KJ

While I like the idea you've got going here - with some development, this could be pretty good - there are areas where there is lacking. You need more commas, ...

I liked it :) There were some punctuation mistakes that I noticed, but if you just reread (which you're supposed to do before posting) then I'm sure you'll catch them. ...

Too many semi-colons, first off. But the main thing that caught my attention was how human-like these otters are, and that didn't seem like what you would want. These are ...

Did you mean to capitalize "IT"? Because if so, I think you should just Italicize instead, to punctuate. Now the only thing I found wrong or off, really, is this: ...

While this was interesting, I want to point out that the dialogue is way too melodramatic. It may be what you think fits your time and setting and all that, ...

I really have no critiques on this, but rather a few strong opinions. And I will just apologize in advance if this sounds harsh - I'm in a hurry. This ...

The three of us, Adam, Landon, and myself were in the “turning room” [Comma] as we so solemnly nickname it. Adam sat down in the chair and we bound him ...

She put on an extra spurt of speed. This was all I found that no one else mentioned, I don't think. It's just awkward, the whole "put on" phrase. How ...

This was quite short, and I was only able to find a couple things: How could someone this beautiful be so evil? This seems to me like it has been ...

Hello, my friend. Two things, and they're both about the title. One, Fire and Ice is really name of the troll story in my portfolio - Sweat and Ice - ...

Beams of light struck out backsides and made our shirts cling to us like a second skin. "Struck out" is weird wording combined with the rest. Rework. Her accent was ...

Just stating my opinion here, despite the fact that this isn't a group discussion. Stephenie Meyer is like the rest of the world: Human. She's not perfect, and okay, she's ...

What, uh, was this? Wasn't the title of the post Chapter One? This wasn't a chapter. It wasn't much of anything, actually. I'm not trying to be mean, so if ...

While I think this has a lot of potential, it doesn't seem like a beginning of a story, if that's what you're going for. The last line seemed out of ...

My nitpicks: Oh, if I only could turn back time and undo moments that I later regretted. This is a little too melodramatic, especially for a beginning. I would cut ...