She looks about her with intense, dark eyes. They miss nothing; not a frog sunning itself, not a salamander that slides under a rock. Her chocolate fur bristles.
She is a river otter; her name is Lutra.
****
Her brother, Seeq, greets her with a lick between the ears.
She remembers, bittersweet, the first time they shared such a greeting. Mother had gone hunting. They waited hours; then suddenly, a loud thunderclap shattered the silence.
She jumped, and the little ones squirmed beside her.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I agree with KJ. There's too many "they this" and "they that". Show don't tell.
I liked the beginning though. Nice description though just an afterthought: how can your fur bristle yet be standing perfectly still? When I think of fur bristling, I still think of the whole body moving too not just the fur. But that's just me I think so I'll carry on.
This is also just my suggestion, but why give away what the thunderclap is? Why not keep your reader curious...and reveal it later of course.
Same verdict as KJ on that this doesn't really have a plot...so that's all I can say.
- JC
Too many semi-colons, first off. But the main thing that caught my attention was how human-like these otters are, and that didn't seem like what you would want. These are animals, raw, instinct, survival. They shouldn't be so weepy and emotional, you know?
Now second, this little piece was all over the place. All telling, also. This was what it was like. This is what happened. This is how they did it. And so on. Make it a story, and be sure that everything happens in UNDERSTANDABLE order. Doesn't have to be from the beginning to the end, you can hop around a little, but we as readers need to be able to know where you're going.
That's all I can really say on this. There's no plot yet, only a tidbit of introduction. This would be riveting if there was a hint of threat or at least the beginnings of development. As it is, it is merely narrative.
Good luck with editing/writing,
KJ