I had spent all night at possibly the most boring meeting I had ever gone to. We had gone to learn about the word of God, but it dissolved into a staring contest between me and some homeless guy as the priest went on and on. I still don't remember a word of what he was talking about. I do remember that it was raining real hard though.
So, when the entire thing was over, I went down the stairs to my car. It was still raining hard, but the wind had come up. I had to shield my eyes from the stinging drops of water. I knew by the burning sensation I felt, that this particular rain was mildly acidic, possibly from the sewage plant nearby. So, I kept my eyes shut, which was unfortunate, since there was a banana peel at the top of the stairs. At least, that is what they told me later, but that is getting ahead of the story.
I do remember slipping, but I don't remember much after that until I woke up at the bottom of the steps. For a moment I thought I was back at the meeting because of all the homeless people that were staring at me, but when the pain came from everywhere but my ears, I knew I must have had a bad fall.
"What the heck happened to me?" I asked.
"I dunno, but we called an ambulance an hour ago," one of the homeless persons said.
"How long before I die?" I asked weakly. At least, that is what I meant to ask. It came out like this: "How long?"
"We called an ambulance an hour ago. What are you, stupid?" I was about to answer, when the ambulance entered the parking lot at a speed that only emergency vehicles could go legally. It entered so quick that the car parked itself directly over me, missing my joints, which were in incredible pain at that point.
After they had backed the ambulance up, they loaded me onto the gurney. I was informed at that point, by EMT Jim Hanker, that I was going to die. Apparently Jim Hanker was on his first shift ever as an EMT. This theory was reinforced as he proceeded to stab my arm 20 times with an IV needle, before finally getting it right.
The ride over itself was a bad experience that I'd rather not repeat. Hanker's frankness and increasingly exaggerated commentary on the full extent of my injuries was of the most uncomfortable nature. My comfort was further decreased by the fact that the ambulance had been converted into a low rider. This not only meant that the entire vehicle would scrape the bottom of an intersection, but that every time we came by a convertible with pretty girls in it, the driver would start to show off his hydraulics. It was a wonder they even showed up in the first place.
After what felt like an eternity, we arrived at the hospital, which was only a block away from where I sustained my injuries. I could have walked there and have arrived in better condition then when I did in that ambulance. They rushed me into the emergency room, where they spent two hours making me sign waivers, and 20 seconds to do the actual work.
I learned later that I had received a mild concussion. Earlier predictions that I'd die in child birth were unfounded, which made me wonder if they had mixed me up with some of the patients in the maternity ward. One good thing did come out of the entire thing though, and that was that God was real. The fact that I am alive today is a sure sign of the power of God and his extraordinary ability to punish.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,829 Reviews
Okay, I can do this. Thanks for the comments so far.
I concur.
Going back over and reading this, I liked most of the humor, but some of the ridiculous things (the ambulance running him over, for example) were out of place. I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you're going to make one thing ridiculous, make them all ridiculous.
*twitches....*
I couldn't finish it. It reminded me of when I went.
This was odd. I don't exactly see what you are trying to say... like what Shriek said.
"...The pain came from everywhere but my ears..." This cracked me up
I wanted to avoid giving any advice since it's only my opinion, and an opinion that seems to differ from others. I was just more clearly explaining why I didn't find it funny. But I suppose that does sum it up. We're confronted with people totally incompetent in their jobs every day, and ambulance drivers are no exception. I liked the IV part since that has actually happened to me (they finally stopped after they poked an artery), but I've never known an ambulance to accidentally run over the person they're trying to rescue. I have known of people, though, who fell out of the gurney as it was being loaded, and I have heard of someone who was waiting for an ambulance for a long time. Unfortunately, when the ambulance did arrive, it wasn't for him.
So, what I'm going for is unexpected, but easily imaginable?
The part about the homeless man staring back at the speaker was funny because it was so unexpected, and yet instantly imaginable. Just a man staring back at you would be interesting, but the fact that it's a "homeless man," makes it funny because the "homeless" part comes so abruptly.
The banana peel again was good. Not as funny, but still funny.
But then you get to the ambulance part, and it all gets overblown. You begin exagerrating for the sake of exagerrating, and it's just not that humorous. It's kind of like reading a "Bugs Bunny" cartoon. It's funny when you see it on TV, but it's not that funny when you read it on paper.
Thanks for the reply... Snoink. I guess I'm just unedumacated when it comes to literature of the 1800s, or something. I mean, I recognized that the author was going at dry humor about halfway through the piece, but some of the things happening throughout the course of the story were ridiculous in comparison to what the tone suggested. -Shrug- That's the uneducated me talking. Feel free to ignore this comment.
That wouldn't work. The wind is already at its peak, not approaching it. It has already happened, now it is at full force.
How can I make the humor better, as in language, timing, etc.?
Too much passive voice.
"It was still raining hard, but the wind had come up. I had to shield my eyes from the stinging drops of water."
In this, I didn't get why you needed a "but." Anyways, saying the "wind had come up," is passive and a little awkward. Saying that the "wind was coming up," or the "wind was picking up," might sound better. Also, saying "had to," is another example of passive voice. You could get rid of it and change shield to "shielded," or reword the sentence.
I really liked how you opened it, though. The part about the homeless man staring back was funny. But from there, I didn't care much for it. Passive voice bugs me, and the exaggerated dry humor seemed overdone.
This is written in the style of the 1800s. Think Mark Twain and Voltaire. It's a subtle form of humor, told in a bland, dry way, which is sometimes so funny, it'll leave you in stitches. It's a rather sophisticated form of humor though, and not done a lot nowadays, so you might not have seen it before.
There are somethings in it that are not dry enough and are too emotional. I'll go over them... after the Spanish essay is done. XD
I didn't know what to make of this. It was definately well written--so no complaints there. Just the tone of the piece threw me off. I was confused about whether it was supposed to be comical (in that genuinely funny way) or satirical or something to actually be taken seriously. What I suggest is that you add in some emotion, more thoughts for the main character (instead of "I did this, this, this and this.") so the piece can really be appreciated. I like the way it's being told--you've got great style, just... give it more attitude.
PS: The banana peel thing? Genius. -Grins-
So you're saying that God punished him because he wasn't paying attention to the teaching?
XD
This reminds me of the time when Dad took a blood test, and the doctors gave him the good news -- he was pregnant!
Boy, were we surprised...