i liked it i liked it i liked it!!! YAY
...no it was good, seriously
This is somewhat more of a summary than the actual story anyway. I feel really terrible, this is how I would feel if it happened, this is like what I'd do if something happened like this... and I had the guts to do it. I didn't really mention names and I know, so just don't pester me about the names...
-Elizabeth Mathers
It was around the time of yesterday when the note arrived to him. Of course, it was addressed from her, so he ignored it until letters began to pile up. She wasn't that important to him, just a little secret friend none of the others parents knew of.
It was on his birthday when he finally picked up his stack of letters and took them to his room. He almost tripped over some socks which were on one of the stairs. In his fright and attempt to balance he tossed the letters in the air and held tightly onto the handrail. The letters flew around like a flurry of snow. He did his best to pick them up and carried what he did to his room.
He ripped open the letters one by one, and tore up packages like you wouldn't believe, searching for money or presents from relatives and friends all around. As he flew past all the mail he realized that there was one letter missing.
"Where is the letter?" He walked around the staircase where he had tossed them up high but to no avail. A few more days went on by slowly and he half expected to recieve another letter. He planned to send one out to her just to tell her he lost her letter.
It was nearly a month later, right around Christmas, when he was vaccuming and the sound of paper came from the nozzle of the cleaner. He pulled it out and there was a dusty letter addressed to him.
He went to his room immedately, haing not recieved anymore letters from the girl since this one. Wondering if she had moved or lost his address and couldn't send out another letter. He fingered it, looking at how carefully his name was written and how there was no retun address. Maybe she delivered it to him in person but he wasn't home.
He read the letter, his heart tearing and his eyes widening. He dropped the letter and grabbed his coat, dashing quickly to the park where he and her hung out a lot of the time secretly. As he ran his heart began to pound. His feet slushed against the cold ice and he nearly slid the entire way. The intense friction of his movement could have set the city on fire. He ran and ran until he stopped.
And then, looking above him, he cried as he saw her.
My Dearest Friend,
You have been ignoring me for the past year and a half, writing only once in so often.
My grandparents just died and you don't seem to care because when I mailed you just didn't try to comfort me with your words. They were all I had left: my siblings are old and moved away and my parents have been dead for a long time.
You were my only friend, everybody since I moved here has been teasing me.
I can't take it anymore.
I'll be at the park on Saturday, November 19, if you care about me at all then please show up.
If you don't, then come as you please.
It'll be the last time you see me....
Love,
Your Friend
It has happened. What I'm wondering is why would he would feel attached to her?
And is it just me, or does the title remind me of "Dear Prudence" by The Beatles? ><
Oh, another thing. You make it sound like they have a strong relationship. All they are is penpals. This girl is getting emotional over a relationship that never really existed.
Little emo kid blah blah blah.
Fine then Lucifer, I will work on it and I WILL BE HAPPY!
THANK YOU FOR THE CRITIQUES WHY AM I YELLING?!!!
Hmmm. Good read. Like you said, it's more of a summary than a story. You might want to make it a bit longer, seeing as how I didn't really get a feel for their relationship. You tend to run sentences together when they should be cut off.
Some problems with the letter:
My Dearest Friend,
You have been ignoring me for the past year and a half, writing only every so often. (I wouldn't really consider that 'ignoring', maybe change it to 3 times? Although she seems important to him.)
My grandparents just died and you don't seem to care because when I mailed you didn't try and comfort me with your words. They were all I had left; my siblings are old and moved away and my parents have been dead for a long time.
You were my only friend, everybody since I moved here has been teasing me.
I can't take it anymore. (Change or take this out; it's horribly cliched.)
I'll be at the park on Saturday, November 19. If you care about me at all then please show up. (She sounds like a whiny little bitch in this line. "If you care about me at all....")
If you don't, then come as you please. (If he doesn't what? I don't understand what you mean.
It'll be the last time you see me. (I took out the other periods. I think it should just end, not trail off.
Love,
Your Friend
It's good, but the letter should be powerful and emotional, not sounding like some little emo kid.
I like it! One thing... Wouldn't she be all dead and rotten if it was around Christmas and she said November 19? So do you mean December 19???
I dunno, is there? *twilight zone music plays*
Well, since I'm bored, I'll get right onto editing it.
Cheerio!
Aw, dang... now I want to punch the guy for thinking he could just ignore her... *punches pillow for lack of a real person to take it out on*
2 comments:
1) you don't make it very clear what he sees when he finds her, which, I'm not sure whether I like or not... but either way, it makes it unclear whether he got there too late or not. The reader has to go back and look for something that tells what time of year it is.
2) cliche alert:
The Black Rose wrote:I can't take it anymore.
maybe have it that he reached the park that day.
but he saw her being loaded into a body bag
mwuhahahaha
um yeh that was random
now im scared.
Emma wrote:I gree with Snoink, but it is also very good. I like the whole thing. It is lucky that he got the letter that day. Very sweet.
Twas more of an outline I said... i'll try and like.... *shivers* edit it or something. I am better at outlines than actual stories I believe. Thanks for the critiques... *shivers*
I gree with Snoink, but it is also very good. I like the whole thing. It is lucky that he got the letter that day. Very sweet.
I read a lot, and it's very rare that I read as intensely as I did with this one, or that I have a strange tensing senstation in my chest. This one grabbed me right from the start and kept me all the way thru.
It's good, it's great. No critique really to give. It's heartbreaking, shocking, and profound.
Superb.
Ooh loved ur title... Not that Im gonna steal it *looks shifty*... But I'm afraid that's about it...
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