When the old man does enough shining-
a young lady, so black in her dress,
covers my roof outside.
Diamonds, or shiny things brightly
dot her, circling and moving
in a wave of eternity.
And those crescents, those gray eyes
stare right back, watching over me
as I count sheep.
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Canary word: Present
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I'm not sure about the old man in the beginning: who he is, or what is his significance. And I'm not sure what "does enough shining" means.
In the second stanza, "shiny things" sounds too much like common, indescript language to fit with the rest of the pretty words. Also in this stanza, "a wave of eternity" is indescript and seems like taking the easy way out of description
Third stanza: where did the "me" come from? It's especially confusing because of the old man in the beginning; is the "me" supposed to be the old man?
All in all, it's a nice little poem that has a pretty style, there was just too much in here that I couldn't understand which kept me from appreciating it as a whole.
I really like this, especially the second verse.