The Broken
-- Chapter One.
As Leo woke, there was nothing but pain. It coursed through his body, a sharp sting like a thousand serrated knives attacking him inside and out. The pain displaced all else: the world was gone, sound was gone, his body was gone; all that remained was that terrible agony that devoured the soul.
Then it too disappeared. And with its departure, the Universe reasserted itself, roaring back into existence with deafening silence. Like a wounded beast, Leo tried to raise his head, but it got no further than an inch from the ground before dropping again. He tried to call for help, but his voice was coarse and weak from endless screaming. He tried to clutch at himself for some measure of reassurance, but his arms only twitched in pitiful frailty.
Although the fine details in the scene before him were lost in the haze of his barely functioning eyesight, Leo registered, with a kind of cold detachment, that he was not in his bedroom. Nor was he in his house, nor any other building, rather, he lay sprawled outside, surrounded by swaying greenery and proud trees. The sunlight, filtered through the bright canopy of leaves above, felt comfortingly warm against his skin, whilst the broken twigs and tiny flecks of dirt beneath him made him itch. He could hear, but not see, a nearby stream, the water sloshing and splashing, playfully taunting Leo’s dry throat.
Now that the mysterious pain was completely gone, he noted that his mind was strangely clear, although he was all but unable to move. Paralysed like this, Leo could only delve deeper into his own imagination, and hope that someone would arrive, preferably soon, to help.
What in the name of hell had happened to him? Right then he should be in bed, groaning against the incessant beeping of an alarm clock urging him to get up for school, not writhing with pain in some unknown woodland. His memories prior to waking were scrambled and confused. He could remember various different instances and fragments of the previous day, but wasn’t sure what order they were meant to be in. And there were large, black gaps in his memory, patches of time he knew had passed, but hadn’t a clue as to what had happened during them. Presumably alcohol - or some other drug - was involved somewhere. Outside of that conclusion, Leo knew of nothing else that could possibly account for his current situation.
It was a rather curious deduction though: Leo took no illegal drugs, and had had no plans for drinking the previous night. How then could he have come into contact with either of them, unless the consumption had been outside of his consent?
Closing his eyes, he let out a quiet moan. The black of his closed eyelids was inviting. He wasn’t scared exactly, despite the circumstances, but he certainly felt uneasy. Perhaps sleep would help. Maybe, upon waking, he would find himself back in his own bedroom, muttering curses at his now yearned for alarm clock….
<><><>
Leo woke to the sound of the stream still warbling its tune. Wanting to delay the inevitable sight of the hopeless situation, he kept his eyes closed, and groaned.
Some small insect - a fly, or an ant, or some other such thing - crawled across his face, tickling him. Leo had flicked it away and scratched his nose before it dawned on him that he was able to move again. His eyes flashing open, revealing a now sharper picture of the world around him, he slid his arms across the dirt in experimentation. Then, carefully, with palms flat against the ground, he pushed himself to his knees, and then to his feet. He swayed as he stood, like a half drunk teenager. He still felt weak, and his arms and legs trembled unpleasantly, but he was mobile.
The stream behind him turned out to be wider and deeper than he had expected from the noise it made. Weeds and other plants grew all around it in uncontrolled disarray, spurting up from the water in mad competition for the resource. Leo stumbled towards it. Falling to his knees amongst some of the softer plants, he plunged his cupped hands into the cold water, drew them out again and took a quick sip of the water as it leaked between his fingers. There were many particles of dirt polluting it, but the coolness of the water more than made up for it. He lowered his mouth to the stream and drunk from it greedily, enjoying how it refreshed his dry throat.
Once he was done, he took a few steps backs, to take better note of his surroundings. It was only then that he realised he was naked. In mild disbelief, he stared down at himself.
What the hell?
Whatever Leo had got up to last night, he was paying for it now. How was he going to get home without his clothes? He’d be arrested before he even got to his house; and even if he did somehow manage to make his way home, how would he explain this to his parents?
Seriously. Damn.
But before he thought about what would happen upon his arriving home, there was the rather pressing problem of just where about he currently was. He turned slowly on the spot, his bare feet sliding across the dirt and weeds. As far as he could see, there were only trees and the river nearby, and no other landmarks. Leo knew of no such river near his home. ‘This sucks, oh so much,’ he muttered to himself. His voice was surprisingly croaky, although given that he hadn’t been able to talk at all earlier perhaps he should have expected that. Presumably his voice was still healing.
He looked up at the sky, where the sun burnt. He may well be naked, lost and alone, but at least it wasn’t cold. Slapping at his skin to knock off the worst of the dirt, Leo considered which direction to go. The smart thing to do, if TV had taught him anything, was to follow the river downstream. Sooner or later he’d come to a settlement, and from there he could … well, he could figure out what to do then once he got there.
Moving at a fast pace, eager to return home, he followed the river, careful to avoid the dense clumps of weeds. The thorns some of the plants supported looked rather vicious, and Leo had no intention of getting any closer to them than was needed. But regardless of how careful he was, there was no avoiding the fact that walking barefoot in woodland wasn’t an altogether smart idea. Small, hard bits of dirt, broken twigs, jagged stones, and various other such nuisances plagued every few footsteps. Leo had to stop walking to check and clean his feet twice after only fifteen minutes of walking.
It was just after the second stop, as Leo stood examining the rather lengthy thorn he had just yanked from the sole of his foot, that he heard voices. They wafted from a small distance away, the casual voices of strolling friends. It wasn’t quite possible to make out what was being said, but the tone seemed friendly enough. Unsure of what to do, Leo hesitated. How would these people react to a naked eighteen year old boy stumbling through woodland? Would they be able to help him? The voices were getting nearer.
He made up his mind. Cursing quietly, Leo crouched behind a particularly luscious bush. It was large enough to completely obscure sight of him, and if he were lucky he may even be able to catch a glimpse of the walkers through the small gaps that existed between some of the branches.
Footsteps could be heard now, clumsy footfalls that crunched twigs and foliage with ease. ‘Look,’ one of the voices was saying, ‘don’t misunderstand, I do respect your opinion, but there is no way Barbara is hotter than Janine; no possible way.’
‘You say that,’ said another voice, ‘but you really can rely on me as a reliable source: Barbara, minus her clothes, is like looking upon beauty itself. Nothing can top it.’
The first man scoffed. ‘Yeah, like you’ve seen Barbara naked.’
Leo peered through the bush, but couldn’t see either of the men. He could tell, though, that they were now just on the other side of it, no more than four or five feet away.
‘I assure you my friend, I totally have seen her in the nude, and it was hot.’
For a second, Leo was able to see, through a small gap in the leaves, the two men. It was only a glimpse, but it was long enough for Leo to make out the khaki uniforms they wore. They were soldiers! If they worked for the Government, then maybe, hopefully, they’d help him. That was, after all, their job.
Unless they simply arrested him, but Leo had been musing on that topic whilst he had walked, worried of what would happen if he was found by a policeman. He had come to the conclusion that he would be okay, as long as he explained his situation to them. After all, it wasn’t his fault.
He stood up. The two soldiers, who were now past Leo, continued their discussion, oblivious to him standing behind them. Shifting around the bush so that it would preserve his modesty for a little while longer, Leo called out to them. ‘Hello?’
The soldiers stopped walking as though they had just come into contact with an invisible wall. One of them still had a foot frozen in midair, waiting to be placed on the leafy ground. Leo nervously wetted his lips, wondering if he had made the wrong decision. As the soldiers spun around, whipping up their guns as they did so, he realised that yes, he had.
‘Hands in the air!’ one of them shouted.
Leo obliged. But even as he raised his hands, he surprised himself by not being all that afraid. He was nervous, most definitely, but he was not anywhere near to as terrified as he thought he would - and indeed, should - be.
‘Hi,’ said Leo again.
The soldiers peered at Leo from under their khaki helmets. Both seemed rather unsure of what to do, and neither said anything for a moment. Leo took the opportunity to add, ‘Look, I woke up near here and have no idea how to get home. Please, I need your help.’ He eyed the gun barrels as he spoke, not liking the fact that they had yet to be lowered. The cynical part of his mind - that is to say, the majority of it - flashed a warning in his mind’s eye: a newspaper heading that read, ‘BIRTHDAY SUIT TEEN BOY SHOT DEAD BY INCOMPETENT SOLDIERS’.
After a painful period of silence, one of them eventually said, ‘I suppose we’d best take this boy back to base.’ He left his partner’s side, who had only nodded mutely in agreement, and edged towards Leo, gun still trained on him. The unsure gaze remained in the soldier’s eyes. ‘Leave your hands where I can-’ he began, as Leo made to lower them. Then: ‘Cor, you’re naked.’
Leo looked down at his body, then back up at the solider. ‘Yes,’ he agreed. ‘Yes I am.’
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Opinions, anyone? All are welcome, the critical kind in particular. ^_^
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I really liked this piece, the main character is more of a narrator than actually involved in the story in my opinion but hell your the author and you can write it exactly as you want to, as long as its good. And this was great!! ^_^ Hooray to you!!!!!!!
Like that other person said, where's the pain coming from? Besides that, your description of the pain was beautiful . . . yes, I said it. There were a few grammatical errors: missed punctuation, fragments, etc. But, I think they've been pointed out already. The story itself was interesting . . . I found myself wondering if he's going to become a soldier himself.
That whole thing about Barbara was hilarious! Keep it up. I'm guessing that since I'm new to critiquing other poeple's stuff, there's not much pessimism I can offer, but don't worry. I'll be just like the rest of you in no time.
I really love how you catch the audience's attention in the beginning. The descriptions in the first couple of paragraphs were perfect- right amount, right tone right everything. But after that it drags a little and the description that first attracted the audience's attention starts to bore them.
I suggest you just tone it down a little. For example, the paragragh about the weeds and the thorns by the river. All that description was unnecessary.
Just remember that every line you write needs to link back to the main idea, a few descrptions here and there make it intersseting, but too much description just makes the reader put the book down.
Other than than i really like it. keep writing!!
Hope this helped.Just pm me if you need anything.
Nilou
You are very descriptive, in a good way. Reading that I could picture the setting and feeling. I do think Leo's calmness as a little unrealistic. I would think if someone were to wake up naked in the woods they would be very panicked. I think the conversation the soldiers were having seemed realistic. Soldiers talk about things other than battle.
Now that the mysterious pain was completely gone, he noted that his mind was strangely clear, although he was all but unable to move. Paralysed like this, Leo could only delve deeper into his own imagination, and hope that someone would arrive, preferably soon, to help.
You really hooked me with this peice never once did I wonder if it was any longer I loved it. You do everything exellent trickling the details in the only bother in Leo in kinda 2D in fact the soldiers were more realistic than him. It's an intresting premise. I can't wait to read more, I could read chapter two if i wish. You never bored the description was vibrant and alive. It didn't at all weigh this down.
Overall: Jono, no excuses I want you to post more and more and more. This is seriously amazing god. DON'T FORGET: POST MORE! WRITE MORE! That's how much I love it. I'm talking in caps. *stars*
Good luck
VSN
hey!! i really like your story!!! its a little strange but good. I personally liked your descriptions, while sombody said otherwise. keep it up, thought i should say that you should kinda slow it down and put some emotions in.I noticed in the verry begining, for some reason i didnt like the way you described pain, it sounded more emo than it should XD. But otherwise, good work!!
It's really good.
I'd read the next chapter if I find it, definitely. I found it amusing.
If it wasn't supposed to be amusing then your story gave off the wrong mood.
So I promised, so I critique!
And do forgive me if I repeat what has been said before -- I have limited time online today, so I didn't read all the reviews you've gotten already.
The pain displaced all else: the world was gone, sound was gone, his body was gone; all that remained was that terrible agony that devoured the soul.
Like a wounded beast, Leo tried to raise his head, but it got no further than an inch from the ground before dropping again. He tried to call for help, but his voice was coarse and weak from endless screaming. He tried to clutch at himself for some measure of reassurance, but his arms only twitched in pitiful frailty.
Nor was he in his house, nor any other building, rather, he lay sprawled outside, surrounded by swaying greenery and proud trees.
The sunlight, filtered through the bright canopy of leaves above, felt comfortingly warm against his skin, whilst the broken twigs and tiny flecks of dirt beneath him made him itch.
He wasn’t scared exactly, despite the circumstances, but he certainly felt uneasy.
He swayed as he stood, like a half drunk teenager.
Falling to his knees amongst some of the softer plants, he plunged his cupped hands into the cold water, drew them out again and took a quick sip of the water as it leaked between his fingers.
It was only then that he realised he was naked.
Seriously. Damn.
His voice was surprisingly croaky, although given that he hadn’t been able to talk at all earlier perhaps he should have expected that. Presumably his voice was still healing.
He looked up at the sky, where the sun burnt.
Sooner or later he’d come to a settlement, and from there he could … well, he could figure out what to do then once he got there.
Moving at a fast pace, eager to return home, he followed the river, careful to avoid the dense clumps of weeds. The thorns some of the plants supported looked rather vicious, and Leo had no intention of getting any closer to them than was needed.
But regardless of how careful he was, there was no avoiding the fact that walking barefoot in woodland wasn’t an altogether smart idea.
‘Yes I am.’
Small, hard bits of dirt, broken twigs, jagged stones, and various other such nuisances plagued every few footsteps.
PM me if you have any questions/comments!
Whoa, this is really really good. Strugglinh to criticise you. I would pay money to read this, try and get pulished!
Um, I think Leo needs to react to the situations around a little more, like how the other guys are talking about the girls, what does he think?
I really like your short paragraph break ups like teh what the hells, but I tnk they may fit in better with first person writing. Ever considered switching between the two? If done well, it can work really well.
Really really good, write more soon!!!
Louisa x
This was an intriguing first chapter. You use description very well.
However, in the first few paragraphs, you describe pain, but not the causer of it. In all honesty, my reaction to the pain was 'why should I care?' Yes, I feel sorry for them, but I wasn't really interested. Perhaps a small hint at the strangeness of the situation, where he doesn't know what is going on.
Also, it takes a while for the story to actually begin, because of the description. Then, when we actually meet the soldiers, we get very little description of them other than that they are wearing khaki uniform. Maybe you could up the description a little on the soldiers to meet with the rest of the story, identify them with simple physical characteristics.
Alternatively, you could tone down the description. You have so much of it that an entire story written that way would be stifling. However, after this chapter, to write the rest of the story less laden with description, would be out of balance. You need to find a middle ground. You have talent for description, you are just overusing it a little in this chapter.
Your dialogue was a little inconsistent. It was formal, then not. It read stiff and threw me out of the storyline. Amelia brings this up and has some tips, so I won't say any more.
Emotion, which BBB brought up, is a little lacking. You have the character swearing as they wonder what is going on, but other than that, there is little reaction. Sweating, dry mouth, trembling - all these are are characteristic of panicking. And I don't know about you, but if I were to find myself naked in the middle of nowhere, not knowing out I got there, I would be doing a bit of panicking.
Anyway, great story. Be proud of your description talent. *applause*
~GryphonFledgling
Really good. The only bad thing is that it took me 20 minutes to read this...break this up....good job anyways
Hehe. That was funny.
Well, I haven't read any of the other comments because I'm running a little short on time, but I want to say this:
THIS STORY ROCKS!
I loved it! From waking up nude to getting (almost) arrested, it was really great. I love the humor aspect that you included in here.
The descriptions were really good, but I feel that you only need to do one thing:
Emotions. Right now, your MC is kinda... there. Just there. He's lost, right? Wouldn't he be kinda freaked. He would be, "Ok, how in the world did I get here?" well, never mind. He did say that.
But whenever I'm lost, I start to panic. Make your MC have flaws. We don't like perfect characters!
But then again, this is only the first chapter, and there is plenty of room left to put emotion in.
So, sorry for this unhelpful crit. There just wasn't anything to... to... to crit!
BBB
there were a lot of things that i liked and disliked about this. first of all i think you are putting way too many commas, especially in the beginning. i tried reading through it the way you wrote it and i found myself pausing for the commas in awkward places so i had to start ignoring them.
also some of your word choice surprised me. in a good way. for instance when you describe the trees as "proud". i thought was was a really awesome and unique way to put it. and when you talked about the black behind his eyes as inviting. although it think you should say "blackness" instead of "black.
i also agree with some other people that you aren't getting to the point fast enough. believe me, i am all for the beginning of stories being ambiguous, but i think you went a little too far. maybe cut this first entry down and add some explanations in there.
thats all i have for now. i hope i havent discouraged you in any way.
I liked it. Drawn into the story. One thing, however, is that I'm sure your character has a sense of smell. if he didn't, I think you would've said so. You're character has five sense; use them all to immerse your reader.
But taht's all I can say. Well done, mate, well done!
Wow, this is a really good first chapter. It really drew me in, and I can't wait to read the next one! I loved the imaginary newspaper headline, and the soldier's conversation cracked me up. Your tone throughout the story was really great, it sounded original and fresh.
Almost all the critique I can think of has already been said... perhaps...
The smart thing to do, if TV had taught him anything, was to follow the river downstream. Sooner or later he’d come to a settlement, and from there he could … well, he could figure out what to do then once he got there.
I'll be honestly. I loved it. I didn't notice any spelling or grammer mistakes, but that might be because I skip over a few of those kinds of things unless I can't concentrate and force myself to read.
-whispers- I ask friends to read it roughly before doing a final copy. Much easier, since Word doesn't get all the mistakes.
But I loved it. I thought that in the beginning, you didn't need to restate that his memory was vague, but I don't see much harm in it still being there. Nice writing style by the way.
I like this, you have some lovely description and I really enjoyed reading it. I do have some suggestions though. First, try to use all five of the senses. You have sight and sound covered pretty well but what can he smell? Is it a place in the deep wilderness where there's that grassy scent to the air or is there the tinge of pollution – a city near by? And touch. Is it humid? Is it cold? Is he laying on grass, sand or soil. Is the ground damp with the morning dew? Then taste. You have the relief of the water but what about the grating of his throat as the particles of dirt go down. I don't know if you've ever tried drinking mountain water after a period of thirst but it's at both times pleasantly refreshing and painfully cold and grating. Especially if you drink it too much.
Another comment I'd like to make is over the pain. Where does it hurt? He makes a rather quick recovery which you might want to watch but also, where is he injured? And what does he look like? You seem to avoid character description when it could really add to your writing. Maybe have him glance in the water at his face. Notice a bruise or a cut or something. I think identity is very important in this piece and yet your persona is quite bland. He's calm and almost casual about the situation towards the end. Maybe have him more worried about his nudity, especially if he's the type to not drink and is worried about how his parents would react – I get the feeling he is well brought up. And he tried to remain behind the bush so you're presenting two very different characteristics – both modesty and indifference.
I like the discussion the two soldiers have but the thing about militant men is that you know they're part of he military, even when they're having casual conversations. They're alert, never quite relaxed, especially when on duty or in uniform and they march in harmony without even thinking. There should be the sound of two pairs of simultaneous footsteps, too controlled voices speaking. And yet at the same time you need them to be different. They need individual personalities. Perhaps have one speak more politely than the other.
Other than that, I have just a few small specific suggestions -
Sooner or later he’d come to a settlement, and from there he could … well, [No space between 'could' and the ellipse. It's like any other form of punctuation so use the same rules.] he could figure out what to do then once he got there.
Small, hard bits of dirt, broken twigs, jagged stones, and [No need for the comma before and.] various other such nuisances plagued every few footsteps.
It wasn’t quite possible to make out what was being said, [s]by[/s] but [Someone else pointed this out but I thought I'd make another note of it because you haven't changed it.] the tone seemed friendly enough.
‘BIRTHDAY SUIT TEEN BOY SHOT DEAD BY INCOMPETENT SOLDIERS’. [I don't think the full caps was necessary or that it added to the piece. Also, Newspapers don't write their headline sin full caps.]
Overall, I think you have a great start here and there's lots of potential but I'd like to see you do some work on the description and realness of this piece. Amelia mentioned that she couldn't work out the time period and I agree that you need to change that. It's important for your reader to be able to relate to not only the characters but also the scene.
Hope this helps and pm me with any questions,
Heather xx
wonderful wording and great descriptions they weren't too many or too little great job.
Good pacing; my usually fleeting interest was preserved the whole way through. Two suggestions:
1. Mention the weather of the place. This may help to solidify the mood.
2. Leo seems too simple. Bring your reader into his mind.
Thanks y'all for your reviews - they're all much appreciated. I'll be sure to check back on your advice when I come to edit this. ^_^
Work's finally begun on Chapter Two - I blame my Uni workload for the delay - and it should hopefully be posted up in a day or two.
First, my two cents (also known as ‘the only thing that bothered me reading through this’):
What in the name of hell had happened to him? Right then he should be in bed, groaning against the incessant beeping of an alarm clock urging him to get up for school, not writhing with pain in some unknown woodland. His memories prior to waking were scrambled and confused. He could remember various different instances and fragments of the previous day, but wasn’t sure what order they were meant to be in. And there were large, black gaps in his memory, patches of time he knew had passed, but hadn’t a clue as to what had happened during them. Presumably alcohol - or some other form of drug - was involved somewhere. Outside of that conclusion, Leo knew of nothing else that could possibly account for his current situation.
As Leo woke, there are nothing but pain. It coursed through his body, a sharp sting like a thousand serrated knives attacking him inside and out. The pain displaced all else: the world was gone, sound was gone, his body was gone; all that remained was that terrible agony that devoured the soul.
He could hear, but not see, a nearby stream, the water sloshing and splashing, playfully taunting Leo’s dry throat.
What in the name of hell had happened to him? Right then he should be in bed, groaning against the incessant beeping of an alarm clock urging him to get up for school, not writhing with pain in some unknown woodland.
It was a rather curious deduction though: Leo took no illegal drugs, and had had no plans for drinking the previous night.
Leo woke to the sound of the stream still warbling its tune.
Whatever Leo had got up to last night, he was paying for it now. How was he going to get home without his clothes? He’d be arrested before he even got to his house; and even if he did somehow manage to make his way home, how would he explain this to his parents?
But before he thought about what would happen upon his arriving home, there was the rather pressing problem of just where about he currently was.
Cursing quietly, Leo crouched behind a particularly luscious bush.
‘I assure you my friend, I totally have seen her in the nude, and it was hot.’
Leo looked down at his body, then back up at the solider. ‘Yes,’ he agreed. ‘Yes I am.’
Hi!
Firstly, I like this. It's very well laid out, the spelling and punctuation is spot-on (bar a few missing or changeable words- nothing big) and the story itself is interesting, and I'm eager to find out more. There's nothing huge here that I thought was horrible, and there are no huge bits that I thought you should change. There are, however, a few areas which I picked up on, that I thought could have been better. So:
The first few paragraphs are good. No problems there, just a few missing words to correct:
Nor was he in his house, nor any other building, rather, he lay sprawled outside, surrounded by swaying greenery and proud trees.
Now that the mysterious pain was completely gone, he noted that his mind was strangely clear, although he was all but unable to move.
Presumably alcohol - or some other form of drug - was involved somewhere.
Presumably alcohol - or some other drug - was involved somewhere.
It was a rather curious deduction though: Leo took no illegal drugs, and had had no plans for drinking the previous night. How then could he have come into contact with either of them, unless the consumption had been outside of his consent?
[...]spurting up from the water source in mad competition for the resource.
There were many particles of dirt polluting it[...]
The thorns some of the plants [s]supported[/s] sported looked rather vicious[...]
[s]by[/s] but the tone seemed friendly enough.
It was large enough to [s]completely[/s] obscure all/the sight of him[...]
Footsteps could be heard now, clumsy footfalls that crunched twigs and foliage with ease. ‘Look,’ one of the voices was saying, ‘don’t misunderstand, I do respect your opinion, but there is no way Barbara is hotter than Janine; no possible way.’
‘You say that,’ said another voice, ‘but you really can rely on me as a reliable source: Barbara, minus her clothes, is like looking upon beauty itself. Nothing can top it.’
The first man scoffed. ‘Yeah, like you’ve seen Barbara naked.’
Leo peered through the bush, but couldn’t see either of the men. He could tell, though, that they were now just on the other side of it, no more than four or five feet away.
‘I assure you my friend, I totally have seen her in the nude, and it was hot.’
‘don’t misunderstand, I do respect your opinion[...]' ‘Yeah, like you’ve seen Barbara naked.’
‘I assure you my friend, I totally have seen her in the nude, and it was hot.’
You're using too much description. It's hard to see your point because there's so much of it.
I also suggest that you break this post into two, that way you will get more crits. :D:D:D
I think it started off really well, you have quite an original storyline and the descriptions were effective. The only quibble I have is that your character is a little bit 2d but 8/10 for content.
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