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The Key (Summary to my new book that I'm starting on)

“You can never get rid of me,” He
whispered into my ear, sending electric chills that slowly traveled down my
spine. I felt his icy breath hit my hair as he stood up straight revealing the
major height differences between us. I felt his eyes on me almost burning holes
at the top of my head as I looked down at my feet. I took in slow, deep breaths
making sure I didn’t look up at him. I heard his deep breathing as his breath hit a
small piece of hair each time. I slowly
raised my eyes to take a little peak to look at the way he stood, but I didn’t
dare look up at his face. His body was tense with both hands on either side of
him with his knuckles clenched really hard that they turned white. His breath
were heavy by the way his stomach rose and fell revealing how his hard abs contracted
against the cloth material almost like he just finished running 6 miles.

I heard a low, dark, husky
chuckle escape his lips. I could already see the smirk that was present on his
face without even looking up. “Please, do tell Gemini. Do you like what your
eyes have showed you.” I felt my breath get caught in my throat as he laughed
seeing the affect he had on me. I slowly lowered my gaze away from his body
while my body tensed up. I could feel the change of atmosphere from teasing to
anger before he even spoke. “Look at me,” he growled. I ignored him by not
saying anything or doing anything. “Look. At. Me. Gemini,” he growled again
while raising my head so I would look at him. I looked at his face seeing how
beautiful he was yet again. His black short curls weren’t as long when I last saw
him, but short and a little messy. His face was set in a frown as always.

How could someone look like an angel, but be the spawn of the devil. I finally locked my eyes onto his dark, forest, green ones that seemed
to have lit a fire within them. On any other given day, I would have love to
stare into eyes like his, but only if it wasn’t his eyes. I then soon realized that I blanked out not
aware of what was happening. I saw that he was smirking yet again with a glint
of amusement in his eyes. I blushed realizing that while I blanked out I somehow
was closer to him my face only inches away from his. He chuckled again at my
reaction revealing the little kindness or human part he had in him for a
second. I cursed myself internally for blushing from something like this
especially since he was the enemy. “Only if you were on my side,” he said nonchalantly
while he held my face with one hand. “We would be really good friends,” he said
showing a little bit of sadness in his eyes. “What happen to you,” I choked out
even though I was scared since we were only inches apart.

His eyes went from sadness to confusion then to rage. He
pulled me away from his face. “Nothing happened to me,” he said looking at me
crazily. “I became smart and went with the side that would win,” he said while
grabbing onto the collar of my shirt. “Daryl ..all of them ...they trusted you …I
trusted you,” I said even though I now realized how stupid I was for saying the
last statement. “You trusted me,” he question which was soon followed by a laugh.
He then looked at me rage clearly evident on his face as he tightened his hands
on my shirt. “You didn’t even know me,” he said with disgust as he looked at me
filled with hate, but I could see someone deep down there that I could save.

I looked away as I saw the murderous glare that soon arose
onto his face, but stared back at him again only to see his eyes turn from rage
to sadness. When he saw that I didn’t say anything, he dropped me and turned
away from me only to clutch his head in his hands. “No one knew me,” he
whispered not looking at me. “Daryl and the rest of the ajuttas weren’t
actually my friends, they used me.” “I was just a tool to get to you.” “I lost
my family and friends just because of one person.” He said shaking. “Who,” I
asked him soon regretting that I asked that after his outburst. “You,” he
screamed looking at me. “You ruined my life and destroyed me even though I
didn’t know you,” he said under his breath and glaring at me. “I didn’t even
know you, but you shattered everything inside me and left a whole in my heart,”
he said laughing crazily. “Tell me Gemini,” he said looking at me with mixed emotions.

“How can you hate
someone that you are supposed to protect ,know you are supposed to love ,but
you can’t because they caused you so much pain to you for three years,” He said his
hair covering his face as he looked down only revealing his mouth. “Explain to
me how someone could love someone for three years and not know them, but knew
that the connection that he was born with her told him to find her because that
was his soul mate,” he said looking at me with no emotion. “But was crushed
when the person didn’t appear.” “He wasted three years looking for someone that
wasn’t even real to him instead of being there for his family.” “I waited for
you for three years, Gemini,” he said “I felt every sadness, anger, and
happiness you ever felt.” “How do you think I feel when I see your dreams and
past,” “How do you think I feel when the only person I have ever loved...is...afraid ......of..... me. ”

He said coming closer to me with sadness in his eyes. He
grabbed me with a little harshness and pulled me closer to his face like a few
minutes ago. “You can change,” I whispered to him trying to convince him to
change back. “No, I can’t,” he said pulling me away from his face even though I
was wishing he didn’t. “I was lost a long time ago. I was lost when my family
was taken. I was lost when my friends abandoned me, and most of all I was lost
when my love for you was taken,” he said walking away into the darkness that
soon engulfed him showing that he was now gone from my dream.

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
MaryEvans
Review

Oh god…that formatting… I know the editor can be a pain, but do something about it, its honestly hard to read.

So with that out of the way… Your opening is really nice and tense. Straighten up the tenses though. Pick past or present and stick with it.

“His breath were heavy by the way his stomach rose and fell revealing how his hard abs contracted against the cloth material almost like he just finished running 6 miles.” Awkward structure and association and all. I am sure you can say it better. Just “he was breathing heavily” would have worked.

“I heard a low, dark, husky chuckle escape his lips.” Just a low chuckle escaped his lips.” Throw in husky if you so much like it, but keep the adjectives to the minimum (no need for dark is what I am saying).

“I felt my breath get caught” felt my breath catch.
It’s the same issue throughout. So just read out-loud and see what drags or is unnecessary.

Same here: “I slowly lowered my gaze away from his body while my body tensed up“ First you have a repetition, body, and second you don’t really need “away from his body,” just go with something like: I lower my eyes, my body tensing under his stare.

The dialogue drags a bit. You set up the tension nice and well in the beginning and then the dialogue breaks it up towards the end. Especially when you use it to give exposition. Don’t do that. Focus on the now and then and mention the past in as few words as possible.

And that’s all I have, I guess. Keep on writing.

User avatar
rocketdog11
Review

So, hello. This is Rocketdog here for a review. First off, I think you have a really good start to your work here. Also, I think the names are very interesting and unique, which is good. But you do have some syntax errors, a few of which I will point out to you here. I hope they will give you a good start. Without further running on, here they are.

"I felt his eyes on me almost burning holes at the top of my head as I looked down at my feet."

This sentence, while it does make sense, needs a little help. It might be better to say "I felt his eyes on me, almost burning holes into the top of my head as I looked down at my feet." Or something like that.

"I heard his deep breathing as his breath hit a small piece of hair each time."

Again, all this sentence needs is a little bit of tweaking. It might just be better to say "I heard his deep breathing as it hit my hair each time." or something. I just wanted to keep as much of your original words as possible.

"...to take a little peak to look at the way he stood..."

Now "peak" was probably a typo, so that makes sense. But it's redundant to say "to take a peek" and "to look". All you would need is one or the other, but not necessarily both.

"...his knuckles clenched really hard that they turned white."

Here, I think all you would need is to replace "really" with "so".

"Do you like what your eyes have showed you."

This is just a matter of punctuation. All you need is a question mark.

"I then soon realized that I blanked out not aware of what was happening."

Again, this is a little wordy. You would only need "then" or "soon" but not both to make the sentence fit together.

So, as you can see, I may have been a little nit-picky. However, your premise is really good, as I said before. All you need is a couple fixes here and there, and you're golden.

User avatar
Annaclare
Review

The formatting is only like this, because well I don't know how to fix it lol, but don't worry I'm working on it. Oh the main guy in this summary is not named Daryl.

Daryl of course is in the story, and plays a huge part in the plot , but he is not the one who is speaking in this section.

%u201CDaryl ..all of them ...they trusted you %u2026I

trusted you,%u201D I said

Gemini was just listing the people who trusted him and Daryl was one of those people. The main guys name is not revealed yet because I wanted to wait to reveal it. I can see the confusion were you would think that is his name and I apologize for that.

You are right when you say they are a lot of grammar error. I will definitely try to fix them and hopefully no more will appear.

Thank you for commenting on my work it really means a lot to me as a writer!



And you have to flaunt the weird, my friends.
— Alex Fierro