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125,008 Literary Works • 672,826 Reviews
It was... short. Fairly descriptive. Maybe it could be a bit longer... and a bit more descriptive... but who I am to say all this. I'm not that great at description either.
I'm not going to quote anything 'cause I'm kind of lazy. I hate to say it, but I was a little lost. Why was she getting hair and makeup done? What was the costume for? Why did she need help?
A little sketchy, but it was okay.
PEACE !
La Reina
I really have no critiques on this, but rather a few strong opinions. And I will just apologize in advance if this sounds harsh - I'm in a hurry.
This beginning had no point to it. The characters spoke of nothing important, did nothing significant, and there was no plot. Yes, we see taht mother and daughter are close, but this was not attention-grabbing.
I suggest a hint of plot, something important in the dialogue that will tie in the rest of the story, and generally just a more interesting setting and more depth.
Got to go, but I hope you take my advice and make this piece as good as it has potential to be
KJ
me and my harsh critiques (for which i apologize) are back!
alright lesee...
this is fine grammatically but it seems a little strange. you may want to say she had brush in hand
i'm with the other critiques that one of these is redundant.
what is it? you haven't really specified that. you can assume that it is the brush but it isn't really clear.
about seems a little irrelevant. after a minute seems good enough and vague enough because the amount of time is not relevant to this little dress up party here.
kay... i wouldn't know never having made myself look nice, or having been a seven year old girl,but doesn't brushing the hair, clipping it then hairspray-ing and running fingers through again a little much. again i wouldn't know but it just seems like a lot.
I'm with the other critiques on this one too. it seems a little weird to be applying mascara that she hates.
umm... that is a little blunt. try to avoid the "noun of something" descriptions. it gives it a weird fantasy-fiction tinge.
if you recoil, only in very few cases it isn't instinctive. i dont think instinctive is necessary. please avoid adverbs.
again if you're holding your arms in front of your face it is implied that it is protective. if it isn't you need to add something before it that indicates that. adverbs are serious bad juju.
costume? what is this, a Halloween party? i think you're either using the wrong noun or need to add a little bit of back story.
I thought the thing was just tasteless. why would she need help? you should make that a little clearer
Overall, it was pretty good but it lacks a conflict or a problem or anything that defines an exciting event. at least it is masked by a good style. you need to, ya know, add a hook. grab the readers attention. keep trying. 8/10
Hmm, I liked the relationship that was showed here, but I am wondering where you are going with the plot. It has promise though, so I won't get on your case about that.
General nit-picks have been done already. I agree with them, and this is a tad short to have more then a few nit-pick ridden critiques.
Well, short.
ONE hair? I can't think right now how you could reword this, but it needs rewording. ONE hair just sounds wrong. You get, like, a hundred hairs pulled out when you brush your hair.
Why does she wear it, if she hates it that much?
This is weird. Like, conflicting. Up till this point I had imagined the narrator to be in her early teens, old enough to be wearing make up, but the dialogue immediately made me think of someone a lot younger, like seven years old or thereabouts.
And also, I'd take out the bolded bit. It's weird. In first person, you don't really describe yourself in that way if it's the present.
Full stop instead of comma, and capital s on "she".
I'm not too sure about this, but I think "alright" should be two words. As this is like a formal situation and all.
I don't get it. Why's she so worked up over a dress with bows and sequins on? Because it's fancy? Make it clearer why she's reacting in this way.
Take out one of the actions and combine these into one paragraph. It feels like you should have the mother saying or doing something in between, but she does't, so combine to something like, I rocked back on my heels. "Well, maybe..."
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Short, as noted, but sweet for that. ^_^ As a first chapter, I think it's maybe a bit TOO short, though. First chapters suck (for me, anyway) because they have to be interesting enough to make the reader want to read the rest. So far you haven't set up much conflict -- a girl of uncertain age is getting dressed and made up. That's as far as we've got, and frankly it's not that intriguing.
Your overall style of writing is fine, you just need to make this more "hooky". It's very short, we don't know anything much about the M/C, what the occasion or situation is. There's no reason to read further.
If there's action coming up later on, then try to introduce it, or extend the chapter to include it. Happy editing!
Hey, pop.
I thought I'd come and give this a critique, because no one's found it yet. They'll be here soon, I expect. For now, I'll have a look through.
Aren't "quick" and "brisk" fairly similar? I'm not sure. Still, it'd be better to get rid of one to improve the flow.
This bit is telling. Use description instead, like how she winced away as her mother took out the mascara.
Get rid of "instinctively." It's unneeded, and adverbs are telling.
Until this bit, I assumed your narrator was a bit older. ...Um, with a very clingy mother.
Two adverbs here. The first sentence would read better as "I ducked and pushed her arm away."
And that's all I found. Good job with this. It hasn't got much of a plot to it yet, but I'm sure something will develop soon enough. Remember to show other sides to your characters. These two threaten to become cliche if you don't give them a lot more depth. They have an interesting relationship, though, one I'm sure a lot of people relate to.
Also, you can post longer pieces on here. I'm sure you know this from the other piece of yours that I reviewed.
Good job.
-Mat