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Young Writers Society



Broken Vow / Preface

by ashleylee


This is something that I've wanted to try for a while now. I want to write a story from many different views. Of course, there is going to be two main characters, but the rest are also very important. Yes, there is going to be a big factor of romance in this, but there is going to be others included in this that don't follow the romance aspect of it. Just so you know :wink:

I decided to do a Preface, just because I don't really know how to start it. If you have any ideas ono how to start it now using a Preface, it would be greatly appreciated.

Also, this is thirty years after my story takes place, this Preface is.

Happy Reading :D

_______________________

Preface

"…Tell me the words I never said

Show me the tears you never shed…"

- Broken Vow, By: Josh Groban

Michael:

Looking back on my life, I know that there are things that I would have done differently; things that I would have left unsaid if I could only change the past. Oh, if I only could turn back time and undo moments that I later regretted. It’s all that has been on my mind as of late. I can’t think of anything else.

It’s strange how at the end, I start to think of the beginning. Most people normally do. It’s like I’m trying to reason with myself about everything that I have accomplished, or not accomplished. As if I can somehow ease my mind by saying that, Yes, I did all that I could have done. But I know that’s completely false, a lie told to somehow make things better.

I could have done more, or said more. I could have reached out to more people, to maybe help alleviate the pain that they were been going through. But I was selfish. I lived my life how I wanted to live it. I did everything I could so that I was happy while the others around me suffered.

It shouldn’t have been such a shock. I mean, I should have gotten the hint when even my own parents didn’t come to visit me in the hospital once I was diagnosed. I should have listened to that inner voice, telling me repeatedly to be nicer to others, to listen more.

I ignored it, of course, and now, here I sit.

Alone and unloved.

But I don’t seek pity, or compassion. I only seek the peace that I need for my life to come to an end. Until then, I will always be restless.

I try to come up with some explanation to where it all went wrong. To where I started loosing my family, my friends, until I was just a shell of who I used to be.

That’s when I picture her face. She comes as easily as if I think of her often—which I don’t. I don’t think I have thought of her in over twenty years. But her face rises to the surface of my memories like a forgotten piece of a scattered puzzle.

Her name slips from my lips like a blessing bestowed upon me in my youth. She was my token of good luck, my trophy for people to be jealous of.

Leeann…

It had all started way back in high school. Then, everything seemed easy. My biggest worries were whether or not I could make varsity basketball, or if I would ace my next Biology test. I had a family then, and a group of friends. We had been like a huge clan, all of us together since middle school.

I remember the day she arrived. My best friend, Aaron, and I were at the outdoor courts, shooting hoops, when I saw her walk across the parking lot. She was new, that much was obvious. It wasn’t often that you saw a girl like that in a such a small town as this.

Aaron reacted the same way. Both of us just stood there, openly staring like a bunch of morons that we were back then. She had caught us, and paused on her way into the building. But instead of being like most girls, and blowing us off, she flashed us an easy smile, and changed direction to where we stood.

The closer she got, the more I felt my stomach drop until it was gone altogether. Aaron looked worse, his cheeks brightening until they shone like a pair of ripe apples beneath the summer sun.

But she was sweet, asking us where she could find the office, since the high school was made up of four separate buildings. Lucky she had asked us, for she had been ready to enter the sports building.

We fixed her directions, and pointed her in the direction of the main building. She thanked us both, but not before we exchanged names. Leeann. I didn’t know one girl named Leeann. I think her name just added to the mysterious air she carried around her.

From that day forth, she was all that I thought about. She ended up being in all of Rochelle’s classes and they became close friends. Eventually, Leeann was apart of the clan, Rochelle inviting her in. We welcomed her with open arms.

After that, it all seemed to fall into place. We started dating, and planned to stay together forever.

Or so we thought.

It was December 20, 1978.

The day that everything just fell apart…


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Wed Dec 10, 2008 12:59 am
ashleylee says...



Night Mistress:

I'm glad you liked this so much :D

I'm happy to know that I still can write a decent story!

Thanks for taking the time to read this!

CastlesInTheSky:

Gosh, aren't you a helpful one? :D Your review was greatly appreciated!

Thanks so much!

Angel of Death:

Ah, my loyal reader. :D It means a lot that you took the time to read this.

Thank you bunches for reading!

KJ:

I know. I should have learned by now to actually work on fixing it myself before I post it on here. I just have a really bad habit of that. But I'll work on improving that :wink:

Thanks for reading!

Scasha:

Hey! It's good to see you back! :wink:

And thank you so much for the helpful review! Means a lot!

To everyone above:

I just want to thank you all again for reading! It helps so much when you guys post and critique! Thanks to all!




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Mon Dec 08, 2008 6:31 pm
scasha wrote a review...



Hey Ashley! I'm back to review another one of your brilliant pieces! Let's see what you've got!

ashleylee wrote:This is something that I've wanted to try for a while now. I want to write a story from many different views. Of course, there is going to be two main characters, but the rest are also very important. Yes, there is going to be a big factor of romance in this, but there is going to be others included in this that don't follow the romance aspect of it. Just so you know :wink:

I decided to do a Preface, just because I don't really know how to start it. If you have any ideas ono how to start it now using a Preface, it would be greatly appreciated.

Also, this is thirty years after my story takes place, this Preface is.

Happy Reading :D

_______________________

Preface

"…Tell me the words I never said
Show me the tears you never shed…"

- Broken Vow, By: Josh Groban
I like the quote :-)

Michael:

Looking back on my life, I know that there are things that I would have done differently; words [s]things[/s] that I would have left unsaid [s]if I could only change the past[/s]. Oh, if I only could turn back time and undo moments that I later regretted. It’s all that has been on my mind as of late. I can’t think of anything else.
It’s strange how at the end, I start to think of the beginning. Most people normally do. It’s like I’m trying to reason with myself about everything that I have accomplished, or not accomplished. As if I can somehow ease my mind by saying that, Yes, I did all that I could have done. But I know that’s completely false, a lie told to somehow make things better.
I could have done more, or said more. I could have reached out to more people, to maybe help alleviate the pain that they were been going through. But I was selfish. I lived my life how I wanted to live it. I did everything I could so that I was happy while the others around me suffered.
It shouldn’t have been such a shock. I mean, I should have gotten the hint when even my own parents didn’t come to visit me in the hospital once I was diagnosed. I should have listened to that inner voice, telling me repeatedly to be nicer to others, to listen more.
I ignored it, of course, and now, here I sit.
Alone and unloved.
But I don’t seek pity, or compassion. I only seek the peace that I need for my life to come to an end. Until then, I will always be restless.
I try to come up with some explanation to where it all went wrong. To where I started loosing my family, my friends, until I was just a shell of who I used to be.
That’s when I picture her face. She comes as easily as if I think of her often—which I don’t. I don’t think I have thought of her in over twenty years. But her face rises to the surface of my memories like a forgotten piece of a scattered puzzle. Love the metaphor
Her name slips from my lips like a blessing bestowed upon me in my youth. She was my token of good luck, my trophy for people to be jealous of.
Leeann…
[s]It had all started way back in high school. Then, everything seemed easy. My biggest worries were whether or not I could make varsity basketball, or if I would ace my next Biology test. I had a family then, and a group of friends. We had been like a huge clan, all of us together since middle school.
I remember the day she arrived. My best friend, Aaron, and I were at the outdoor courts, shooting hoops, when I saw her walk across the parking lot. She was new, that much was obvious. It wasn’t often that you saw a girl like that in a such a small town as this.
Aaron reacted the same way. Both of us just stood there, openly staring like a bunch of morons that we were back then. She had caught us, and paused on her way into the building. But instead of being like most girls, and blowing us off, she flashed us an easy smile, and changed direction to where we stood.
The closer she got, the more I felt my stomach drop until it was gone altogether. Aaron looked worse, his cheeks brightening until they shone like a pair of ripe apples beneath the summer sun.
But she was sweet, asking us where she could find the office, since the high school was made up of four separate buildings. Lucky she had asked us, for she had been ready to enter the sports building.
We fixed her directions, and pointed her in the direction of the main building. She thanked us both, but not before we exchanged names. Leeann. I didn’t know one girl named Leeann. I think her name just added to the mysterious air she carried around her.
From that day forth, she was all that I thought about. She ended up being in all of Rochelle’s classes and they became close friends. Eventually, Leeann was apart of the clan, Rochelle inviting her in. We welcomed her with open arms.
After that, it all seemed to fall into place. We started dating, and planned to stay together forever.
Or so we thought.
It was December 20, 1978.
The day that everything just fell apart[/s]…


Okay, please don't freak out when you see what I've done :-). I know it seems scary, but I have a very good reason. Your beginning is marvelous. I love all the feelings of the MC, especially the feelings of loss and things he wished he could have done, but now he's dying and he is looking back on his life. I loved it up until the part when you started going back in his memories. It felt too abrupt, too fast, and too telling. Like you're summarizing the most important moment of his life in a few paragraphs. Personally, I think you should end the first chapter thing, with him remembering his name and then in later chapter start back in time and everything. Like for the next chapter start with him in the gym shooting hoops and make it as though he is in that moment. I'm not articulating what I'm trying to say very well, but if you want me to clarify it, please PM me.

Overall, I like the direction of the piece! Good work!




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Mon Dec 08, 2008 6:26 pm
KJ wrote a review...



My nitpicks:

Oh, if I only could turn back time and undo moments that I later regretted.

This is a little too melodramatic, especially for a beginning. I would cut the 'Oh' to make it slightly better.


Alone and unloved.

But I don’t seek pity, or compassion.

These two sentences just contradict each other. The first line it seems that compassion and pity is exactly what he wants. The tone and the story make the reader think so, as well, so when he says this it just makes him seem stupid and in denial. Maybe that's what you're going for, but already I'm annoyed with Michael, and I don't know if that's what you want.


To where I started loosing my family, my friends, until I was just a shell of who I used to be.

Losing, not loosing.


Impression:

I'm interested to see where you go with this, or rather, where you went, since the whole story is in the past! (tee-hee). I do think we need more setting here, while Michael narrates and is about to tell us his story. Is he lying in a hospital bed? Standing on the edge of a cliff with teh wind gently blowing through his hair? (Ugh, please not that.) But where? What? DESCRIBE.

I think that's all. Now we just need to know more, need character development, all that.

Keep writing. Hope to see more.

KJ




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Sat Dec 06, 2008 7:40 pm
Angel of Death wrote a review...



Hey Ash!

I saw this and I couldn't resist!

This was written really well and I can't wait to read more. I could really feel Michael's emotions and I feel very sorry for him, though I don't know what he was diagnosed with yet. One thing though, I thought Preface's were written by the Publisher. I don't know, I could be wrong but I loved this nonetheless.

I could have reached out to more people, to maybe help alleviate the pain that they were beengoing through.


The underlined word doesn't sound right there. I would nix it.

The closer she got, the more I felt my stomach drop until it was gone altogether. Aaron looked worse, his cheeks brightening until they shone like a pair of ripe apples beneath the summer sun.


I love this sentence.

After that, it all seemed to fall into place. We started dating, and planned to stay together forever.
Or so we thought.
It was December 20, 1978.
The day that everything just fell apart…


And this is a lovely way to end a preface, and now I'm hooked. So please please write more and PM me when you post.

Great Job,

~Angie




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Sat Dec 06, 2008 7:37 pm
CastlesInTheSky wrote a review...



Here as requested, Ashley! It looks like you need an indepth review, so I'll get cracking.

:D Nitpicks first...

Looking back on my life, I know that there are things that I would have done differently; things that I would have left unsaid if I could only change the past. Oh, if I only could turn back time and undo moments that I later regretted. It’s all that has been on my mind as of late. I can’t think of anything else.


This is effective, but I think you could have made it a bit less cliched. The whole, 'looking back on things that I've done wrong' facade has been overdone to death, and so it loses it's effect. The idea of him being regretful is nice, as it makes the reader wonder what he's done to arrive at that conclusion. What you need to do is make it more original, make the thought process more original. Inject more of his personality into it.

I could have done more, or said more. I could have reached out to more people, to maybe help alleviate the pain that they were been going through.


I think you mean, 'maybe help alleviate the pain that they had been going through.

But I was selfish.


Never start a sentence with a conjunction.

Alone and unloved.


That's a bit melodramatic. You could express his emotions in a much more poignant way that making it blatant. You should use examples, memories that have some sentimental attatchement to him. Make us really, really feel sorry for him. 'Alone and unloved' just makes him seem pathetic.

But I don’t seek pity, or compassion.


Oh lol. :lol: You just contradicted what I said in the previous sentence. I still think you should take out, "Alone and unloved though."

To where I started loosing my family, my friends, until I was just a shell of who I used to be.


Losing is spelt with one 'o'.

She comes as easily as if I think of her often—which I don’t. I don’t think I have thought of her in over twenty years.


There's way too much repetition of the verb 'think' here. Think, think, think I thought. Cut it down.

But her face rises to the surface of my memories like a forgotten piece of a scattered puzzle.


Conjunction alert!

She was my token of good luck, my trophy for people to be jealous of.


Hm. Bit cliched. You can do better than this, Ashley. Show us how she was this rather than stating it.

Leeann…


Huh?

The closer she got, the more I felt my stomach drop until it was gone altogether. Aaron looked worse, his cheeks brightening until they shone like a pair of ripe apples beneath the summer sun.


Good simile. This is what you should be doing!

But she was sweet, asking us where she could find the office, since the high school was made up of four separate buildings.


Conjunction alert!

Lucky she had asked us, for she had been ready to enter the sports building.


Rephrase: It was lucky that she had asked us, for she had been ready to enter the sports building.

We fixed her directions, and pointed her in the direction of the main building.


Rephrase: We told her the directions, pointing in the direction of the main building.

She thanked us both, but not before we exchanged names. Leeann. I didn’t know one girl named Leeann. I think her name just added to the mysterious air she carried around her.


Oh right. That's what her name is. Ignore that comment way above entitled 'huh'. The 'mysterious air' is a bit overdone. But maybe it's to show how lovesick he is/was ?

It was December 20, 1978.
The day that everything just fell apart…


Dramatic. But this time it's in a good way. Although I think you should replace the elipses (...) with a fullstop at the end.

Right, Ashley. I liked this, it was sweet. The narrative voice was good, he wasn't being all pathetic and piteous - a trait I detest in main characters. He was dry, resigned, in a strange way that made this story stand out more. However, I think you need to add more originality to the storyline. I understand this is going to be told by a lot of different narrators, but each story needs to stand on its own feet, each one needs to be a jewel. We need to know more about your main character so we can empathise with him more. We obviously know the voice he narrates in, but that still doesn't tell us more about his personality. Flesh him out.
I understand that these are early days, but you still need to consider that the first chapter is the one introducing the characters and where the readers will decide where they continue reading or not. So you have to make it perfect. Really, really perfect.

I'm not sure about the love interest - you haven't described her at all. She's just a concept so far, she's not concrete. Show us her, make a description. And please, please don't make the mistake of turning her into a MarySue, what hundreds of people have done on these forums. You're a great writer so I wouldn't accuse you of that, I'm just making sure you don't fall into that trap. Make sure she has her flaws, her quirky mannerisms - as those imperfections are the things that will make your protagonist fall in love with her, and not her perfections.

Good luck, Ashley! I'm interested in seeing where this is going and will continue reading. Update = PM me?

-Sarah




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Sat Dec 06, 2008 7:17 pm
Night Mistress wrote a review...



Wow!

hi ash. i thought i would go ahead and start reading it before you ask me too. Not that i mind of course.

Again wow!

I could practically feel the emotion radiate off this thing. i was holding my breath though the entire thing. you have to write more when you get the chance.





Every first draft is perfect, because all a first draft has to do is exist.
— Jane Smiley