PREFACE. - THE INNOCENT RIVAL.
Even in the specified circumstances, where the result was fairly clear, I couldn't help but be scared.
The figure that emerged gracefully from the shadows was outlined in midnight black silk. The only sound was the snap of her stiletto heels against the concrete floor. Her hood was up, hiding her flawless features, but locks of her golden hair escaped from the darkness. She stepped into a ray of light, and I became aware of the long wooden staff that she held in her right hand. On the end was a long, crescent shaped blade that glittered like a mirror.
It wasn't a staff, it was a scythe.
She stopped about ten feet from me, her black eyes penetrating into my face. For a moment, she looked angelic. The way her face was perfectly reserved, showing no emotions whatsoever, looked as beautiful as an ancient Greek carving. Her posture, too, was beautiful; more perfected than a ballerina, and even more striking than a model. The way her shining curls were hanging gently past her chin was enough to full me. How could someone this beautiful be so evil?
She raised the scythe above her tiny figure, and her perfect lips turned up into a vicious grin. That's when I knew she was far from angelic. I was looking into the eyes of death.
Literally.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Wow. In two pieces your style is very clear and distinct. Congratulations!
I agree with KJ, but I've also found a couple other things:
What are the circumstances? What result? A good hook if asking questions was this line's intention, but I feel some background is needed for this. If you give it in chapter 1, wonderful.
You said that her hood was up, hiding her face, and no mention is made of her lowering her hood. This paragraph is wonderful imagery, but it's not mentioned how the MC knows what this character looks like. Also, "full" should be "fool." Another question: the MC was fooled? How?
All in all, this feels more like an excerpt then a prologue. She knows her circumstances, she knows her opponent and there seems to be a simply complex history that leads up to this. If that line made any sense. Let me try again:
A prologue, to me, is something that gives a snippet of background information that drives the story at one point or another. This seems to be near the end of a story (a very good end, by the way), not background fill-in-the-blank.
Very intriguing idea all in all. PM me when more is up!
This was quite short, and I was only able to find a couple things:
This seems to me like it has been used so many times - too many. A little cliche. Try mixing things up a little, use a synonym for the world evil, if you don't want to change this too much.
Your MC already knew that, right?
Otherwise everyting looked good. A little more setting would be good, and the sentence structure could use some varying. Might want to look into those
Good luck with your writing,
KJ