactly you want it to go. Because right now, everything seems rather vague even for a first chapter.
I hoped I wasn't too harsh, if you want to discuss please send me a PM.
-Laure
Wow. This was....intense, to say the least. I love the build-up and the descriptions and the pure terror portrayed in the carnage. Just wow. It was done perfectly.
I did notice some grammatical and spelling errors (Areia is spelled wrong the first time it's mentioned), but those are pretty minor for the most part. I think you could do with a little less semi-colons because they should be generally used sparingly (in my opinion), and get repetitive. Another thing is that you used the phrase 'took out' several times to describe people being mauled by the crows, and it was a little repetitive. Maybe use 'pecked out' or something of that ilk.
My biggest issue was that Evangeline didn't seem to be explained very well. All we know is that she appeared at this execution and didn't agree with it. I don't know what she's like at all, other than she's horrified by Areia getting killed. I think you could add a little exposition to this to tell a little bit more about Evangeline. What's her connection to Areia, what is she doing there, why she's opposed, ect. I feel as though I've been plopped into the middle of a book with no explanation. It's a little off putting. But it could just be me.
Other than that, this story is absolutely fantastic, and definitely look forward to seeing where it goes from here. Cheers!
Thanks for the feedback! I'm glad you liked it! If we meet and learn more about Evangeline in the very next chapter, do you think that would be alright? Or would you still need more information on her in this chapter?
Mary mentioned semi colons too, so I'll have a look at those. And I'll sort the took out out!
I'll tell you when the next chapter goes up. And I am still blushing about "it was done perfectly"
You're very welcome! Yes, I think that could work. I'm not asking for much, just a teeny bit of exposition, like a 'oh no my mom is gonna be furious when she finds out' kinda thing, just a little background.
I’ve read this. I definitely remember reading this before. I recall the beginning was a bit sudden, seems better now, though I would still advise not to start your very first chapter with a dialogue line.
Quite the bloodthirsty crowd.
“Evangeline leapt over the beggar” comes a bit out of nowhere. You should probably establish who she is before using her name in direct action since you are transitioning from another woman.
I am having difficulties reconciling a society that both has a university with large enough studentship and an almost barbaric crowd that burns witches left and right. Just feels as if two very distinct time periods are clashing together. Perhaps it’s just the use of “witch” to mark off a criminal. It kind of echoes back to the witch hunts since you don’t have the world set up yet in the very beginning. Though to be honest I don’t really know how else you can refer to her. Still torture and burning doesn’t meld too well with a highly educated magic society.
“All of a sudden, the crowd's chanting reached a tumultuous roar.” Just a suggestion, to skip the “all of the sudden” you can say something of the sort: “the crowd exploded with an uproar as they brought her out.” Also a bit of a repletion with the next sentence of “crowd.”
“Her legs and arms were covered in fresh scars; one foot was missing three toes.” “And one foot.” Else its two fragments awkwardly joined by a semicolon.
Wait… There is a magical school that teaches magic to wizards and mages and what not. How is witchcraft illegal? Practicing without a licence is one thing, but witchcraft? How is it different than any other magic use?
“The crowd, who had been listening quietly, burst back into their chanting.” Crowd is not a person, therefore not a who, and its singular not plural, so in this case the correct structure would be: ““The crowd, that had been listening quietly, burst back into chanting.” Or how I would shorten it to go around the personification issue: “The crowd that had quieted down as he spoke resumed its chanting.”
Quite a vivid chapter. Good job with tension. Maybe it drags a bit around the confession though.
And quite the gruesome end. So nice job overall, keep up the good work.
Thanks for all the feedback! You've pointed out some really useful things
I'll tell you a bit more about my world, and hopefully it'll help answer your questions. Baluchinople is an extremely corrupt city, ruled by the wizards of the Wizarding University who all come from the elite gentry families, and the Malicia who are in their pay. There are three universities: the University of Wizardry, which is a bit like the Catholic church around the time of the Inquisition, the University of Science and Innovation, where many of the scientists are explaining away magic as a force and not an unnatural power, and are finding ways to do magical things through non-magical means, and the Guild of Priests and Mystics, who are allowed to practice on the condition that none of their powers are genuine. Women are admitted to the USI, and to the Guild. They are not admitted to the University of Wizarding and any woman found to be practicing magic is a "witch". Licenses in magic can only be given out by the University of Wizardry, and so all traditional and cultural magical practices (stuff practiced by immigrants such as geniis, for example) are also banned. So witchcraft is just wizardry performed by a woman. The society's not really highly-educated. The wizards do their best to keep everyone else ignorant. I think this is most like the Renaissance timewise; some people are just starting to move away from the Dark Ages. And I'm bringing forward the movement for women's liberation a few centuries!
I see. You seem to have it all figured out. Just make sure to set it up through your story/ Also you had groups of students right? With people like them it would be kind of hard to keep most people ignorant.
OH MY GOD THIS WAS GREAT. Creepy, but great. I don't have any nitpicks, I'm not very good at looking for those things... Lol...
I love the descriptive words, although in some parts, it is sorta... Well...
""My BABY!" the woman who had given a copper to the beggar screeched as four crows tore her youngest child from her arms. Desperately, she grabbed at it. She caught a foot and held on tightly, a tug of war between her and the monsters. With her other arm, she bat at them, driving them away, and away they flew... each carrying a fifth of the baby with them. The mother was left with only one dripping, dismembered leg. She stared at it in shock. Beside her, her toddler scrunched up his face, opened his mouth wide and screamed. A bird took out his tongue."
...yeah... But it's not bad, don't think that! It's just one of those creepier spots. But I like creepy! (I am not a standard reviewer, I know. lol.)
Amazing beginning, amazing ending (I suck at those, unless I leave a cliffhanger) and that's it! I love your writing, I love this, I am going to follow this until the end! Definitely deserves five stars!!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
I'm glad you like the creepiness! Originally, I was going to be all artistic and just sort of leave it as "the murder fell", and then cut to everyone being dead. But then I got a bit carried away! thank you for being so positive about this, and I'll keep you posted when the next chapter goes up