Griffinkeeper

I'm kind of hesitant to introduce their thoughts at this point. Maybe I'm wrong, but showing their thoughts would be telling. I will show thoughts later, but those thoughts will ...

I love that last line. It is classic Incan.

I agree. I found the constant negative emotions and experiences to be annoying. Death, pain, agony, evil and repeat. Really, if there was a spot of light in the story, ...

I thought the yelling at god scene was a little cliche. It just seems like something done to heighten the desperation of the character. The rocky giant loomed above me ...

Of course you can't introduce we, you can only introduce us. I see no reason for having a narrator seperate from the work, mysteriousness included. Either make them part of ...

You may disregard my earlier critique, it was given on the fly. The prologue was very well constructed. No problems. Chapter One moves a little too quickly. Some time for ...

I deleted the repeat. No worries! ;)

The work is very raw and simple. I like it, but I feel that it could be dramatized a little. If this could be used as a frame to set ...

If you do have it written, go ahead and send it to me, it might help for future fan-fics.

You should so put it to the tune of that Wizard of Oz song, just put it in lyrical poetry after that.

Cool! I like this a lot. YWS Fanfiction forever! Just a little error. .5% is 5/1000 , not 5%. A little more certain.

Please comment in other people's story before you post another thread.

Hockey, check your PM's. After that, edit your post and give supercanti some constructive criticism.

*Edited so as to stop the title from warping the main page.* Use spaces between the words in your title.

Chef Brian comes to mind.