Published September 29, 2006
She moves through the trees. Tired yet determined, she runs. As though free of the world she forgets her pain and suffering. The love she once had no longer haunts her. Its almost like there is a cloak of assure is keeping her from her own agony.
She stops to breathe and thunder sounds in the distance. She laughs as it falls from the sky. Now drenched, reality returns and her serenity disappears. Shaking her head she forces the water from her face, then continues.
Now after jogging for thirty minutes strait she loses breath again. She lets her pace slow to a walking jog than stops completely as she reaches a small stream.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: Okayy....a pretty short story here. Sounds like a prologue to a novel more than an actual short story. You get a sense of some kind of emotion but beyond that you don't really get any sort of idea about what's going on here or why it's going on. You just see a woman running possibly from some danger or maybe someone from her past or something along those lines.
Anyway let's get right to it,
That word shouldn't be there.
Like someone mentioned earlier you have to specify that its rain or it sounds like you are saying that thunder is falling and that's wrong.
That's kind of an ominous ending right there. Paired with the beginning that you came up with this is quite the picture. It leaves us hanging to imagine what might happen next and that's quite dark if you look at it closely.
Aaand that's all for this one. A short review for a very short piece.
Overall: Overall I felt like this conveyed a very powerful image for how short it was. It appears to be really on first glance but if you read into a bit you see quite the dark little story in there. For that purpose works, we get a decent sense of what she's doing and the tiniest hint of her emotions as she does what she does.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Please comment in other people's story before you post another thread.
Is this meant to be a chapter or a prologue?
I have no idea who this 'she' is and why she is running. There is no introduction and I didn't feel anything while reading it.
Thunder doesn't fall from the sky. I think you meant rain as later 'she' shakes her head of the water, but you forgot to mention that it was raining in the first place.
strait should be straight.
Slow things down. I have no clue what the plot may be or where all this is.
Good luck!
PET PEEVES> "as though". ick (x2)
runing through trees= metephoric
jogging becomes out of place.
YWS needs to have a category for first drafts.