A/N: Woah! I have two chapters up in the same day! What is the world coming to?! Well, I figured that seeing as the first chapter to this story was really short and my other story is currently on an unofficial hiatus, I'd give you this to entertain you. Please tell me what you think!
She woke up to warm, strong hands on her shoulders, and a low voice telling her to wake up. She let out a moan; she wanted to sleep. She attempted to roll over, but her head ended up on top of something, two somethings, that immediately tensed as her head lolled on them. The hands and the voice were relentless, so she opened her eyes to find two charcoal black ones staring into hers. They were breathtakingly beautiful. They had flecks of gold and green in them. Her awakening mind realized that they belonged to a certain dark-haired boy, and that they were still in the car. Wait, she thought, we are still in the car… so that means that the things my head is resting on… are his legs! Her head had rolled right into his lap! But, of course, along with the revelation that her head was in his lap, she also realized that the blanket had fallen off her and her knee-length black dress had ridden up to about mid-thigh. She felt her face begin to warm, probably resembling that of a tomato.
“Uh, hi,” she said, trying to fight the blush spreading all over her face.
He coughed. “Yeah, well, uh, we’re here,” he forced out, not looking her in the eyes. After a few moments, he looked back down at her, “I know I’m irresistable, but could you get off my lap? We have to pack up your stuff.”
Blushing furiously, again, she said, “Oh. Right. Sorry,” awkwardly pulling herself off his lap and into a sitting position, pulling down her dress as she went. When she looked over at him, he was wearing a smirk. “Oh, shut up,” she said, and got out of the car and all but ran to the front door of her house.
“Do you have a key?” She nearly jumped out of her skin; she hadn’t heard him come up behind her.
“Holy crap! Are you trying to give me a heart attack?!” Guess what his response was? That’s right; another chuckle. She pulled out her key, but stopped just as she was about to fit it into the lock. “Before I let you into my house, I want to know your name.” She knew she was being ridiculous, but if she knew his name then he would be less of a stranger and she wouldn’t feel as weird letting him into her house.
“Seriously? You’re doing this right now?”
“Yes. Now tell me.”
He sighed. “Fine. My name is Jackson. Jackson Landon Chase. Happy now?”
“Yes, thank you,” Jackson Landon Chase. What a nice name.
“Yeah, whatever,” he huffed, “Can we go inside now, or do you have any other urgent questions?” She sighed and closed her eyes. Yes, she had many questions, but she probably wouldn’t get their answers from him.
“No, I’m good now.” She put the key in the lock and turned, opening the creaky door. It felt weird to be back in her home, now that the people who had loved and cared for her were gone. Just thinking about them made the backs of her eyes start to burn. Stop it, she scolded herself, you don’t want to make a scene again, do you? She carefully walked up the stairs and into her bedroom, took out her favorite blue patterned duffel bag, and began to pack. She had always had a lot of clothes, thanks to her grandmother, but she knew exactly what she was going to take with her.
As she turned to go, she slammed face-first right into Jackson’s chest (which was rock solid, by the way) and landed on her butt. “Ouch,” she mumbled. He was just staring at her as she got up, not even offering to help. “Well, thanks for the help, I really appreciated it,” she sarcastically spat. She picked up her bag and tried to leave once more, but he stopped her. “What?” She craned her neck to look up at him, and she could have sworn that she saw a look of amusement mingled with curiosity in his eyes.
“I told you my name, now before I let you back into my car, I would like to know yours.”
Seriously? “Two things: one, you said that it was my car, and two, if you knew my parents, wouldn’t they have told you my name?” Even in her current irrational state, she had to admit that they were good points, and she mentally congratulated herself.
“One, they told me that you could have the car when I deemed you ready for it, and I do not deem you ready for it, so it is still mine. Two, your parents were super paranoid, and they charged me with protecting you, but they never let me see you until a few days ago and they certainly never told me your name.” She sighed. He was probably telling the truth; her parents were very paranoid people, and of course would think of her safety even after… She couldn’t even think it. But, that still left the matter of the car, and though she was mad (because he was probably telling the truth about that, too) she was too exhausted to argue.
“Fine. My name is Nerezza. Nerezza Lilith Malvolio.” She liked her name; she thought it was super cool. She had looked up the meaning of it once; Nerezza meant “darkness,” Lilith meant “of the night,” and Malvolio meant “ill-will.” Sure, it was dark, but it held a certain unique beauty about it, and she absolutely loved it; she wouldn’t change her name for the world. It matched her sense of style, too; she would wear mainly dark clothing, but would sometimes accessorize with neon jewelry or hair stuff, just for the contrast. She had olive skin, dark, chocolate-brown eyes, and dark brown hair, which helped her image fit in with her Italian name and heritage.
He just looked her up and down, nodding, and said, “Cool name. It suits you.” And then he turned and left, obviously expecting her to follow. She wasn’t sure why, but she felt a blush creep up her neckat his words. It was probably because I’m still self-conscious about wearing a dress, she thought to herself, yeah, that’s it. She let her dark hair down in an attempt to hide it and scurried after him. She was full of sorrow, somehow knowing that this would probably be the last time that she set eyes on her house. As they drove away, she felt small tears coat her cheeks, watching the only home she had ever known disappear into the distance.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Ho! I'm back again, remember how I said that your story was eerily similar to a story I wrote few years back. That opening paragraph with her head on his lap...I had the exact same scene. >_>
Anyways, let's go!
Erm, I'm not sure if I like her now. She seems so...cliché as well. Was this whole paragraph needed. We had just spend a whole paragraph looking at her gushing about her name and also her clothing style, the only thing I got out of that was that she was Italian. All those information about her clothing can be easily reflected in another way. Instead of saying it, you could have showed us what she wears.
That last paragraph, made me question if this chapter was necessary at all. It is basically a filler, I'm not trying to be offensive here. But it is in a way,is basically Nezz getting clothes and flirting with Jackson. I didn't gain any insight into the characters that were different from chapter one, in fact, they seem more cliche to be honest. I did get a good laugh from Jackson's reaction though. And the way she scurried after him really made me cringe, it was like she's just this person without her mind and she is just following him blindly and falling for him.
You must, must slow these two down, and develop them and their relationship. Characterization is also needed here. Right now all I'm getting is their attitude and nothing else. Overall impression: Look, you have a good and solid writing voice, is engaging but your content isn't quite right yet. But please keep writing, I want to see where this goes.
If you have any questions, shoot me a PM. Hope I wasn't too harsh.
-S.s
Hello, love! Aurora here with a quick review for you!
Alright, well, I found no nitpicks in this chapter. Incidentally, I did go back and read chapter one, so I might be able to give you some better advice.
Okay. He's driving? And she fell asleep on his lap? Not only would her neck be on the gear shift (which is painful), but she must have a really big head or a really long neck, because otherwise, she simply wouldn't make it all the way onto Jackson's lap.
And with her name...
Don't get me wrong; I love irony. However, I don't think you have the least intention of being ironic, (no offence if you were) and it's just too perfect that her personality would fit her name so well. Yes, it's a story, and stories are close the perfect, but if you have a perfect story, novel, or anything, really, it usually isn't a good read. It's the same theory with characters. You want your characters to have flaws that they can grow out of and mature by learning from them, because if you made them perfect,a0 your readers would hate them, and b0 it'd be a really boring story.
Also, Jackson's character just doesn't add up for me. I would have expected him to catch her before she fell or at least help her up. He let her sleep on his lap (where most normal people would have set her upright again so that they can not crash the car), and he DOESN'T KNOW HER NAME? If he's been watching her fro a few days, he should know a nickname that everyone calls her by, at the very least...
I'm also really curious as to how her parents died.
Finally, I think the house could use more description. I couldn't get a picture in my head at all.
Keep writing, love.
Aurora
I feel she’s falling for him too fast. You need better establishment of the characters and their chemistry first. Have them go through some stuff together, slowly get to know each other, etc. you know the drill. Else it’s just physical attraction which doesn’t usually amount to much.
He isn’t driving I hope. Else she can’t really sleep on his lap. And if not, how long were they just sitting there, and why?
The name giving should have come way earlier. At the beginning of the first chapter even. Like he approaches her on the funeral, goes like I am *insert name here* I was a friend of your folks. And then everything else. Would make so much more sense.
He’s kind of incoherent. First he has his hands all over her, lets her sleep on his lap, then when she bumps into him doesn’t even offer help to stand? Just doesn’t make sense character wise. If you keep on from the initial behaviour he’d even catch her when she smacks into him.
Wait… he doesn’t even know her name? He knew her parents no? Even if he didn’t, he would know how she’s called and more about her if he wants something from her and is ready to approach her. Else what kind of sense does it make to walk up to a random person and go through all that trouble? It doesn’t make sense. Even with the parents being paranoid. He can still find out her name all too easily too. I assume she lives in the same digital era. Plus he can easily nose around. I would if I was tasked with bodyguarding some girlie.
Oh lord no. http://writeitsideways.com/what-not-to- ... haracters/
Sorry I had to because no. His name is ok since mystery and all, but her, no, just no. Don’t turn your main into a Mary Sue, no one likes Mary Sues.
So yeah, things are happening too fast, you need to establish your characters, and you have a case of a bit of a Mary Sue. I’d sketch out a plot too before plunging into this story blind. I do think there’s much potential with it, but as it is now, I’m sorry to say, it’s just sloppy.
So take your time, lay out your plot, establish your settings, develop your characters, and profit!