Lucifer

Oh no I'm going to spend some time on it, probably tonight. I just wanted a bit of feedback, is all.

No... twine as in bindings.

Is the ending bad because the idea is stupid or just because it's badly written?

I would say that this one doesn't really have a rhythm, I'm kind of new to poetry but I'm pretty sure that a rhythm is not required.

Any suggestions on how I could make the end smoother?

The style is tanka, you're not supposed to use punctuation.

So you're saying that God punished him because he wasn't paying attention to the teaching?

Really good. Those first two lines could use work.

The title doesn't make sense but the story is pretty good.

Oh, another thing. You make it sound like they have a strong relationship. All they are is penpals. This girl is getting emotional over a relationship that never really existed.

It never actually happens though. It's just something that the character would like to do to her. Also I never add stuff just because.

What's with the dancing elephant?

I'm moving this up.

Bump yet again.

I'm going to move this up.