Leja

You should try rewriting this without the rhyme scheme because it makes the rhythm a little strange. The rhyme becomes all I can concentrate on, rather than the actual content ...

I think... it's rather funny. But I don't know if I'm reading it correctly. I'm currently interpreting "save everyone" not as "help everyone" but as "except for everyone". If I'm ...

Reading this, I thought I should be almost more afraid than I was. It's this horrible situation, but everything happened almost emotionlessly. I think this comes from too much treatment ...

To begin with the first sentence, you might want to think of a different comparison than horses' hooves to thunder. Is that there because it's really what you've always thought ...

I thought it was funny in general, but I also thought the parts about shooting were unnecessary as they didn't relate at all to the books. This whole thing was ...

As Leo woke, there are nothing but pain. It coursed through his body, a sharp sting like a thousand serrated knives attacking him inside and out. The pain displaced all ...

You've described this world around you, now I want to know what makes it special. What gives it the "My" world from the title? If I stood in the same ...

In general, it was alright. But there were vague parts that I thought could be a little more specific: "Blinding my senses" Which senses are being blinded? How (I'm not ...

Some of the lines were a little too long to keep both the rhythm and the rhyme. Ex: "Softly, together, waiting for [s]the[/s] dark" and "These moments I shall strive ...

I'm not sure about the old man in the beginning: who he is, or what is his significance. And I'm not sure what "does enough shining" means. In the second ...

(you might want to run a spell check on this) The and/but thing didn't really work because it almost seemed like they were refuting each other, so were contradicting a ...

The repetition got old fast, especially because it ends up being a good third of the poem. What I liked was that this poem went somewhere: it began with (and ...

Ooh, I like the title. Content = loveliness. So I shall nitpick word choice ^_^ The rose turned yellow, then [Seems like an unnecessary word and almost makes this first ...

I found the one-word lines rather annoying and without purpose. Especially since there were alot of repeated words. And especially here: Truth is gone when did it leave us here ...

In anthropology, it's called a kerf-- the outline of a cut across bone before incision; a lie whose only cover is a disarticulated joint, ball-and-socket split, cracked ribs. I'm so ...