I wake up to the blinding light coming in from the small window of the room. Where am I? Memories suddenly fill my mind. I realize that I must have fallen asleep while I was on my routine search for food. I’m in the restroom of an abandoned mini market. I get off the ground, my head rushing from the sudden movement. There is an acute pain in my left temple. I reach to touch my head and feel a sticky warm liquid that also stains my flannel shirt a dark red color. I look down at my boots to see that there are blood splatters covering the soles of them. What happened to me? My head was throbbing from the wound. I stumble when I look around the restroom.
I look in the stalls, gun in hand. They are empty. I sigh in relief and go to one of the sinks to turn it on. The tap sputters spewing out almost-clean water. I rinse off my hands and face. I clean the wound and find a shallow gash. I didn't recognize myself when I look in the mirror. My skin that had once been smooth and clear is full of scars, dirt, and dry blood. My eyes are sunken and hollow. My cheekbones are now prominent revealing my endless hunger for food that I've never seen in weeks. I’m lucky to come across this convenience store even though all that’s left is moldy bread and a puddle of what used to be ice cream.
I wonder where I should go next. I've been roaming around looking for places to sleep for the night. Ever since the third wave hit I suddenly stopped caring. Everyday just seems like another day closer to finally dying. My parents are dead and my brother is a soulless corpse. There’s just no one I love anymore; no one worth fighting for.
A crackling sound and the smell of smoke fill my senses. I hurry towards the door and rest my palm against it. The door is warm. The fire sounds as if it were alive and growing stronger; as if my fear is feeding it. I make a plan; if I just run through it the fire wouldn't be so bad, right? The window! I curse under my breath when I realize that I’m too big to climb through. Suddenly I hear footsteps over the fire. It is human footsteps: stable, one-by-one. I hear a fire extinguisher and soon it is only human voices. How the hell did they get a fire extinguisher?
“Tell me if you find anything.” A young male voice says.
“Okay,” it sounds like a little girl. What are these people doing here? I haven’t seen or heard other humans for two years.
I hear footsteps walking towards the door I’m behind. I quickly back away aiming my gun to the door. Sweat is beading down my face. My hands are trembling when I try to get a grip of the shotgun. The door swings open. The young man looks like he’s my age. His hands tightly gripping a rifle aiming for my head. I do the same with my shotgun. My breath suddenly turns heavy. His dark eyes carefully concentrate on my movements as if he’s ready to shoot me if I come any closer. Why doesn't he shoot me already? What’s he waiting for?
“A-Are you bitten?” He stutters. He sees the wound on my head. I hear a click. That’s it, I’m dead. He comes closer but he does not break his stare nor his grip of the rifle. My hands are stiff against my gun. I put pressure on the trigger but he puts his gun down. Okay who is he and why does he think I’m not capable of shooting him in the head right now? But I slowly lower my weapon too. He stares at the wound for a moment and turns around to pick up his rifle. “It’s not a bite.”
“How do you know?” I ask
“Because I’ve seen plenty of bites from a crusty and that’s not one,” His voice is sharp.
“Crusty?”
“Crusties are zombies. What are you doing here?” he reloads his rifle.
“I came for food and I guess I fell asleep here.”
He scoffed, “Ha, not a really good place to get your beauty rest isn’t it?”
I ignored his comment, “Well what are you doing here?”
“Same as you but we had no luck.”
“We?” I know he’s talking about the little girl I just want to know who she is.
“My sister and I, we-”
“Aidan! Help!” his sister screams. I hear shuffling, muffled groans and the cry of a little girl.
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140,110 Literary Works • 673,017 Reviews
1. Make sure to be consistent when using tenses. The first paragraph starts out as present tense, and most of it is except for one sentence. The second to last sentence should be, 'My head is throbbing from the wound.' Also the next sentence would be slightly rewritten as 'I stumble as I wander around the restroom.'
2. The next paragraph could start out as, 'I look through the stalls, gun in hand. They're empty. I sigh with relief and walk to one of the sinks to turn it on. The tap sputters spew out nearly clean water.' The next sentence is fine. 'As I clean the wound, I find a shallow gash.' Then a little while later, 'My cheekbones are now prominent, revealing my endless hunger for food that I haven't seen in weeks. I'm lucky that I was able to come across this convenience store even though all that's left is moldy bread and a puddle of what used to be ice cream.'
3. The next paragraph start out good, then, 'I've been roaming around, looking for places to sleep for the night.' the next is fine, 'Every day just seemed like another day closer to death. Both my parents and my brother is dead.' The last sentence is also good.
4. The next paragraph, 'A distant crackle echoes and the smell of smoke surrounds my senses.' Then a few sentences later, ' I make a plan. If I run through it, the fire wouldn't be so bad, right?' Then, 'Suddenly, I hear footsteps over the fire. They're human footsteps: stable, one-by-one. I hear a fire extinguisher go off, then it's silence, except for the new voices.
That's just a few tips before your dialogue. It starts out as a nice intro. The main thing is make sure that your tenses align correctly, when to use comas, and usage of words to make the sentence flow better. It's a very compelling story starter and I enjoyed it. Keep it up and your story will be just fine. You don't have to do it exactly like I've shown though.
Hey there, UnicornBookWorm!
(Good name, dude)
Are you really just thirteen, mate? Because you my friend, should be working somewhere out there in the media, coming up with taglines.
This is how you get my attention. I am all ears to what you are about to tell me.
I guess I should start off by welcoming you to YWS. This is a fantastic place for improving yourself and your writing. Before I really get going with this, the OCD part of me needs you to know that there is a space missing in your title.
Okay, for a really short introduction to a really tired and overused genre, this was a pretty good read. You write quite well. Your scenes are interesting, I already like your main characters thoughts and how she approaches things, and your vocabulary so far has a few very decent words in it.
The scene moves along at a quick pace and it doesn't get boring or lose my interest. Before I knew it, the chapter was done. That's pretty nice. I really like your dialogue, it's quick and effective and I can actually gather a little bit about both the characters from just the small bit you have here. The character thoughts you write are also decent.
You do some good descriptions in the piece. There are places where I would definately want a bit more to be able to fully visualize where we are, but what you have so far is an okay minimum. Now, I really like how you somewhat described your characters looks without actually letting us know. We have no idea what she really looks like so far, but we do know what the horror has done to her and her appearance. Smooth skin replaced with scars and dirt, while sunken, hollow and obvious tired eyes remain. I really like that.
Alright, I'll write as I go along:
Edit
Put this in italics.
Edit
You broke the tense. It happens a few times here and there.
I pictured a handgun here. Later, you specify that she's carrying a shotgun. I'd specify that earlier.
Edit
Added a comma.
Edit
Another tense issue.
Edit
Small edit. However, she hasn't seen food for weeks? She'd pretty much be a zombie too at this point.
Suggestion
Could use an added word. Looks better.
This entire paragraph is fantastic. For such a short few sentences, it really gives a lot of insight into the world of this character. We realize she is all alone, there is no family for her anywhere and perhaps most importantly; we learn her stance on it all. She doesn't care anymore. She has lost hope. This is good character building.
Not to mention, I'm interested in learning more about these waves. Get some background on the chaos that went on.
I like how she differentiated between the sound of the footsteps. Knowing that it was human footsteps, rather than zombies.
I'm curious as to what these people where doing in the room outside the restroom though. They use a fire extinguisher to extinguish the fire? Why? I would assume that they were the ones who started it. Did a fire just happen to catch on, and they simly arrived there and put it out?
Edit
Added a bit more here, and changed that comma to a period seeing as the dialogue doesn't continue.
Edit
Added a comma. Alternatively: I quickly back away, as I'm aiming my gun to the door.
Edit
Edit
Added another comma. You could use more of them here and there. I do like her attitude though. She's got spunk!
Edit
Forgot a period at the end.
Edit
Again, changed a comma to a period as he doesn't continue the line.
Alright, that's pretty much all I could comment on.
Though this work had quite a few small errors, that's all they are. Small errors. Those will eventually wither away, and now that you've found this awesome place, they will disappear even faster!
What I did find in this piece, which is a lot more important, is a lot of imagination and knack for storytelling. I liked much of what I saw and I would definately want to see more of your writing. If it was a continuing this story, then that would be even better.
Really hoping for more, mate.
Keep it up, Unicorn!
Cheers
Birkhoff
Your story is coming along quite well. You write great descriptions.
However, I would advise you not to start off a story with a character waking up. This concept has long been overused and labeled cliche. I would also suggest you not use the word, "suddenly" because the only thing it really does is disrupt the flow.
You also mentioned the narrator hadn't seen another human in two years. At the part where he/she hears footsteps, I would imagine they'd be more surprised.
And finally, you should eliminate excessive words like "that" and use contractions. People usually aren't formal when they speak and think.
The beginning is a bit too sudden. Take your time to establish the scene, set the mood, and make sure everything is clear and visual.
Stick to one type of tense throughout the narration.
Careful with repetitions.
Suddenly… fire. I attribute it to the hasty pace. Really try to set up things first.
No humans for two years? Man that’s a long time.
I see a lot of potential, but you really need to slow down and develop things. Everything is happening too fast and you haven’t really established a mood. It doesn’t flow too well either but that’s because of the fast pace. So that’s pretty much it. It seems like a good, tense story but you need to take your time to develop it. And I don’t mean through exposition and back story. Just focus on what the character is doing presently. See him do it and show the reader.
Hello.
Kanome here with a review for you.
I love how this story is progressing so far.
It's about zombie apocalypse, which I love to read. I've seen and read so many, but yours is amazingly detailed and has lots of imagery.
Nitpick:
- Okay, I believe you should insert the word 'that' in this sentence. It feels like that it is a sentence fragment. I could be wrong, but this is a suggestion from me to you.
Other than that, I love this chapter so far.
I would love to read more if you planned on continuing this.
I believe you should add a twist to this, to make your zombie apocalypse story more unique (again... another suggestion c:)
Keep up the great work.
I can't wait to read more.