Together, at last we drift...

by inky_libertine
  • November 11, 2007
  • Poetry
  • Dramatic
  • Old Poetry
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This is powerful although it took me a couple reads to fully digest it.

Something in the way you write seems vague but tells the story of a memory in vivid detail and colour, especially the last six lines not including the sentence in French. On second thought, after clarifying what the words of French meant - I'll include that line. I particularly love the part where you use the "laughed as children often do
moments after it is too late to take it back." It's been a while since I've heard reference to the moments when people laugh only to realize it's the wrong thing to do & that was a sure way to end it defiantly. "I will always remember" - Was a nice touch as some things just sound better in French.

It seems with the lack of critiques that not everyone can accept your poetry, as in my opinion it has a fresh, under used feel to it. Keep it up.

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Leja
Review
Leja wrote a review · Sun Nov 11, 2007 4:19 am

In anthropology, it's called a kerf--
the outline of a cut
across bone before incision; a lie

whose only cover is a disarticulated joint,
ball-and-socket split, cracked ribs.


I'm so lost already, but I think especially somewhere around the italicized part.

Without receipts,
there is no way to breathe in the caption
of your name, the fine-print on my existence,


I'm not sure the caption comparison holds; but maybe that's just because it's an ~embodiment of the other person contrasted with the previous effect. And "existance" is such a vague word. Though I don't know what other word you could use instead.

You said Something's gone
wrong for someone, and I laughed as children often do
moments after it is too late to take it back.


Nice. And I even like it as an ending.



Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein.
— H. Jackson Brown