z

Young Writers Society



Dark Horizons

by LilacsandLilies


Prologue

Deep beneath the parched, dusty surface of Scientific Research Facility Number 51's outer bounderies an entity long hidden from the world stirred within its confines. As a result of being located so close to the weapons testing facility, radiation and toxic chemicals had eventually uncovered a burried city mostly destroyed, but still partiaully intact. Scientists had flocked to the site, now littered with slabs of million year old stone and wood somehow preserved and an effort was made to expose and understand things that would have been better left burried and forgotten. Hundreds of feet below the most undisturbed building was a subterranean cave in which a presence flexed against its mysterious bonds, awaking from a slumber that was meant to be eternal. Slowly the weakened threads shackling the ancient evil were stretched to their greatest extent and then one by one snapped until none were left. The creature was free. As it lay dormant, collecting energy, it cast out its mind to study its changed world. It began to understand and form a plan as it gained power, watching, waiting...

Chapter One

Slowly, the wavering sun rose until it bathed the little green hill in pale orange light, glimmering off the morning dew. A white bird glided gracefully down and landed on the lone tree on top of the hill, disappearing into its thick green foliage. Suddenly the tree flickered, and the picture dissolved, leaving only a blank white screen and a girl, disappiontment etched onto her young face.

"Mom! The projector is acting up again!" she yelled to her mother, who stood in another room trying to coax a three year old boy to eat his vegetables.

"Get over it!" her mother replied, frustrated by her toddler brother, Jacob, "your father doesn't have time to fix it again."

"Mom-"

"Don't start this again with me, Ashleigh. I just told you that your father doesn't have time to-"

"No. It just came back on again." Ashleigh interrupted looking back toward the peaceful hill and tree. As the sun came up and the bird flew into sight something about the picture started to change. Squinting her eyes, Ashleigh tried to determine what was going wrong, and when she did, sat quickly back up her eyes going wide.

Everything was dying.

Slowly the bright emerald green grass turned yellow, then brown, and then diappeared all together leaving dry cracked earth, the withered, and eventualy barren tree standing forlornly in the middle of a wasteland. The harsh sunlight glared upon the landscape and the bird's pitiful corpse dropped from the tree. Slowly, right in front of the once magnificent giant, the dirt began to buckle and ripple, sending tremors down the hill until, finally, the ground gave way and something truly terrifying emerged.

At first Ashleigh thought that some sort of toxic gas was slowly streaming out of the broken earth, but as it began to take shape she knew that this was something completely different, though she had no idea what it may be. The black ethereal mist seemed to draw light into itself as it swirled and coalesced into a tall column and then attempted to forma human shape, but failing to come anywhere close. Its too skinny body slowly walked, although it never once touched the ground, over to the dead tree and leisurely placed what must be a hand on to the dry peeling bark.

Ashleigh gasped as the entire oak vaporized into dust in an instant, leaving nothing but a flurry of ashes, quickly carried away by a non-existent wind. Without conscious thought she had inched closer to the screen until her enitre vision was the hill and the black creature that had decimated the little world. Ever so slowly the thing turned toward her until its face twitched into view and its glowing violet eyes met her's, somehow making a connection through the screen that forced her to focus only on it, holding her eyes like a magnet. A smile grew and the creature's lips wrinkled back until Ashleigh could see two rows of perfectly straight, razor-sharp teeth.

And then her head exploded.

Screaming, she immediately tasted blood, but that wasn't what held her stiff with fear. Inside her head was replaying every horrible thing that had ever happened to her. Asheigh saw herself falling off her bike and scraping her knees, tripping on stage in front of a crowd of people, and watched, helpless, as her best friend fell into the raging waters of a flood river. She didn't just see it all, she felt it. Every cut, scrape, bruise, and all the mixed and jumbled feelings of the worst moments of her life, multiplied hundreds upon hundreds of times. Then it got worse. She became completely unaware of her body and was utterly consumed as her worst fears were acted out in her head over and over, until she stood on the brink of insanity. The only thing Ashleigh felt was pure unrestrained fear as she saw herself ripped and torn, cut and burned, over and over and over. She died a million times in the span of a second, and then a million more until it seemed eternity would only be content if she suffered forever...

Then it stopped.

Alex and his mother watched helplessly as his sister's thrashings subsided and then rushed to her side. He had been in his room when he had heard the screams over the sound of his blasting radio, and come running. Entering the room to find his mother trying to hold Ashleigh down, he rushed to her side but the eight year old's violent seizures threw them off, their efforts in vain. They hurriedly pushed the coffee table away from her, accidentally knocking the projector to the floor, and waited by her side for the small girl to stop.

After one last peircing scream, Ashleigh stopped moving all together and blood bubbled up from her mouth. Kneeling down at her side, Alex flipped her over, and screamed at his mother, who was still frozen in shock, to call an ambulance, as he felt his sister's wrist for a pulse. He sighed. Even though it was quick and erratic, the girl's heart was still beating. In the kitchen he heard his mother sobbing into the phone and then slowly Jacob's cries subsided as the young boy was quieted. Twenty minutes later, Ashleigh was being loaded, by stretcher, into the back of an ambulance followed by his mother who turned back to him shakily and said, "Alex, you have to stay home with Jacob. I already called your father at work and he's going to meet me at the hospital. I don't know when we'll be back, so if anything happens call my cell phone." The worry lines on her face tightened as she turned back to the ambulance and went to hold her daughter's cold hand, tears rolling slowly, silently down her face. Alex could only stand and watch as the ambulance's sirens and lights faded into the distance, clutching his little brother's tiny hand like a lifeline, while his old life was swepted away.


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Mon Apr 09, 2007 9:50 pm



You suck Cassie.... I can't believe you let this story die. It was so awesome!!! I really wanted to know what happened in the later the later chapters, but I guess thats never going to happen thanks to your writers block.




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Sun Oct 08, 2006 11:26 pm
LilacsandLilies says...



Thanks. All of your posts were really informative and i'll try to fix it up. Sorry about posting twice, by the way, I was a little confused about what I was doing. I know it needs some work, so I'll try to fix it up as much as I can. Thanks again for all the suggestions!




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Sun Oct 08, 2006 7:50 am
dele24 wrote a review...



Deep beneath the parched, dusty surface of Scientific Research Facility Number 51's outer boundaries; an entity long hidden from the world stirred within its confines.


There is something just a bit awkward about that first sentence, I wouldn't know how to rewrite it but I think it needs to be maybe not shorter but simpler to be more effective. Do you really need Scientific Research Area 51 in there? It makes the sentence quite cumbersome.

As a result of being located so close to the weapons testing facility, radiation and toxic chemicals had eventually uncovered a buried city mostly destroyed, but still partially intact.


I think the mostly destroyed is not really needed, if you say partially intact we assume that the rest is ruined.

Hundreds of feet below the most undisturbed building was a subterranean cave in which a presence flexed against its mysterious bonds, awaking from a slumber that was meant to be eternal.



This sentence is hard to understand, was the cave below the most undisturbed building or was the cave the most undisturbed building and if so a cave isn’t really a building. I would take the undisturbed building out, leaving it: Hundreds of feet below was a subterranean cave in which a presence flexed against its mysterious bonds, awaking from a slumber that was meant to be eternal.

"Get over it!" her mother replied, frustrated by her toddler brother, Jacob, "your father doesn't have time to fix it again."

Her toddler brother?? I know what you mean but it makes it sound like it is her mums brother who is a toddler.


Squinting her eyes, Ashleigh tried to determine what was going wrong, and when she did, sat quickly back up her eyes going wide.

Maybe: Ashleigh squinted her eyes, trying to determine what was going wrong, and when she did she sat bolt upright, her eyes going wide.

Ashleigh gasped as the entire oak vaporized into dust in an instant, leaving nothing but a flurry of ashes, quickly carried away by a non-existent wind.


I don’t think it can be vaporized into dust, vaporized means to be transformed into vapour.

And then her head exploded.


Her head exploding, great short sentence, lots of impact but to me her head exploding is like her head being blown off by a grenade or gun or something, but she is obviously still alive and still has her head.

Inside her head was replaying every horrible thing that had ever happened to her.


Replaying inside her head was every horrible thing that had ever happened to her.
Twenty minutes later, Ashleigh was being loaded, by stretcher, into the back of an ambulance followed by his mother who turned back to him shakily and said, "Alex, you have to stay home with Jacob. I already called your father at work and he's going to meet me at the hospital. I don't know when we'll be back, so if anything happens call my cell phone."


Maybe : “Alex, stay home with Jacob, your father is going to meet me at the hospital. I don’t know when we’ll be back. I’ve got my cell phone, I’ll ring when we know something” Saying she’s got her cell phone implies that he can ring her anytime and he will be assured that he isn’t left home out of the loop. But wouldn't his mum tell him this as they were waiting for the ambulance to arrive, they did have twenty minutes and she probably wouldn't have needed to be on the phone all that time. Anyway, just my opinion, you might not agree.

I really liked that last sentence, the last seven words especially. I also like the way you have a paragraph and then a single short sentence bringing explanation or an event which you go onto expand in the next paragraph.

Overall I think it is great but yeah it could be better.




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Sun Oct 08, 2006 7:36 am
Griffinkeeper says...



I deleted the repeat. No worries! ;)




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Sun Oct 08, 2006 7:17 am
Jiggity wrote a review...



while his old life was swepted away.


swept away.

This was awesome. Excellently written, flowed well, was interesting and ... I likey very much. The creature itself was a bit cliched, the standard ancient monster that awkens to wreak havoc. You could work on that. Maybe make it so that is only one of its many manifestations. I dunno, its up to you. The prologue was a little bit too informative, so I agree with inertia there.

Brava.

BTW--you've posted this twice.




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Sun Oct 08, 2006 3:05 am
Ohio Impromptu wrote a review...



I'll tackle the prologue first.
You spelled 'buried' wrong, but spelling isn't an issue here.

Technically, there was nothing wrong with it - it just could have been so much better. With the sort of story I gather you are going to tell, the prologue needs to be more haunting and less informative. Giving the reader details is fine, but don't drown them in facts that are presnted bluntly and without good timing. If you want the prologue to be as effective as we both know it can be, I think it should just describe the creature stirring, the surroundings and only a little bit of the info about scientists and such. Obviously, the reader will find out the whole story concerning the buried city in due time, so only describe the more mood-setting and vital details. Then again, this is all just my opinion, so feel free to disregard it entirely. :wink:

Chapter One was great. A few bits were sort of clumsy, like:

Its too skinny body slowly walked

reads a bit wierdly. Maybe change it to:

It's skeletal (any synonyms for skinny will do, just make it more descriptive) body walked slowly

I really like the line that says:

She died a million times in the span of a second, and then a million more until it seemed eternity would only be content if she suffered forever...

so good work on that.

Anyway, you have a good beginning to a story here, but it could be that little bit better. I look forward to reading some more.





huh. didn't realize santa was a batman fan-
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