A/N: Okay, so I'm posting this because every time I sit down and try to write chapter 7 for my other story, I want to bash my head against my desk because writer's block SUCKS. So, I figured that because I've had this story ready for a while, I'd post it so that you guys don't completely hate my guts. Tell me what you think?
There he was. The boy. He was just staring at her, not offering condolences, not pretending to care; he was just there. So, maybe he did care, right? If he was there, it must have been for her, right? Sometime during her musings, he had walked up to her. He was directly in front of her, his dark charcoal eyes staring right into her dark chocolate brown ones, and yet not a word passed from between his lips. He was wearing an expressionless mask; What are you hiding? She thought to herself.
“So,” she blurted, “what are you doing here? You’re obviously not here because you care what happened to them. So why? Why are you suddenly popping up in my life?” Wow, she hadn’t meant for that to come out. Oops. But was he… smiling? He was laughing at her.
His chuckle subsided. “Why, I came here for you, of course. But you probably already guessed that.” Her heart dropped with the reality of what he had just said.
“Wait, are we leaving or something?” she said, noticing the black canvas bag by his feet. “Because I am not leaving my parents’ funeral early for you.” Again, that low chuckle… why did he have to mess with her like that?
“Yes, you will. Because I promised them, in the event that something like this happened, that I would take you away from here as soon as possible and protect you. You have no idea how important you are.”
Oookaaayyy. Wasn’t expecting that.
He swore under his breath. He must have noticed the look of confusion flit across her features, because he then said, “They didn’t tell you anything, did they?” She shook her head no; he swore again. But this time, listening closely, it didn’t sound like normal cuss words; she heard him curse… What? Had she heard him right? Yes, she had, but why had he said “Bloody hell! I swear on the House I will kill Anubis!” Anubis? Wasn’t he Egyptian or something? Her train of thought was cut off abruptly as he grabbed her wrist and began to drag her toward the doors, causing her to repeatedly trip over her black heels.
“Hey… hey! What are you doing?! Where are we going? Answer me, dang it! I don’t even know who you are! You could be some random person who pretended to know my parents, just so you could kidnap me! How do I know you actually knew them? Will you stop ignoring me? I swear I’m going to--” She was cut off abruptly as he slapped his hand over her mouth.
“Will you please just shut up?”
“Nope.” Her voice came out muffled, due to the fact that his hand was still on her mouth.
“Jeez, you are annoying.”
“So I’ve heard.” He rolled his eyes and removed his hand, then resumed dragging her through the double doors and across the parking lot. When he finally dropped her wrist to pull out his car keys, her mouth dropped, practically to the ground. “This is your car?” She said incredulously. He just laughed once more and nodded his head. “But… but it’s…” She couldn’t gain her wits about her; the car was not only gorgeous, but her dream car. It was a sleek black 1960 Cadillac Series 62, convertible, with white rims and a red interior. He started laughing, again--Jeez, he laughs at me a lot--and said, “What, you like it?” She could only nod her head. “Well, it’s yours.” She hadn’t thought it was possible for her jaw to drop any lower, but she thought wrong.
“WHAT?” It was a dream come true. She had been asking her parents for this car for ever! At the thought of her parents, her smile dropped.
He turned around, and his joking manner transformed back into his expressionless mask; “Are you alright?” She nodded her head. “It doesn’t look like it.” And with that, violent sobs wracked her body. Figures, as soon as she had thought she could pull herself together, that she wouldn’t cry at the funeral after all, she went and broke down in front of a guy she hardly even knew.
When she finally stopped sobbing, she found her voice and croaked out, “Sorry. It’s just, I miss them so much.” He whispered, “It’s alright. Why don’t we go back to your place, grab a few things, and get going?” She nodded. Seeing that she was in no condition to walk on her own, he picked her up--albeit reluctantly-- bridal style, and placed her in the passenger seat, giving her a blanket to cuddle up under. Soon after, she blacked out, lulled to sleep by the sound of the engine.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
127,319 Literary Works • 671,484 Reviews
Hey there, I really loved your story. I like this mysterious guy thing going on and I feel sorry for the girl whose parents died. I am not much for grammatical errors but I can tell you what I loved or liked! I loved the descriptions of the scenes, it really made me picture it in my head, especially the last few sentences.
"Seeing that she was in no condition to walk on her own, he picked her up--albeit reluctantly-- bridal style, and placed her in the passenger seat, giving her a blanket to cuddle up under. Soon after, she blacked out, lulled to sleep by the sound of the engine."
I loved that scene, I imagined the whole thing, and I also get lulled to sleep by the sound of the engine running too, which was a bonus! You have great talent, and I would love to see where this story goes. Keep writing, I will definitely keep reading! Thanks for the awesome read, I'm not much for romance stories but yours is pretty good.
Heyo! Subtle here for as review! Ugh, Writer's Block, I know exactly, how you feel so is good that you have something that you feel comfortable to go on with. I'm going point out all the technical details first, and then give a summary.
That is your opening paragraph, I liked the first two sentences because it hooks the readers in instantly. But the rest of the paragraph isn't exactly sequentially logical. Alright, so he is just there but instead of saying that he's not offering condolences and not caring. Can you actually show us, like describe his facial features? Also, you contradict yourself at the next sentence. If this is a funeral, he doesn't have to be there just because he cares. He could just be there because someone dragged him alone, or he's there for the food (I've known people who've done both things.) I know she's musing, but wouldn't him approaching her at least snapped her out of that or surprised her? But instead, you jumped straight from her musing and then, BAM! There he is. Don't you think that is a bit too abrupt?
Hmm..erm. This is a bit odd. She doesn't know him, wouldn't she at least greet him before questioning him what his motives are? I mean she doesn't even know if he doesn't care? Isn't it consider impolite to randomly question a stranger. And also, he's not really 'popping' into her life. This is a funeral, there is bound to be many other strangers. Though I will admit, I found Jackson incredibly amusing throughout the whole chapter. Probably because he resembles a character of mine.
We're five paragraphs in and things are moving far too quickly, without any logical or sequential explanation as to what happened. So we have our MC, whom is at a funeral and then she spots a stranger, the stranger comes up to her. She blurts out something, and then he replies with 'I'm taking you away.' And for some reason! She knows this? You're writing this as if she knows him already, but they are complete strangers. If a stranger came up and said that to her, shouldn't she feel alarmed instead of her heart dropping. All the signs of falling in love. Please don't make this another Romeo and Juliet, is barely six paragraphs and she's already head over heels?
I'm sorry that I'm quoting literally every paragraph from your chapter, but is necessary.
Few points here:
1) Separate lines for dialogue if they're from a separate character. So, new line for Jackson. New line for the Nezz.
2) 'She shook her head no' -> the words 'shook' here and 'no' convey the same meaning. So you don't need both of them. Just write 'She shook her head', because is shorten and not as long-winded.
3) Anubis, ooooohhh, interesting. Is it a mythology novel then, fascinating.
I know I should be beating you over the head for this girl's innocent reaction, except I'm having too much fun grinning at how wonderful Jackson is. I can't help but liking his laidback attitude. Though aside from that, I must once again indicate. That she has literally been 'kidnapped' because she doesn't know who he is, and where he is taking her. But she's not acting very stress at all! I mean look at her light-hearted 'nope'. Shouldn't she at least scream..make a run for it? Something?
Question is the Cadillac really necessary here? I mean sure, it was humorous. But I mean she just came from her parent's funeral. HER PARENTS. After being dragged off with a strange person..and she still has the heart to admire her car. Actually, I missed a point earlier. This is her parents. Her birth parents? I would expect her to be in utter sorrow if not distress. Where are her relatives? Her care-takers? Would she be left alone, I would have expect an aunt or two would be soothing her let alone letting some random boy whisk her off.[/b]
I wonder if she's an expert actress? How did she manage to transfer from wonder to acute, violent sobbing so quickly? I mean her signs of distress weren't foreshadowed earlier in the novel, so you basically have her breaking down with the snap of a finger. I would have actually like some foreshadow as she walked with Jackson, you mentioned it afterwards but before that it was too abrupt. Also, Jackson's manner was pretty swift too and I want to know the reason why. I know you're hiding it from us with good reason, but a hint would aid us to get a better impression on him.
Annnnd that abrupt emotional change again. One minute he's expressionless and the next, he's suddenly all nice again!? I can't really accept these emotional changes because they are far too swift and we have no idea why they are so swift. Also, she isn't alarmed at all at how he knows her place?
Which brings me back to another question:If he wanted her to trust him by saying that her parents had entrusted her to his care. Then wouldn't it be more plausible for this story and her reaction if he handed over some evidence or proof that her parents did trust him. That way, you can get away with her acting so light-hearted and it would also make sense for her parent to give him something to giver her. Maybe an explanation letter or something?
Well, that was an interesting ending and chapter. So, I'm not going to lie here. Despite the many logical flaws and emotional flaws in this chapter. I was hooking onto reading this, probably because this story is eerily similar to a story of mine I wrote a few years ago. O_O You have a very active and engaging voice here, though both of your characters can use some work on the emotional side and you can develop them out a bit more. I find that Nezz's reaction to him is very illogical considering the circumstances, I would have also liked some more description about the funeral just so we get more of a background of Nezz. Because this whole chapter is relatively short and basically all dialogue and action, I can't say anything about your descriptions yet.
While we're on dialogue, I really like how you write your dialogue. Is engaging, funny and I think you can go really far if you do it well. However, just remember to put your character's dialogue on a new line. So, let's pretend we have John and Mary here.
"Hi, Mary." Said John.
"Hello, John." Said Mary, "how are you?"
When a new character talks, new line.
While we're on the topic of characters:
You already know this from my previous comments that I find Jackson very amusing, however. I must say it, both of your characters have very stereotypical personality. Look at Nezz, she's not questioning Jackson for some strange reason and is already falling for his good looks. And then you have our apathetic, handsome but also (caring at times!) male villain / probably hero. Is only the first chapter, so I won't make my final judgments as of yet. But just letting you know.
This turned out to be a lot longer than I expected, I hope you aren't bored. And in case you're wondering how I know the character's names. I read the second chapter, in which I should review after this comment. Overall, I really like the premises your novel is based on. Especially with the aspect of mythology in it. I think you can go far, but you really need to develop your character's emotions a bit more fully and stop jumping from thing to thing.
I noticed how you wrote this in the third person, it would actually be better if it were written in the first person from Nezz's POV. That way, the readers can get in touch with her feelings and thoughts much much closer.
All the best, if you have any questions please feel free to PM me. Keep me notify for future chapters.
-S.s
Thanks so much for your long review--it helped a lot!
No problem. I'm glad it helped.
I liked how you lured the reader in at the beginning. It was very effective, something that all writers strive for.
Now, something I noticed is that she seems to just accept him as if she knew him. Try to build up more, being to sudden isn't a good thing in this.
Brining in Anubis? That's genius. Any story with all those different gods gives room for almost unlimited possibility, you made a good story choice.
I personally find it hilarious about the car, being her dream car and then finding out its hers, that's pretty funny.
So, it seems that everything is amazing besides the beginning, which could use a little work.
The beginning is a bit… awkward. Too much hammering on the “care/not care motif,” which carries on to the dialogue. You should probably tone it down, be more subtle, show it don’t tell it.
I think first person POV would be better for this story. Fitting with the voice and her “thoughts” and all. Also better since you are trying to go for the more emotional note from what I see so far.
Look over the dialogue, see if it sounds natural, read out-loud.
He’s a bit too forceful for someone who claims he’d “protect” her. That way he will just alienate her or make her run.
If she doesn’t know who he is, why doesn’t she ask in the very beginning? And why is the dialogue build us as if they knew each other. He wouldn’t have such an emotional influence upon her too if she didn’t know him, she’d just think him creepy or would walk away if he starts smirking and saying weird stuff.
Is the mark of the car really necessary? With a picture no less. Careful with trademarks too, can create issues if you try to do something more with the story. Also it's good to be detailed and descriptive but make sure to leave something to people’s imagination, that way the story and the narrative is more engaging.
So overall, as I said a different POV would be more effective. Look over the dialogue. And set up the characters better. Else all is fine and the ideas underneath seem interesting enough.