Published November 28, 2005
i pound the bread dough
imagining it’s your face
you make me want to
eat a bullet, kill myself
bread will be fluffy tonight
What do you think of the last line? My mom said if you knead bread alot it'll be really fluffy. Do you think it's too vague? If so, any suggestions for the last line? (It has to be only 7 syllables.)
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141,285 Literary Works • 674,333 Reviews
The style is tanka, you're not supposed to use punctuation.
Wow, I like it. Usually short poems aren't that good.
Correction, MY short poems are not good.
Anyway, yours is awesome. I love the last line.
Maybe add some punctuation? Or maybe not.
I remember, one time I kneaded some biscuits too much, and they were the hardest things around. It sucked. I had to eat them too -- child abuse!
I'm not sure about it though... bread dough may be? Try it yourself!
Ah, the things writers do...
Hee hee. Angry aren't we?
AHAHAHA... AHA... Well yeah, the last line, I can't describe it but it seemed awkward with no such transistion.
This was pretty decent... You can always make some lines about what the bread is made of.
Hatered, anger, spit... revenge?
I think the last line is fine-I didn't know bread was fluffy if it's kneaded a lot, but most people probably know more about baking or whatever than I do-I'm hopeless in the kitchen. I think it's a great metaphor.