Salem, Massachusetts
November 5, 1692
Branches whipped her face, arms and legs as she ran. The roughened, moss covered bark bit into her exposed skin and cut through fabric of her dress when she ran too close to the trees. Twigs were catching in her hair. Shadows from the swaying bows skirted around her as she ran, like desperate hands trying to her drag her down with their claws.
“Witch!” they screamed. Glancing back she saw the bright, bobbling torchlight. She put on an extra spurt of speed.
Her breathing grew ragged. It seemed as though she had been running for hours. In reality, it had only been minutes. Frantic sobs erupted from her mouth. She didn't want to die.
Liona knew she could not last much longer.
Her tears blinded her. Stumbling over a fallen branch, she put her hand down to catch her fall. Her palm scraped and warm blood trickled from her wound. As the howling behind her grew closer, she misplaced her foot, twisting her ankle. She crumpled to the ground.
The torchlight came closer and filled her with desperate strength. Using her arms, she dragged herself into the shadows of a great oak tree. She tried to conceal herself in the shadows, but it was futile. Her white dress stood out like a flickering candle.
Sobbing, she slumped against the tree. However, she didn't come to rest against the base of the tree, but kept falling. Hitting the cold uncaring ground with a grunt, she looked around with surprise. Noticing that the tree was hollow, she searched for a hole. Her hands went through a space, and the rest of her followed soon after.
She smelled the damp earth and could hear every heartbeat as she heard the threatening footsteps grow closer. Even though she knew that they couldn't see her, she flinched every time they screamed that they found her. It was a common tactic used in finding fugitives.
The villagers roared past, like animals searching for their prey. She let out a sigh of relief. She was out of danger, at least, until morning. They would continue to search until just before midnight, and then start again at dawn. Keeping this is mind; she cleared the weeds in her tiny hole and stacked them carefully in front of the entrance.
When she was satisfied that she wasn't visible, she curled up into a little ball. Liona fell asleep, listening to nature’s lullaby.
****
Familiar, frustrated voices woke her the next morning.
“I told you she was a witch!” one villager said.
Others agreed, “I saw her, it was around midnight, you know witch’s hour. She just disappeared, right into the night!”
The pack of villagers moved away. Liona chanced a peek out of the cracks in the tree. She saw Elizabelle, her once best friend, searching for her. She also noticed that her two older twin brothers, Jarent and Rellio were there. Tears threatened to overflow. All of them had grown up with her.
“I never would have guessed that Liona was a witch. She was always so nice and caring. Mother told me not to be around her anymore. I wish that it wasn’t her,” Elizabelle started crying, and Liona turned her head.
Jarent patted her back. “I miss her too. Liona could never have been a bad witch, she was nice to everyone. I don’t see why they send us out here. They can’t help that they are born that way. I’d help her if I could.”
Rellio cuffed them across the head. “Talk like that will get us hung. Just get over the fact that Liona is wanted dead and anyone showing sympathy will be in the same boat she’s in. Let’s go.”
As they walked away, Liona resisted the urge to jump out and follow them. She knew that it would be useless, and they would be in the same danger she was. Anyone that harbored or helped a witch was as guilty as the witch herself. Instead, she let the tears pour. She stared at the ancient bark that harbored her here safely.
Standing up, she observed her hide away. The hole was just big enough for her to stand up in. Roots twisted in and out of the bark. Leaves that had blown in from previous winds rested on the floor in a thin layer. Stretching her hands out, she noticed that her palms rested on each side. It was cramped.
To add to her misery, her stomach started to ache. She hadn’t eaten since yesterday morning. Feeling that things couldn't get any worse, she reflected on the day she was caught.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,172 Literary Works • 673,034 Reviews
Hmmm... Can't figure out what it is. Maybe a little more character description. As I say, "Do they like waffles? Are they mentally sound? If you took more than 3 seconds for each then you haven't thought up enough about them."
Pretty good, but work a little harder on developing a character description.
The Salem Witch Trials. Interesting, its a time that I have studied into.
Nice way to open the story. It immediately caught my attention and holds it. I can only find one mistake however. It should have a comma after arms in the opening sentance.
An extra spurt of speed sounds, well, not flowing with everything else. Maybe an extra burst of speed, or she quickened her pace.
I'm sitting on the edge of the seat wondering whats about to happen next. I can't wait.
I like the effect of this being here. But if this sentance is going to be here, I would suggest that you take out the sentance before it. Its basically saying the same thing.
Her is used alot. It gets really repetitive and I would suggest you vary your sentance structure a little more here. Here you should replace the word crumpled with something else. Maybe collapsed, or something along those lines.
I like the comparison between the white dress and a flickering candle. Although, I don't seeing anyone dragging themselves by just their arms going over trr trunks and whatever else is on a forest floor.
Tree is repeated over and over here. You can use it.
I think that you should take out the last sentance in this paragraph. It doesn't reallly fit there.
Can't see anything wrong here. Except that you use alot of telling. Use some more showing.
I like the natures lullaby there.
****
I don't like this part, this dialogue in the story. It's not very realistic.
I'm waiting for the next part. You build up alot of excitement in this part and please keep it going. I'm on the edge of my seat and can't wait. Overall though I think that maybe you can use some different diction and that you vary your sentance structure. Good luck with your writing.
Thanks!
This was all I found that no one else mentioned, I don't think. It's just awkward, the whole "put on" phrase. How about something like, In one last, final attempt, she ducked her head down and ran harder in an extra spurt of speed.
All in all, it's a good beginning. I like it. You have some good dialogue, you've introduced some interesting-sounding characters, and the plot is beginning already.
Only thing I would work on is setting. Is it cold? Is it frighteningly dark? Do the trees seem like intimidating, frowning shadows? Just a few examples of what you could do with this.
And that's it. Keep writing.
KJ
Wow. And that's an under statement.
Anyway, in addition to that it's perfect, everyone else - 21 people...I think that must end up in the Genus Book of World Records - has already pointed out as much as humanly possible. it was a great beginning, looking forward to part two!
I really enjoyed reading this! The emotions were so real and I could really visualize your writing!
First chapters are the hardest. Keep writing!
I love the Secret Circle books. Thanks for the reviews, they really helped. I have just now wrote chapter two if you want to keep reading.
Sorry there isnt' much to critique, but it seems as though everyone has pointed everything out! I really like the idea of the Salem Witch Trials. It's rather ironic since I just finished reading a book about them called The Secret Circle! Well, I hope you write more of this; it's rather interesting! Keep going!
Thanks for the reviews.
Nice. Very well done and nicely written. It's very easy to sympathize with Liona. I felt very bad for her at the last part as she described her hunger. I really like food, so it makes me sad...
It was also easy to picture where she was and who she was running from. I think your descriptions are amazing. You also captured the emotional side expertly. I would definitley read part 2.
One thing, I notice that you tend to use a lot of pronouns. There are a lot of sentences that begin with she. Repetition can get really annoying, so try to tone that down a little.
It makes me mad that the villagers are chasing her because they think she is a witch without any proof, especially her friends and family. I hope she IS a real witch, so then she can have her revenge!
...Sorry, I tend to have an evil nature.
So, anyways. Great story. It really hooked me, though I'm usually more attracted to comical fantasy, this one was surprisingly intriguing. Normally I'm not a fan of sad stories, but I foresee potential in Liona that she won't take any crap from anyone anymore. At least, I hope so.
PM me when you put up the next one.
Ciao baby,
Dreamworx95,
XOXO
Wow, this is really good beginning. I have to admit that I am intrigued. Where are you planning to go with this? I'd love to hear more.
On another note, just a little constructive criticism:
Some of your sentences are too short, and some of them are too long. Try separating some or conjoining others. It makes all the difference.
A bit too long. Why not;
The roughened, moss covered bark bit into her exposed skin and cut through the fabric of her dress when she ran too close.
A bit too short. What about;
Twigs were catching in her hair, tearing thick strands of her ______ coloured hair from the roots.
Short/long mix.
Her breathing grew ragged, and the air scrapped against the dry planes of her throat. She felt as if she had been running for hours, even though it had only been minutes. Frantic sobs erupted from her throat and twined with the uproar behind her. She didn’t want to die.
I’m not too fond of this paragraph. It just seems like everything. Is. Like. This.
She. Ran. Faster. They. Caught. Up.
Try:
Her tears blinded her, blurring her sights of the dark forest bed. Instinctively she put her hand down to catch her fall as she stumbled over a fallen branch. The branch scraped her palm, allowing warm blood to trickle from her wound.
She tore a shard of her mangled dress and wrapped it around the wound. The ____ fabric turned to red as the blood oozed through. Hearing the howling behind her grow closer, she scrambled to get up. Misplacing her footing, she twisted her ankle and crumpled to the ground. Trying to ignore the pain roaring in her ankle, she scrambled up and hobbled away from her approaching demise.
Good luck! Pm me if you continue .
I will take you up on that offer.
Okay then. I'll stop asking in that case.
Let me know when you've posted more of this.
You'll see. My masterpiece is in the works. It will take time.
Getting better all the time.
A little nit pick:
You mention they have passed once. You can delete the "after they passed" because it's obvious they already have.
I really like the atmosphere here. You never flat out mention it's night, but the way things are discribed brings a picture to your head that it's dark out.
I will ask you this until I get an answer: Why is this Fantasy Fiction? My reasoning is: If she has magic, why doesn't she use it to get away?
Keep up the good work!
*edited*
I'm back!
Almost the same word twice. Delete "lulling"
It's her brother. She'd recognize his voice. Who is agreeing and who is talking? And, the turn around is too quick. They go from hating her to loving her.
Do her older brothers have names?
With the mention of her brothers, this line becomes redundant.
No mention that they were twin older brothers. I don't think popped is the right word. Try "cuffed."
When would they be in the same danger she was?
"Way" makes this line read as modern. Delete it.
There are others out there? If not, replace villagers with something else.
I like this a bit better. The atmosphere is there, and details are discribed more. It's still not very choppy near the end (of the first part), but it's better.
I will ask you again: Why is this in Fantasy Fiction? A real setting, no mention of magic other then witches, and no sign as to why she's accused. This looks like a Historical novel.
Wouldn't she run into a tree if she looked back?
I like this.
I wouln't put a space between these two paragraphs, it...well it doesn't make sense.
Again I like this, but could you pu tmore detail, like did the tree look like inside?
A little catchy, but good.
I like this, but details a would be good. Try to describe what they look like.
Yes! I like the ending.
----Now to the real review....
Over all, I liked it, but I think a few more details would help the reader get a closer look. It caught my attention, and held it. Let me know when you post the rest!
Thanks!
Hello, it appears you are to be my victim for the day *mwahahahahahaha* lol
Kidding.
Okay *cracks knuckles*
There is a lot of potential for this piece, if you expand on the details. You gave us some, scattered here and there, but not enough for us to really sink our teeth in. For a prologue, this is a wee bit short - and if it needs to be kept short then really amplify what you do give us to maximize it's effect.
I disagree with the recommendations for giving us details about her history - that's not hte point of the prologue. However, it is crucial to paint a clear a picture as possible. We don't need to know the who, what, when, where, why just yet.
But you definately need to expand your description. Here's a key example.
it's a good start - but it could use so much more. You're relying on one single scentence to say it all and then you bounce to the next thing.
Here's my version:
See what I mean? Hope this helps!
Two things should inform you on why they are calling her a witch:
Salem, Massachuetts
November 5, 1692
This is the time of the Salem Witch Trials. When witches are caught, they are hung.
Her history will be explained later.
Thanks, for the review. I will definately edit this, this is my first draft. It is really appriciated. Thanks again for the review.
Hey Kaylyn.
Are you able to integrate these two descriptions together somehow? Right now, they seem rather detached from the narrative and do not connect together well. And can you be clearer about the "ran blindly" bit? (i.e: Was she literally blind or just running desperately?).
Can you be a little more specific here?
You've already said "behind her" twice. You do not need to repeat that.
Has she really been running for hours though?
There doesn't seem to be any suspense here when she was hiding. This is because firstly, the change in her feelings is way too sudden, and secondly, she doesn't even make an effort to ensure that she's safe. Doesn't the main character wonder if she'll get caught? Doesn't she check to see if she's still in danger?
Overall impressions:
To improve this piece, you have to consider more of the character's feelings, thoughts and the plot itself. Here are some questions for thought:
-Why is the character scared of getting caught?
-What is the character's thoughts of being labelled a witch? To what extent do you think that it's right to automatically label a person as a witch without concrete evidence? ( Think deeply, there are actually positives for this as well as negative points).
-Why was the mob hunting her down? (I am not going to accept the answer that it's because she's a witch, I want to know the exact reasons why witches were trialed).
-What is their society like and how does it function?
-Why is the character crying?
Be wary of repetition in your writing. You've repeated the idea that she was running blindly and that she's cut (injured). Try to vary the chase sequence more.
Good luck Kaylyn. This has potential, but you need to add more details to it. It's better to actually add more details into the piece so that reviewers have more to work with (even if it's told, not shown).
Andy.
You've got some lovely description here, but I'd like to see a little bit more suspense, plot and character development. Yes, it is the opening scene, but you need to capture your reader's interest instantly. Why is she running? Why are they calling her a witch? Is there any way you can give us a little background? Not too much, obviously, but just enough to make us really care about Liona.
Hope that helped.
~Sunny
First off, it sounds really interesting. Really drew me in.
Lodge seems an odd word to use. (at least to me)
It might flow better if you said some thing along the lines of "She misplaced her foot, twisting her ankle."
Again, you could lose the and.
You dont really need came.
A few other places you could lose 'and' to make it flow better.
The suspense really drew me in, great job on that!
(Sorry if none of this helps, first review ever.)
The comma after "arms" isn't needed; "heighted" is spelled "heightened"; What time of day is this? I'd think it's night, but there is no indication in the chapter.
The proper noun isn't needed. You've mentioned the name recently and it was a short time ago
There are a lot of compound sentences in here. A general rule is if you want to show panic, chop up the sentences.
Something's strange about the "Most likely kill her." at the end. It doesn't really tie into anything. Try adding a word or two to make it fit.
This sentence is doing a lot of work. Break it up.
You've used "in" twice in four words. Try "inside" instead of the second "in."
"After they passed" is redundent.
The story line looks good, although my first thought after finishing this was it should be in Historical Fiction, not fantasy. The plight of Liona is visible in the choppy discription and short paragraphs, but it wasn't quite enough to grab me. Try chopping up the sentences to show panic.
Hey, this is really good. What a surprise. JK
But, this can turn into a really great story if you keep up the suspence and if the plot stays on the right track. I can't see anything wrong with what you have posted so far, so I'll just say good job and keep writing!