Published October 29, 2007
And he won't look
But he won't care
And she will never agian pray
And she can't move
But she can't stay
And he just trys to get away
It's stuck in time
It's in the past
When life was short
And love did last
When hearts grew found
How she was weak
And he than looked
Cause he than cared
And she for love always did pray
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141,399 Literary Works • 674,387 Reviews
(you might want to run a spell check on this)
The and/but thing didn't really work because it almost seemed like they were refuting each other, so were contradicting a contradiction, etc. Beginning lines/sentences with "and" can be useful, but only if used sparingly. Otherwise it sounds like you're running out of air. I realize that the title is "And..." but still, such techniques could be used a little more delicately.
The rhyming here is inconsistant and as such, should be eliminated. I can't find a general direction? Nothing connects enough for me to understand. Though maybe that's because of the forced rhyming. The last few lines especially didn't make much sense to me.
honestly this was hard to read. starting it out with the word " And" confused me.
the content was excellent, i think it just needs to be formatted differently. breaking it up makes it alot easier to read. also check your spelling, there are a few errors there.
kim
Your rhythm wasn't very strong, nor were you rhymes(sp?), but that can be okay sometimes. I thought it sounded more like a song verse than a poem stanza. Granted poems and lyrics go hand in hand, so it could probably go either way.
MERRY WRITING!
~Bella~
I know I've said this before, but please refrain from what we call the "grocery list" form. Don't list things, poetically express them.
Best of luck,
-Evang.
hello
what i read there was trying to bounce
i could feel where it was trying to go but it didnt quite make it for some reason
i can only suggest this was because you were trying to write about two people in a fast paced one person motion
its good dont get me wrong i liked it
but i think it needs clarity, my advise would definetly be; take it back to the writing board and try working from one persons POV rather than two
maybe it will glide as intended, maybe it wont
good work
Hi! Welcome to YWS! I see that you're new here, and it's nice that you've done some reviews before posting your own work, so kudos to you on that! *doffs cap*
This poem, first off, lacked spelling. You definitely had a rhythm going, though it was a bit shaky. I'd suggest before you post that you double check, triple check, and million time check your work! People are turned off by bunches of spelling erros, especially if they are simple ones. It didn't bother me, but just for future reference, you might want to check that.
As for content, it didn't really do anything for me. You lost me within the first few lines because it just repeated itself over and over that she's "praying for love." Don't be afraid to use some imagery! You have to make people care and want to read your work. Show some emotion! Perhaps you could try writing it from just one of their viewpoints? Also, have some type of story in there. Don't just state facts. Remember, show, not tell.
Nice job, and best of luck!
Wiggy