Brick path warm beneath my feet,
Calling me to lands unknown.
Follow the road laid out before me
To places, thoughts, and minds that
Show me
What I have so long been missing.
Sights, ideas, and sounds that
Fill me
With the joy of learning truth.
Follow the road laid out before me
To shadows cast upon the joy of loving;
Darkness thrown over the living
Joy of just believing.
Just believing, simply knowing.
Walk by faith and sure of things
Invisible, intangible, unknowable,
Improvable
Yet known through trust.
But still I follow, blindly stumbling
Through the valley, through the fear
Of losing
All I hold as sacred,
All I know with heart alone.
And then
Amidst the darkness walking,
A shaft of light thrown up ahead—
Illuminating
All I thought was lost amidst
The pain of logic.
And now I come unto a place
Where simple trust meets twisting thought.
Where all I've learned by knowing
And all I've learned by learning
Meet with perfect understanding.
And I follow the winding brick road
To truth.
>much edited, please comment<
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Canary word: Present
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125,017 Literary Works • 672,850 Reviews
I liked it
It had a nice flow
and i liked the metaphor
(there was a metaphor about God, wasn't there?)
and it was pleasant to read
I liked the repetition in the first two stanzas
it created a nice feel
I'm too lazy to scrutinize for detail
and nothing really popped out at me that needed fixing
so, all in all,
Good job!
Or bury...
Hmmm.... I don't know. Path is a synonym, yes, but it's the brick thing that is clumsy.
yeah...*blushes furiously* um, whoops? it's one of those things that you don't even realize until other people say something. how dumb can I be! anyway...yeah, i went back and tried to change it up........okay, i'm gonna go bury my head in the sand now.
You should so put it to the tune of that Wizard of Oz song, just put it in lyrical poetry after that.
Aye, I agree! The brick road analogy is very confusing, to put it lightly. When you're writing something, especially poetry, you have to be careful about what you're referencing. Literary critics are crazy about that kind of stuff.
So change the title and some of the content to exclude the word "brick." It's distracting, much too distracting from the poem, which has a nice content.
Good luck!
Okay, I have to be honest - I tried to fit this to the tune of "Follow the Yellow Brick Road" from The Wizard of Oz. *laughs*
In all seriousness, though, it was somewhat distracting to have that similarity.
You seem to use punctuation sporadically, so I was thrown off with the lack of any real structure.
Should be Amidst.
Overall, I liked the concept... I just really disliked the "learning brick road," even though I know that's sort of the central theme. I want to love this piece, I really do. I know a fantastic piece is hidden just under the surface, but it needs to be refined a bit before it can really shine.
Work on this a bit, and I'm sure it'll turn out great.