Chapter 1: Humble Beginnings
It's been thirty-nine hours, fifteen minutes, and forty-six seconds since I last heard my dad give his charmingly repetitive 'how was your day at school?' I blamed it on hormones. I shouldn't have but I did as I had snapped a muttered 'fine' back.
Like usual, he had ignored the fact that his daughter was a prick as I recalled mimicking in my head at the same time he stated the obvious follow up 'what did you do, today?'
I never did look at him. I was just staring at the scenery filled with homes of people that could be the ones that annoyed me in class or talked about me behind my back or people I ran into in the halls that I had really wished wouldn't. He broke a record thirty-nine hours, thirteen minutes, and seventeen seconds ago, my dad. He broke the record for him figuring out that I had no intention of talking about that day.
It was quiet, but I had been focused on my moment of peace. On cue, my dad began to ramble on about some facts that I already knew and repeated each phrase of knowledge at least thrice within his ramble. I hated when he paused in between those phrases with short words like 'right?' or 'y'know?' or simply pausing to make sure I was listening. I hated when he repeated himself. I hated socializing with him. I hated when he doused his words with blue collar intelligence. I hated when he interrupted my scorning of the world outside the passenger's window.
As usual, I responded with my 'yeah' and 'yup' and other short replies with subtle hinting tones that slowly developed into a full-fledged sign of exasperation. Unlike usual, thirty-eight hours, fifty-six minutes, and twenty-seven seconds ago, my dad proved the behaviorist personality theory wrong with an 'am I annoying you?'.
Why yes, yes he was. Quite annoyed, really I was. So very annoyed, truly. The way he talked. What he talked about. The way he paused to make sure he had my attention. The way he was so repetitious. The way he was just then and every time then. Just him. Though, how could I say that? I had been put into a shock. I was always in control and that simple four-worded-statement destroyed my hierarchy. Yes, very annoyed, daddy dear, but very off-guard.
Like usual, I had tried to work my way out of it only it wasn't very usual as I used one word answers that had never been muttered, nor so meek either, by me. To him. In this situation. 'No, of course not'. Yes you do. 'I'm just tired'. Of you.
'Then why do you answer me like I'm some kind of nuisance?'. What parallel universe was I spurred into so suddenly? I was unaffiliated with this dad of mine and still my mind was too occupied with lapsing on hating the world to use it to solve this human jigsaw puzzle. If anything, I knew better than that. I knew so much better than that. I guess I just didn't know then or something. I said something then. It wasn't so nice. Dad didn't think so either.
We were arguing. It was calm and sophisticated. Dancing with our words to find the proper upper hand. We were confronting. Letting it out. Or he was. I had been occupied with figuring out this distressing phenomenon. Then we were yelling and then I remember tuning him out again, but this time, he didn't just ramble. He lectured. No, he didn't lecture. He argued without me. Producing a convolution of words that probed at emotions neglected to be channeled. We were arguing.
"Marlene."
I looked up to find some guy standing in front of me. I never met him before, but he looked slightly older than twenty. He was staring down at me as I sat by my lonesome, hovering for warmth in my winter jacket and five layers underneath as the January air tried to drench me in its ambiguous power.
"Hi, my name is Richard," he said. "I think I'm your cousin."
I think I said 'hi' back. I know I didn't invite him to sit, but he did and I didn't really care much.
We sat, and we sat, and people passed by with their pompous lament, but we sat on that bench. It was awkward, but it was okay because I guess this was one way to interact. I found it more peaceful than watching the maudlin people inside. Though, talking to Richard still made me feel ostentatious. There was a watch adorning his wrist that allured me with its ticking.
Fifty-seven…fifty-eight…fifty-nine…
"So, how've you been?" I didn't answer because I didn't know what he was referring to. "Y'know, in general, I guess."
I shrugged. "I have a cat."
I heard the smile in his cinnamon-tea warm voice. "That's cool…not what I intended…but cool. I have a dog." He laughed and I found myself tangled between a mess of inscrutable thoughts of distaste and comfort in the sound. "Anymore pets?"
"He's not a pet, he's Magnanimous."
"Sorry, I'm not personally affiliated with…him."
"That's his name…and kind of his personality. To me, at least."
"Cool, cool.” But I was positive he didn’t think so at all. “Uh…how old are you?"
"Sixteen." If he wasn't my cousin, I'd find that he was curious creepy.
"Oh, joy. Some good times I had that year. Try not to get carried away, alright?"
That time I had to laugh. Not because he amused me or he was humorous, but because it was either that or to gag on trying to compute the multiple levels of lame having just radiated from his mouth just then.
"So, have you gone inside yet? Y'know, to see…it--him."
He wasn't looking at me, but I shook my head. "I'm not so keen on seeing him decay before my eyes."
"It's a closed casket, y'know, and even if it wasn't, they usually infuse the body with some liquid to keep it from decaying for a few days."
I pled the fifth.
"Y'know, he was a good guy, your dad. A great uncle for me. Helped me and my siblings out. Was like a father, sort of. Good guy, him. I wish we'd had the chance to meet before, you and me. It would've been nice."
"We met today."
I simply intended to look at the birds that were chirping when I caught his smile."Yes, yes we have."
We sat there, using the silence as our conversation.
Twenty-two…twenty-three…twenty-four…twenty-five…
"Well, I've got to be going." He stood up and at some point I found my hand being shaken by his. "Let me know if you need someone to talk to or to simply talk or…y'know, anything."
I would've smiled. Really, I would've but first I was fixated by his hand and then his back as he abandoned me on that bench in his pursuit to reach his car. At first, he was Richard, but then I saw my dad as he abandoned me in that house after we had argued. He had turned one last time to reconcile what we had let branch too far. I remember being angry. So angry, but he was sorry-full. So sorry-full. He hurt my pride and I had attacked him mercilessly.
Richard closed the car door behind him and I saw my dad close our house front door. I was so angry. Before he closed the door, I was angry. I said something and he looked at me with a face so torn, so foreign for him to any face my memory had of him. It was the first time I saw his eyes so turgid.
'Don't look so forlorn' I had said.
Thirty-eight hours, thirty-eight minutes, and thirty-eight seconds ago.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi, rawrafied. This is Pinkie here for a review. Excuse me as I put on my glasses. *puts on pink glasses*
I like this chapter. This is very deep and engrossing. I really love the main character. The main character is very interesting. Her emotions, thoughts, and actions. It is very realistic about her. However, I was bit of confused by some events. Well, I will forget about it. Anyway, this is a good chapter. I love to read more from you. I will wait for the next chapter. Have a nice day!
Awesome Job!
Cheers
Your reviewer, Pinkiegirl13
Hiya Pinkie~~~! Your glasses are snazzy. ;D
I'm sure the event you're talking about is that transition scene that everyone hates. xD Haha. But, there's only one other scene like it in the novel (spoiler: in the final chapter ^_^). And the remainders will have an actual transition sentence.
Thank your for your kind response. I'm so glad you enjoyed it and the grump MC is still an appreciative character. :3 And thank you for expressing interest in this. Unfortunately, though, it'll be a while before I work on finishing this story. This is actually the first story I want to try publishing, but I want to finish some less serious projects first for practice. I'm currently working on 'Salvation of Ignorance' and 'A Guide To Males'. Though, there are a few novels after that I want to finish before I get to this again. :\ Sorry. ]:
Going in as much detail as I can:
“I shouldn't have but I did as I had snapped a muttered 'fine' back.” Drop the “had.”
Also the paragraph isn’t really clear. She blamed on hormones the fact she snapped or that she hadn’t heard his question in however much time had passed?
The second “paragraph” isn’t really clear either. I’d chop it up in smaller, simpler sentences.
“I was just staring” I just stared. Makes the action more direct. And the sentence containing it is bad. Too long and convoluted. Again chop it up to make it clearer.
“He broke a record thirty-nine hours, thirteen minutes, and seventeen seconds ago, my dad. He broke the record for him figuring out that I had no intention of talking about that day.”
What? I’m sorry but I read it a few times and I am still not in the clear what exactly is happening.
“It was quiet, but I had been focused on my moment of peace.” And. Not but. Silence does not contradict peace. If it was noisy, yes it would be but, but since it’s silent, it’s and.
I think you have one too many “I hated.” Generally, you should limit yourself to three dramatic repetitions. You can easily put a few “hated” sentences together with an “and” here.
“with subtle hinting tones that slowly developed into a full-fledged sign of exasperation.” It’s not bad, (though there’s a bit of a typo in there) and this is purely personal preference, but I would shorten it to “that slowly devolved into sighs of exasperation.” Still conveys the action, has fewer words, and is clearer. Sentences that are to the point are usually better than weaving, complex structures.
“behaviorist personality theory.” Speaking as someone not really educated in personal psychology, I don’t know what that is. I mean now I do, after I googled it. But my point is, is it worth using it, and does using it really gain you enough to ought-weight alienating 90% of your audience when they read this particular sentence. In other words, you shouldn’t really be sending me, or any other reader, off too google while reading your story. Still if you really need it to convey a mood or a point, forget i said anything.
“Quite annoyed, really I was. So very annoyed, truly.” Redundancy. Doesn’t contribute to dramatic tension in this particular case.
One too many “the ways.” Same as I said up above about “I hated.” Moderate. After a while it is no longer dramatic or tense but simply, well, annoying.
“Like usual, I had tried to work my way out of it only it wasn't very usual as I used one word answers that had never been muttered, nor so meek either, by me.” Put a comma before only. Or a dot. Also, long, complex, convoluted, cut, simplify, clarify.
“I never met him before” I had never met him.
“He was staring down” he stared down at me. Again, not bad, just personal suggestion to make the action feel more direct.
Maybe I didn’t read carefully enough but I think you need a better transition/establishment of where she is at the exact moment the action is happening. I got that she had argued with her dad all too clear, but where she is in the “now” eludes me. And I mean I want to know something beyond “it was cold” earlier. (The later bench description is cool, but you should mention it earlier too. Just that she was sitting on a bench or in the park, or outside, sitting outside would be good, no need for more elaboration.)
“cinnamon-tea warm voice.” A bit of an odd… association.
“curious creepy.” Curiously creepy. Or “found his curiosity creepy.”
Is the elaboration or mortuary techniques necessary? Don’t answer it, just think about it.
“Richard closed the car door behind him and I” Maybe through him instead of behind. There’s just something fishy about the “behind.”
Ok. I think I see what you’re trying to do here. And I quite fancy it to be fair. But it needs work. Try to balance between clarity and complexity, because usually, when you aim for one, you lose the other.
Also you have a bit of a “dramatic overkill” issue. Rephrasing and repeating statements to build up on the tension works when it’s used in moderation, go over border, and well… you kill it.
Again, you have some really nice, really tense and elaborate passages in here, but you need to be careful not to tip it over the edge. (The story sounds better around the dialogue by the way. It’s the earlier narration that is a bit… difficult to go through.)
Nice ending. I really liked it. So good job, keep up the good work.
Holy cow, lengthy review. But I like it. ;D I just have to open a new tab to reply though. xD Haha. Thank you for taking the time to be this detailed. ^_^
'Hormone' comment question: oh God. This is actually a good one and I wish I could answer it but it's a spoiler. I'll just say technically both are correct, but--from what context I've given you thus far--her snapped reply would be the best one to stick with for now to prevent confusion.
%u201CHe broke a record thirty-nine hours," -- I'm not sure what exactly is confusing you here, so I apologize if my answer doesn't help. ^_^' If it's the minutes thing, it's revealed during the cousin scene that she habitually counts time. And at the end of the chapter, it's revealed she was counting the time from the last time she saw her dad. If it's the second line, she's saying that usually her dad never realizes that she doesn't want to talk to him.
%u201CIt was quiet, but I had been focused on my moment of peace.%u201D -- The 'but' isn't here to show a contradiction between 'peace' and 'quiet'. It's referring to the fact the 'quiet'/silence was a bad thing, 'but' she didn't mind because that's what she wanted.
I agree with the 'hated' part being rhythmically off. I don't agree with the rule of three though, because it's more about pattern the quantity. I wanted it to read more like her overdoing her criticism, but it's not reading quite like that.
" a full-fledged sign of exasperation.%u201D -- That's 'sign' is not a typo for 'sigh', but I understand the confusion, since that' generally the expression. She's saying that she's no longer being discrete about her annoyance.
%u201Cbehaviorist personality theory.%u201D -- I'm a little sad to see this, but I suppose it is a taste thing. The point of writing a novel is writing what you want to read. For me, one of my favorite things about reading is learning (that's what books were made for). From history, science, vocab, etc. And looking up the unknown is natural in reading novels. I can understand your point, but I don't want to be a Stephanie Meyer. I want to be a J.D. Salinger.
The redundancy is a style technique.
%u201CLike usual, I had tried to work my way out of it only it wasn't very usual as I used one word answers that had never been muttered, nor so meek either, by me.%u201D -- You're right, this is convoluted. A comma won't fix it. I'm gonna have to reword.
Transition scene: yes, everyone gets thrown off by this. xD I'm tempted to remove it, but it's also part of a HUGE HUGE HUGE part of the story and I'm trying to weigh it's worth. I might just leave this and then ask those who finish the novel whether to keep it or not. Also, she gives hints she's a a funeral, not a park. ^_^
%u201Ccurious creepy.%u201D -- 'Curious' isn't describing creepy. She's saying his curiosity creepy. And this is written in dialect.
'Is the elaboration or mortuary techniques necessary? Don%u2019t answer it, just think about it.' -- Yes. (I'm a rebel ;D).
%u201CRichard closed the car door behind him and I%u201D Maybe through him instead of behind. There%u2019s just something fishy about the %u201Cbehind.%u201D -- Um, no? You can't go through a door. This ain't no X-men. xD Haha.
I'll keep your other nitpicks in consideration. I'll also keep your suggestion of the repetition in mind. It's a good point, but I'm not sure if applicable. Again, thank you for the detailed review. <333
Just to clarify a few points:
Minutes are fine. It%u2019s just how the two sentences follow each other that%u2019s iffy. Especially in that second sentence. I can%u2019t describe it, it just feels%u2026 odd, as if I trip over my thoughts when I get to that part.
Doesn%u2019t become clear, the quiet thing. There isn%u2019t context to her disliking it, therefore when you say %u201Cbut%u201D the default action is to read it as contradiction. You can try and imply that the quiet was bad, like %u201Cthe malicious silence reined over me, but%u201D etc. (a cheap example from the top of my head.)
The hated thing, it might work if you make the sentences more stylistically and structurally similar in that case. Like create a poem-like feeling, without actual rhyme but close. Free verse. Same for the other thing I brought up later.
*shrugs* Still think it%u2019s better to shorten. And I like sigh more, it shows it rather than tells it that%u2019s she isn%u2019t being discrete.
The redundancy thing, style or not, doesn%u2019t work in this particular passage. That%u2019s why I highlighted it here. The sentences are too%u2026 different, so to say. You might want to reword them to roll off the tongue easier.
I thought a bit more about the transition. And I got an idea. Maybe mention the cold up where you%u2019re talking about the silence. That way it%u2019s foreshadowed earlier and the transition to the bench and the cousin would be clearer. You still need more of a settings description in-between the dialogue though. And the funeral is too implied. And don%u2019t get me wrong I love when things are implied; just in this case you might want to be a little bit more direct. Also more elaborate about what her surroundings look like still without mentioning the funeral. It%u2019s a %u201Chelp the reader imagine%u201D thing.
It%u2019s not the door. It%u2019s the %u201Cshe saw her dad behind him,%u201D thing. It%u2019s too literal and since she isn%u2019t actually seeing him, unclear. It made me do a double take of the sentence just to sort out through the visuals.
So, from what I've read of this, most of the things you're telling me are pure stylistic choice rather than an actual reason for them not working. So I won't answer each point and leave it as that.
There is context to her disliking the silence. She's saying it's not normal. The whole drama begins because he doesn't do what he normally does. However, if you're having difficulty seeing that, interpret as you will. I'm open to about any interpretation if done with good evidence. :3
The reason for the jump in transition isn't because I don't know how to do it. I did it on purpose for a plot reason. And for that same reason, I can't mention anything about the funeral in the passage with her dad. I guess I could mention something about the cold when they're in the car at the beginning, but all that does is give you a time frame, which I've done already by her counting time. Also, in the second chapter, I explain more about her surrounding.
Oh, okay. She's not seeing an apparition of her dad behind him. If I meant that, I would've put 'and' before 'behind him'. Richard's just closing the door and it reminded her of her dad doing that/
Don't let clarity suffer because of style, that's what I was trying to say. If the reader is asking questions, you need to rethink the style. And no, wherever it was personal preference I underlined that. But anyhow, this is a draft after all, and I feel I am begining to chew too much on what will probably be clarified later so I will leave it at this.
Wow! Cynder here for review! I liked that a lot! You had.. emphasis on how the main character thought and felt. It was really deep, and thought provoking. I felt the sense of despair and longing to be loved... that was very well portrayed. I would add a little more of a setting though, and really capture your reader. Create a world the reader can feel on two levels; on an emotional level, which you have, and.. a level of sight. How to see her, project her image, project how she sees herself. I would also explain the watch thing a little more, as in connect the emotional back story to the ticking clock... Does it have to do with something she has to do later on? Or is it just in remembrance? I say this to encourage you to go further and deeper. I end by saying, keep going. Don't lose faith, in you or the character. I really enjoyed this, so thank you.
Woah, I just saw this. Sorry for the late reply. ^_^ The scene with her father will be reflected on quite a lot later on, so I'll definitely mention some background then. In the beginning of the second chapter, she describes the funeral a bit more. She herself also get's described through out. As for how she sees herself, that's a major point of the novel. So I can't give that away. xD
The watch itself isn't important but her counting time is. This also gets expanded on through out the book. And again, can't explain because it's a huge spoiler.
Thank your for your feedback and glad you enjoyed it. ^_^
Ok, cool. I'm glad. I'm also happy you responded. Thanks
Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!
Okay, so I'm like, absolutely in love with your main character. The way she just goes about life, counting the hours, minutes, and seconds seem really interesting. It's a nice quirk she has. And she's so snippy! Especially with the thing in the beginning with her dad. She didn't want to talk so she did everything that she could do to get out of the conversation. But she just couldn't. So she resulted to complaining in her mind instead of out loud.
I was a bit confused at the part when she first met Richard. It seemed out of place. Here she is, thinking about this conversation/argument she had with her dad and all of the sudden she meets Richard. There's no transition or indication that her thoughts/actions have changed. And then reading on later, I realized that they were at her funeral and that's why Richard was there. It seems a bit odd in the beginning however when he just sits down next to her and proclaims that she's his cousin. I pictured this random kid sitting next to her and proclaiming they're cousins. I'd suggest adding something in there when Richard comes in to distinguish between her memories and real life. You don't have to give away that it's a funeral right away. You seem to want to keep that a secret for a while. But you could have her snap out of her thoughts and notice that she's at an event with her family.
This is a great start. You've got a solid character here with an interesting predicament here. Many stories have kids that are orphans or orphaned. But that doesn't mean that they're all the same. As long as your character has her own unique problems and unique story, your story will be unique. I know it
Let me know when the next chapter is out!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
'Ello, Noelle. ^_^ I'm glad you're enjoying the character and that is some premise of interest here. Yeah, the orphan thing is over-done, so I'm definitely depending on my characters/writing here. x'D
Yeah, everyone gets confused at the Richard part. ^_^' I'm kinda at a cross at how I want to approach this. The point of this is to work with the story's overall theme/conflict of being unable to differentiate the past from the present. And the reactions are suppose to help the reader sympathize more with the character. But I would like to make it a little bit more cleaner. So, I'll see what I can do in a future edit. :3
Sure, I can give you a notice. Thank you for asking. <333 Though, warning, my other two story are high priority right now with more chapters pre-written. So, it might be a while. ^_^''
Hey rawr! Silver here to do a review for you!!
Main Points
I thought that was phrased little funnily, maybe try removing the "myself"?
Found a typo
I didn't really get this but I am pretty slow.
Haha! I loved that response!
I really enjoyed reading this story! I found it interesting and quite different to what I usually see. The ending was killer even though I didn't really understand it (as I said I'm a little slow
Silverlock
Thank you for catching the typo and advice.
As for that line. Maybe it's something that further chapters will explain? Basically, her father picks her up everyday from school and they do this routine every time. However, the main point of the passage/sentence is repetition and how annoyed she is with the repetition.
Yeah, everyone that's read it so far comments on that. xD I suppose it is a style choice and it's suppose to emulate/foreshadow the theme of the book. This idea of living in the past because it's hard to separate/distinguish the two. However, I tried to make is more obvious what's in the past by having her use apostrophes rather than quotation marks. Word the past dialog in more of a monologue set-up.
But glad you enjoyed it other than that. Thank you for the review and like~~~! <333