Jesus Was Gother Than You.
Written November 4, 2005
Personally, I don’t understand what everyone finds so attractive about you and that lime green makeup you powder over your eyes every morning. It’s loud, blatantly obnoxious, makes your eyes look small and beady. Fits your personality perfectly, of course. It’s too bad you can’t be as opaque as that awful green powder makes you seem, sweetie.
I notice you and your electric eyelids slithering towards me during fifth period lunch. My stomach delivers a foreboding lurch as I breathe in your suffocating cigarette and hairspray fumes. Tempting as it is to vomit my chicken-cheese-and-mayo sandwich all over the front of your 'the Killers' t-shirt, I refrain and push the lump of dairy, meat, and bread to the top of my soft palate.
You tower over my chair, hand on your hip, eyes flitting around my abandoned lunch table before settling on my emaciated form. A smirk of arrogance is plastered on your ugly little face—you have the entire world on your side, and you know it. I’ve got a chemistry textbook, a few napkins littered with lyrics, and a half eaten sandwich.
“Hi.” I am frostily polite, defiantly swallowing the lump-turned-brick in my throat.
“Anyone sitting here?” you laugh, your voice dripping with mockery. You take a seat without waiting for my reply and drum your black manicured fingernails casually on the sticky tabletop.
“So my friends and I were wondering,” you say, gesturing over to the table where you eat with your legion of followers. “Are you a lesbian?” You ask this almost nonchalantly, opening my bag of Cheez-Its and dumping them onto the table. “Word is you’re thinking of taking Emily Mitchell to homecoming.” You smile, flashing those pointy white fangs mercilessly.
I focus on a patch of grime caked on the cafeteria wall, suppressing emotion. “Leave me alone, Dani,” I force through clenched teeth.
“What? Am I bothering you?” you ask, your devilish grin feigning innocence. I watch as you trace a Cheez-It across the table with your pinkie finger.
Yes.
I take another bite of my sandwich.
“Lyndsey,” you say, your expression of concern reading fake and unconvincing. “I’m shocked that we can’t talk like two civilized people anymore! Why, it was only yesterday that—“
That what? That we entered high school and you, little by little, stopped returning my calls, stopped acknowledging my ‘hey’ in the halls, stopped responding to my existence? Only yesterday that you started cutting yourself in order to be popular, in order to fit in with your little band of wrist-slitting, cigarette puffing brand-named pals? Only yesterday that you ran off to get wasted every weekend, using me as your damned excuse whenever Daddy asked where you were? Only yesterday that you let your friends beat up my brother and take his money—and his dignity? EVEN THOUGH YOU KNEW THAT HE WAS AUTISTIC? EVEN THOUGH YOU’VE KNOWN HIM SINCE YOU WERE SEVEN YEARS OLD? EVEN THOUGH YOU KNEW HE WAS HELPLESS AND SENSITIVE AND MY BROTHER?!
Was it only yesterday, Dani? Only yesterday that you called me “Jesus’ ass-kissing, self-righteous little whore” instead of your self-described “best friend”?
“—we could tolerate each other.”
Silence.
You pout, pushing your lip ring into my field of vision. I want to rip it off your face. Instead, I bite my own lip and fight tears.
“Are you done yet?” I choke. “Because I could have sworn I asked you to leave me THE HELL alone.” I hear my voice break. A tear spills down my cheek. I hate you.
I watch your eyes narrow into slits; your tar-coated lips pull into a snarl.
"Bitch,” you hiss under your breath before getting up, pivoting on your heel, and walking away. I gather my books, scoop up the remaining Cheez-Its in my palm, and dump them into the garbage as I exit the cafeteria.
What a waste.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,786 Reviews
Wow! You have no idea how surprised I was to see this old thing pulled back up on the front page. Thanks again, TBR. : )
Reich: Hey, thank you. That means a lot coming from one of the older, well respected members of the site.
Dammerung: Thanks for the comment! I appreciate it.
I really like this story and the title is great too. I can't really see anyway you could improve other than what some of the other people have said so there isn't much point to this review but I wanted to say that this is a really good story.
Impressive. Very intense. I like the fact that you recognize that this person is not a real goth. At first it bothered me because my brother is one. But then you went into the description of some of the things she did and I realized your intention. Great work.
I had to re-read this agin... wow... it's been a while.
It was a lovely short story.
But yeah, considering I'm entering High School this is pretty much what I don't want to happen but might happen anyway. Who knows? I loved this again... I did. Keep writing
My new favorite part ... well... it all... again.
Had to read it again.
Wow.
---Elizabeth
Hey, thanks TBR.
Glad you liked it...!
“So my friends and I were wondering,” you say, gesturing over to the table where you eat with your legion of followers. “Are you a lesbian?”
A girl I knew asked my friend something JUST like this... for no apparent reason, just came by and asked.... I liked this... I wished I had read it earlier but I've been busy. I'm glad I read it now... it seems so realistic...
Poor brother of hers... god, what an ungreateful....
Good story!
Aviator: Thank you. Hey, I'm glad to know I'm not the only one going through this crap...
Zelithon: Thanks! Haha, being a wimp is underrated... I'd never thought about the narrator is that, but you make a very valid point.
Snip Snip: Okay, I'll definately think about making a few changes. I thought the vagueness kind of added to the story, but I could be (as I almost always am) wrong.
I think that changing the "you's" to "Dani's" would change the story is a worse way, but you could add in the name a couple different places, like when the main character is thinking about all the things that Dani has done to her, and addressing her, you could add in a "Dani" with a couple commas around it.
I liked it! You could really feel her resentment. The part about the brother was the best in my opinion. But truthfully the main character sounds like a wimp and throughout the story I was routing on her to dump the Cheetos down "you's" shirt. Not that not liking the character makes the story any worse, and I disliked the goth more.
First of all,Amazing story!
Deja Vu...your story was eerily reminiscent of a coversation I had with a fellow student on today's bus ride...I'm serious, your story is an almost perfect play-by-play account of what I experienced earlier today.
scary...
Snip Snip: Heyy, thank you. Yeah, it's a bit short, but I didn't know what to add to make it longer. Adding stuff sometimes spoils it, so I wanted to be careful about that... In what way do you think I could add in "Dani" in more? Taking out the yous, for example? (PS: Thanks for the guest book comment.)
Snoink: =P
Lucifer: Thank you. The title makes sense to me, though...
The title doesn't make sense but the story is pretty good.
I... yes, actually I do. XD
Honest!
WOW, I think this is ABSOLUETLY WONDERFUL! I think that you could add the name Dani in a little more, so readers won't be like, "Dani who?"
m
Also, best friend turned popular is a little cliche, but you made her a different kind of popular instead of the "regular" preppy popular. The part about the brother is original though! I think you could add a little more, it's tinybit short. GREAT JOB!
Shadowdancer: Hey, thanks! I will definitely take your comment about the caps into consideration--a few people on a different site suggested the same thing, but I dunno. I wanted that part to build, and the only way I could think to go about it was to put it in all caps. But yeah, I can see what you're saying too...
Brain: Wow, thank you! That is the most extensive critique I've ever been given. -Feels honored-
I guess the one thing I was trying to get across (but failed to do) is that "Dani" isn't goth--she's a scenester. You know, one of these types of people. Which is why she, indeed, would have the entire world on her shoulders. I guess I just have to fix some wording to make her seem less goth and more scene, perhaps?
"“What, am I bothering you?”"
Definitely going to use your suggestion on this line, thanks.
As for the "Yes," (I am so lame but) this is my favorite line in the story. I'm constantly making little comments like that in my head when I have to deal with people like "Dani"--I think it’s in character, but I can see what you're getting at too.
-Scratches head- I think I'm going to leave it in, but thanks for the suggestion. Again, thank you SO much for the critique. I really appreciate it.
Snoink: Haha, thanks... You know I'm a girl, right?
Try his other story, lol. It's better.
Which means... POST MORE STORIES! XD
Looks like you really took the time to go back and edit the stuff people talked about. I can't stand when writers don't implement someone elses corrections, or, if they disagree, respond to them. When you write something, you should put as much care into it as possible. So anyways, your my kind of writer!
This story is excellent, so since you obviously put a lot of time and care into writing this, I'm going to take a lot of time to write my critique
The title: Grabs the reader's attention right away. The contrasting is great, and it's humorous. It also matches the tone of the story perfectly.
The introduction: Dripping with sarcasm and wit; delicious. I, personally, don't really care for the word "personally" as it's overused and oftentimes unnecessary. However, getting rid of it would take away a lot of the power of the introduction. So while I don't like, I really don't see how it could be changed.
The second paragraph is incredibly vivid and reminds me of this girl I sat behind in Latin class. Every single day I thought I was going to puke; she smelled exactly as what you described.
The body:
"A smirk of arrogance is plastered on your ugly little face—you have the entire world on your side, and you know it."
My problem with this sentence is that I really don't see how this person could have the entire world on their side. More often than not, Goth people pride themselves on being in the outside and being nonconformist, which is incredibly laughable seeing as how they most often conform more than anybody else (though not always).
"“What, am I bothering you?”"
I think there should be a question mark after "What." This better seperates the two parts of the sentence, and slows it down. As it is, like it is just one question, when it's really two.
"Yes."
This is a dramatic break from the rest of the story. It throws the reader out of the dream-state you have created, and detracts from the story.
Everything else in the body was perfect to me. The dialogue was awesome, and the descriptions, down to sticky tabletops, were extensive, vivid, and never overbearing.
Conclusion: Nothing to say; it was great.
Everything in here is awesome. Definitely my favorite story that I have ever read on this site. You show, but don't tell. Your descriptions are incredible, and your dialogue is breathtaking.
wow i really loved this work so much, its really easy to relate to for everybody i guess but it really touches me as my best friend just turned on me and took with me the boy i thought i was in love with and my sisters Autistic and i know if anybody ever hurt her i would hate them.....This is a really amazing peice its so well written and i found it extreamly easy to read.
Snoink: Haha, thanks for the clarification on the whole Jesus'/Jesus's thing. I will take your word for it. I am a little bit confused as to why the adjectives in this one are superfluous as opposed to the other. -Scratches head- I'll have to take a look at that...
Thegirlwhofateloves and sureal: Thank you!
I really liked this. It seemed complete and was great, because it's such a simple thing to write about, but very effective. It hits a nerve because I think a lot of people have had the kind of experience where they've had a friend become such a bitch. You also kept it to what it was about and didn't ramble off on a pretentious tangent
good work hun! 
It's Jesus'. I know... you're supposed to put an s after every singular possesive subject, but for the case of ancient godly dudes, the s is omitted.
Trust me on that...
I didn't like this as much as the other story you had (once again, the switching from first to second person was kind of strange) but it was an interesting read nonetheless.
In this case, I think you might have been a little too excessive with your adjectives though...
Heh, the title really grabs your attention here
.
I really enjoyed reading this - can't think of anyway to improve it. It all flowed together well, was all clear to me, was full of feeling, was easy to picture...
Oh yeah, and it can either Jesus' or Jesus's - personally, I use the former (looks better IMO).
Kayleigh: Hey, thanks! I was beginning to regret giving this the title it has, so I appreciate your (and Dusky's) comment.
Bob: I asked my english teacher today which was the correct: Jesus's or Jesus'? She said she's seen it both ways, so...
-Shrug- Thanks for the other criticism though--much appreciated!
Ah, I liked this, indeed I did. I was thinking "this will be stupid" when I read the title, and my word, it wasn't.
Isn't it Jesus'? No extra 's'? Might be wrong...nitpicking time:
Heel.
I think these two parts need to be either on one line, or have a completely blank one in between them, not halfway.
A little excessive, distracts from the tone: use, I don't know, "brigade" or "legion" or "hoard" or something, perhaps?
Apart from those, which are really minor, I thought this was a great piece of writing. The way you split her sentance to put your thoughts in the middle: excellent, that really worked well.
The whole tone of the piece, I think, helps it so much: bitter, and sarcastic, but not just that, there's a lot of genuine sadness there as well. Really, really good prose here.
It was the title that made me read it too, lol.
I thought this was a really good piece of work. You definitely conveyed your emotions well, and you could really feel the hatred. Which was good in this case!
Well done!
Yeah, I always feel like I need toadd in a little footnote when I talk about my brother's autism in stories--just because not a lot of people have been exposed to what it is/how kids with autism act. It's tough...
Thank you for the input!
Wow... I've felt like that sometimes.....
I liked that part about "my" brother being autistic. I've grown up around one, and I know how they act. That one word describes so many things that it would be a shame to leave it out.
It has a very powerful message...you are IN the main character's head. That isn't something outstandingly easy to do...
The "I" and "you" are a little tough to get used to, primarily because 1) it isn't seen much in writing and, 2) who "you" is isn't specified until further down the reading. But, this works to your advantage because it pulls the reader in.
-C
No problem. I sort of figured that it was based on something, so I debated whether to say anything at all, but I thought I might as well make the comment just on the off chance that you would use it.
Wow, thank you! I will definitely look into playing around with the wording so that the 'you's and 'I's make sense. However, I would like to leave the brother part in... I guess I can see how it would distract from the plotline, but this is particularly one of the reasons why I dislike "Dani" so much--one of my main reasons for writing the story in the first place (the story is true to real life in some aspects).
But thanks again for the review. I appreciate it.
I have to admit, you really caught my attention with the title. lol.
I sort of got lost in this section ^^^, trying to decipher all the "you"s and "I"s. I think that was because I kept trying to make the you and I the same person, but I'm not sure if that is a problem just in my mind or if there would be anyway to fix it. If no one else complains about it being confusing, then just ignore this particular comment, because it's probably just one of my quirks.
I really like this section. I think you found a great way to explain everything about these two characters and the relationship that they have to each other. But there were a few lines, that just seemed to bring up an entirely different subject for me, and almost detract from the main idea of this piece ("Only yesterday that you let your friends beat up my brother and take his money—and his dignity? EVEN THOUGH YOU KNEW THAT HE WAS AUTISTIC? EVEN THOUGH YOU’VE KNOWN HIM SINCE YOU WERE SEVEN YEARS OLD? EVEN THOUGH YOU KNEW HE WAS HELPLESS AND SENSITIVE AND MY BROTHER?!"). In my opinion, you could just delete it and not lose any of the power of it.
Other than that, I absolutely love that last line and the double meaning you imply, and I really enjoyed reading this.