I heartily concur...only without all the dying. What's up, Aero? Is your protag giving you trouble?
This weekend I will be doing another mass edit of Chapter 1. Which means, you guys will have to wait for Chapter 2. Thanks again for all the crits! I will post again when I'm done editing.
~Aero
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The Veil Not Seen
Chapter 1
I sat on the night shore, clutching my shivering body as the steady plip plop of rain began. Looking up, I gazed at the sea and rubbed my hands together.
It had been hours since I was out there challenging wind and water alike. I rose slowly, wincing in pain as I started walking up the shore. Through the dark night, lightning streaked across the sky, illuminating my bruised body.
I stood in a small cove, peering at the encompassing cliffs. They were enormous, slick with rainwater, littered with crags and nooks.
“Great, just great. This is exactly not what I need…”
I kicked the accursed sand in front of me. Trapped. Stuck on this God-forsaken beach. No food. No water! I picked up a shell and chucked it into the sea as I screamed at no one but the waves.
“Where’s God when you need him?”
The thunder cracked, splitting the air like wood.
“Is that your answer, God?” I glared at the sky, boring holes into Heaven, shaking a scarred fist. “Where were you when I needed you? Where were you when-”
Again, the thunder rolled and I sat down on the shore, forgetting my anger.
After a moment, the wind picked up, jingling the shark tooth necklace round my neck. I’ll always be with you, Father had said. I remember standing on the shore that day, like so many times before, with the briny smell of the sea in my nose as I watched the white clouded sails sink into the horizon.
I knew he would be gone someday but not like this. Never like this.
Tears streamed from my eyes as I gingerly touched the worn leather. Then as I peered at the black pearls that were beaded along it, an idea came. It hit me full in the face just as the lightning flashed for a second time across the cliffs.
I looked up; studying the cliffs curiously, as I painfully walked towards them and ignored the course sand that caught between my toes.
Suddenly my eyes lit up. Maybe, all isn’t lost.
I had scaled many cliffs back home; this should be no different. Or so I thought. It was my only chance. My only escape.
The rocky giant loomed above me like an unconquered demon as I reached towards it. Gripping along a cleft that snaked its way up, I began the grueling climb.
The going was slow and my muscles tired fast from the burning strain. I could barely stand as my legs trembled in the frigid air. Handhold by handhold, step by step, I clung like a babe to a mother.
Finally, I let out a short gasp as I crawled on to a shallow ledge one hundred feet up. I lay there shaking with my muscles pulsing and perspiration pouring rampant.
Slowly, I took stock of my surroundings. Jutting out of the cliff was a chimney; it was two flat faces on either side about two feet wide each and three feet across from each other.
Moving my hands across the smooth rock, I searched meticulously for some sort of crevice or crack that I could grasp.
None. Now what.
I kicked a rock angrily off the cliff as the elements hounded me. Father’s reassuring voice repeated constantly in my mind. Use your head, m’boy. God gave it to you for a reason.
Come on, Damon, think!
I began to pace back and forth along the ridge, running a quivering hand through my dark hair. My tunic and pantaloons fluttering like flags in the breeze.
Suddenly my foot slipped on the water-drowned shelf; my hands quickly shot forward covering my eyes. But as fast as it began everything stopped. Slowly my hands moved away, and I looked around confused. The sky was above me, yet I wasn’t falling like I should’ve been.
Something felt hard against my feet and head. Reaching back, I touched along a rough surface. Finally, it hit me; I was jammed between the two faces.
Letting out a sigh of relief, I quickly loosed myself and brushed off some small rock debris. Wait, I cocked my head, looking back. Everything suddenly became clear. Stepping forward cautiously, careful not to slip again, I settled my shoulders against the right face and my soles against the left. I nudged my back up a few feet, cringing as blood began to run from my dark scabs. Gritting my teeth, I ignored it as I brought up my legs. I toiled this way for hours through sweat and tear alike, lunging myself forward.
At last, I reached another ledge and collapsed, exhausted with blood streaming from my back; my tunic had long since been ripped off. Reaching back gingerly, I placed a hand on it and gasped in pain, bringing it quickly back to stare in horror at a mass of cartilage and dark blood. My hands immediately shot for my abdomen as my lungs burned with salty water bursting out. Eventually I stopped and knelt, allowing the cold rain to cleanse my body, and before I realized it, my eyes drifted shut.
Awake!
I came to, shocked and confused; eventually I organized my thoughts and tried to move. But I couldn’t-I couldn’t move!
My mind panicked, I couldn’t even move my lips, my eyes were the only thing that could move as I pleaded mentally to God.
There is always hope, no matter how bleak it may seem, there is always hope. Father’s voice comforted me.
Why did you have to die? Why couldn’t it have been me?
I sat there for hours lost in my awful memories; the storm never abating, my head slumped against my chest. My heart slowing until I could hear the steady ba boom, ba boom, and finally when I thought all hope was lost my finger twitched subtly. A tingling warmth began to spread from the tip. At first just barely, but then slowly it wove its way up my hand. Then my arm, then my shoulder, until it filled my entire body. Each nerve felt like it was on fire as I slowly moved a mud-caked knee towards my chest.
Finally, I dared to stand through the stinging pain of my legs. But it soon passed, along with the warmth, sadly. The cold was back, and the numbness was present once again but now I could move.
Looking about for the first time in hours, I saw a ladder of rocky outcroppings to my right. They were climbing ever higher, disappearing amongst the clouds. They looked to be a stairway to Heaven, and I extended my hand to grab the first one.
My breath was short and raspy, as the air became thinner and thinner. I could barely see my own hand through the clouds, let alone the next hold. Moving slightly left, I reached for a small crack. Everything was becoming hazy and it took me a minute to find it. I was so tired, delirious from the dripping sweat.
Touching with the tips of my fingers, I reached through the mist. Suddenly the ledge beneath crumbled away. Leaping up, I grabbed a hold of the final step using all my strength to pull myself on to the shallow ridge. Each vein and joint popped out barely contained in my skin. It was no longer about climbing the cliff. It was about surviving it.
My eyes rolled around wildly as I sucked air, laid flat against the cold rock. I had run out of handholds and the top lay just twenty feet up.
Not now.
“Please God, not now,” I whispered.
Glancing down, I turned from the dizzying sight. Through the clouds I could see the waves crashing like ravaging beasts against the rocky coast hundreds of feet below. I had heard tales at the old inns near the sea. Drunken sailors had drawled of men who fell from high, higher than I had seen. They had said when they hit the water… I shuddered closing my eyes.
They fluttered open after a second, and I peered through the wispy tendrils of white grasping at my face and spied a rift gaping wide to my right but just barely too far.
How can I come this far and now be at the end only to not reach it.
Again, Father’s voice rang true in my mind. When you give up, you’re failing yourself and that m’boy is the worst failure there is.
His voice brought new hope to me and my eyes shone with determination as I looked up. I would jump. I could make it. I had to. I could not go back.
Taking a deep breath, I hesitated for one second. Then I flung myself across the cliff face. Each rock raked my body, slicing through cloth and skin alike. My hand leaped forward with fingers extending and just barely touched the edge.
Whack. An overhang smacked my shoulder knocking them clean. Time froze for that one second as my legs and arms waved about wildly, and then everything rushed before my eyes as I plummeted through the fog. I screamed in agony, forming my fingers into claws and scraping the rock. It felt as if my very soul was being ripped from me as they were burned off. But suddenly a strange feeling crept into my heart. Something indescribable.
Suddenly everything vanished. The storm, the cliffs, even the sinking in my stomach disappeared and I lay in utter darkness.
I heartily concur...only without all the dying. What's up, Aero? Is your protag giving you trouble?
Aero--hey, what's up? haven't talked to you in a while--thought I'd pop by. And what is this I find? NO MORE VEIL! *dies*
Darling, you are going to be the death of me. I looked, I saw that there were a whole three pages, and I said to myself, "Oh, Gyr, we must go see what more the loverly aero has written." And what do I find! 
No worries darling, but please do keep it coming.
And why is there no Aero crit on my new Gypsie Eyes chapter! *wails, faints, dies--agian*
You requested a SPEWlish critique, but since you've already got a few good ones, I'll keep this one fairiy short.
I like the fact that you were really trying to draw us in with the cliff scene- you tried. Ah, I know that sounds like a terrible insult...but really, it's not. You've got mad style skills and you've pulled it off well.
However! This story is a contradiction in all the little clues it gives- at first we get, 'ooh! Cynical hero! He's talking to himself!' but then it switches over the the 'awake' thing, and we get the 'so it was all a dream'...which doesn't really fit. Pick one.
CYNICAL HERO: This guy's life is crap and he acknowledges this with all he's got. Add in more sarcasm and more pitfalls so he's got more to complain about- but don't forget to make him likeable. Challenge of a lifetime, I know.
'TWAS ALL A DREAM: Make this more surreal- strange, twisted details and a lilting sense of description ('soft' words, roundabout phrases) will do the trick.
And of course, you might say, "I was going for something else entirely!" But...you certainly confused me, so you're going to want to pick one of the two, or something recognizable or similar. You can use elements- the 'doom is a'coming' character or the surreal setting- but make sure that it's clear what's going on.
You can do something that's not been done before...but make sure it's actually been, you know, not done before.
Other than that- I did enjoy the yelling at God. I found that amusing. If you want a more sarcastic setting, I'd definitely bring that one out. 
Thank you so much to all who have critiqued. All of your criticism has been noted and I will be doing another mass edit of Ch. 1 this weekend. Hopefully when I post it again for critique it will be much better! Thank you all once again, and anymore crits will be greatly appreciated.
~Aero
Green = Comment/Correction
Black = Review
*
I looked up; studying the cliffs curiously, as I painfully walked towards them and ignored the course sand that caught between my toes.
Slowly, I took stock of my surroundings. Jutting out of the cliff was a chimney; it was two flat faces on either side about two feet wide each and three feet across from each other.
None. Now what.
But I couldn’t-I couldn’t move!
My mind panicked, I couldn’t even move my lips, my eyes were the only thing that could move as I pleaded mentally to God.
My heart slowing until I could hear the steady ba boom, ba boom, and finally when I thought all hope was lost my finger twitched subtly.
My eyes rolled around wildly as I sucked air, laid flat against the cold rock. I had run out of handholds and the top lay just twenty feet up.
They fluttered open after a second, and I peered through the wispy tendrils of white grasping at my face and spied a rift gaping wide to my right but just barely too far.
Taking a deep breath, I hesitated for one second.
But suddenly a strange feeling crept into my heart. Something indescribable.
Suddenly everything vanished. The storm, the cliffs, even the sinking in my stomach disappeared and I lay in utter darkness.
I thought the yelling at god scene was a little cliche. It just seems like something done to heighten the desperation of the character.
The rocky
giant loomed above me like an unconquered demon...
I stood in a small cove, peering at the
encompassing cliffs. They were enormous, slick with rainwater, littered with crags and nooks.
Through the clouds I could see the waves crashing[s] like ravaging beasts[/s] against the rocky coast hundreds of feet below.
I told ya I would crit this, so I'm going to do a partial one. (Don't have time with school and all. )
I really like the story line-it shows that Damon is in desperation throughout the whole thing. I think you're still telling more than showing, though. I like the thoughts throughout the piece-Damon is pleading with God to not let him die. But I think you could still express more emotion. Have him do actions that parallel with his desperation. I really don't have any suggestions for that area, though, sorry. XD
You have some grammatical errors throughout the piece-but I won't concentrate on those. I would suggest using the book The Elements of Style by E.B. White and William Strunk. It's considered a classic in the writing world for grammar. The one thing I most noticed was that when you said a name in the middle of the sentence (such as William, m'boy or something like that), you didn't put a comma in between the appositive and the rest of the sentence. Here's an example of an appositive (the first is incorrect and the second is correct):
George the butcher stared forlornly out the window.
George, the butcher, stared forlornly out the window.
You see where the commas are? That's what you should do in an appositive. (Sorry for the amateurish example-it's off the top of my head. 
)
Damon isn't portrayed as much through the story as his actions are. I suggest you spend a little more time on Damon's inner thoughts and then use those feelings inside displayed in his actions.
You had a good use of language throughout the story, which I admire in a writer. The thing I would mainly suggest working on is characterization of Damon and even of his father. I want to know more about him too!
Good job aero! Sorry I couldn't do a more complete one-short on time-I'm sure you understand. If you need me to clarify anything, pm me. TTYL!
Wiggy
Well, I see that I have been missing out!
Aero, your story grabbed me right from the start. Damon is now a character that I care about:) His climb is a little hard to follow, though...I'm sorry, I haven't got any concrete suggestions on how to fix that, except maybe to have him describe the goal before him before he goes at it, and that may not be Damon's style.
I agree with Shafter on all points, particularly on loving his dad! And the way he talks to God is done well; not cheesy, not forced, as that sort of thing too often is. Buena! I shall be watching for more...
Wow wow wow! Thanks for all the replies guys! Especially you Shafter! I love you! lol, I really needed that critique to fix all that junk. It will help me improve. I am actually going to critique your story right now so hopefully my critique will be as helpful as yours. Thanks Luna and Pandora for the great comments; I'm glad you two enjoyed it so much (If you want me to critique any of your work feel free to ask!)
Update: I should be done editing and post the next chapter by the end of today hopefully, don't count on it lol
Thanks again all!
~Aero
I liked this one. I usually don't read from the fantasy fiction section, but this caught my eye. There may be a few things you want to change, but I think everyone else covered it. I enjoyed reading about how Damon has his way of speaking with God.
At first I was like "What's his name?!?!" But I liked the way you revealed it. GREAT job.
Very long!
Pandora
Hey, aeroman!
Well, you asked for it. Here’s the punctuation/grammar crit. Hope it helps. Forgive me, I don't know how to use the "quote" thing.
******I sat on the night shore clutching my shivering body as the steady plip plop of rain began. Looking up I gazed at the sea and rubbed my hands together. ****
Although the first sentence is technically right, it seems like it needs a comma after “shore.” That’s just my opinion though.
There’s a comma here: “Looking up, I gazed...”
******It had been hours since I was out there challenging wind and water alike. I rose slowly, wincing in pain as I started walking across the shore. Through the dark night, lightning streaked across the sky illuminating my bruised body. *****
Comma between “sky” and “illuminating.” Also, you use the word “across” twice.
****** I stood in a small cove peering at the encompassing cliffs. They were enormous, slick with rainwater, littered with crags and nooks. ******
Unless you’re using metaphor to say that the cove is peering at the cliffs, there’s a comma between “cove” and “peering.”
By the way, I like your description of the cliffs.
*****“Is that your answer God?” I glared at the sky, boring holes into Heaven while shaking a scarred fist, “where were you when I needed you? Where were you when-” ****
“... answer, God?’”
“... a scarred first. ‘Where were you...”
*****Again, the thunder rolled and I sat down on the shore forgetting my anger. If blame was to be cast it was my fault not his. I was the one... ****
“... on the shore, forgetting my anger.”
“If blame was to be cast, it was my fault, not his.”
**** After a moment, the wind picked up jingling the shark tooth necklace round my neck. *****
“... the wind picked up, jingling the shark tooth necklace...”
*****After a moment, the wind picked up jingling the shark tooth necklace round my neck. I’ll always be with you, Father had said. I remember standing on the shore that day, like so many times before, with the briny smell of the sea in my nose as I watched the white clouded sails sink into the horizon. ******
I love this whole paragraph! You did a beautiful job of using the necklace to seamlessly show some backstory.
**** I knew he would be gone someday but not like this. Never like this. *****
“...someday, but not...”
I like the way you use the short sentence to accent the point.
****** Then as I peered at the black pearls that were beaded along it an idea came. ****
This is just opinion, but I’d put a comma between “it” and “an.”
*****I looked up, studying their dark faces curiously...*****
It’s a little unclear who “they” are. At first I thought you were still talking about the beads.
********The rocky giant loomed above me like an unconquered demon as I reached towards it. Gripping along a cleft that snaked its way up I began the grueling climb. *****
Think about putting a comma between “up” and “I.”
I like the way you use metaphor and simile to describe the cliffs. It gives me a vivid image, and it also helps develop Damon’s character.
*****Handhold by handhold, step by step, I clung like a babe to a mother with my very life held on a string. ****
Good opening rhythm, but then you mix metaphors. Could you delete the weaker one or find a different way to describe this?
**** Father’s reassuring voice repeated constantly in my mind. Use your head m’boy. God gave it to you for a reason. ****
“... head, m’boy.”
Again, I like this backstory.
*****Come on Damon think! *****
“Come on, Damon, think!”
****** I began to pace back and forth along the ridge running a quivering hand through my dark hair. ******
“... ridge, running....”
****** Suddenly my foot slipped on the water-drowned shelf; my hands quickly shot forward covering my eyes. But as fast as it began everything stopped. Slowly I moved my hands away, and I looked around confused. The sky was above me, yet I wasn’t moving. ******
“... shot forward, covering my eyes.”
There’s “move” and “moving” in the same paragraph.
***** Something felt hard against my feet and head. Reaching back, I felt along a rough surface. Finally, it hit me; I was jammed between the two faces. *****
Two “felt”s.
****Wait, I cocked my head looking back. ****
“... my head, looking back.”
******Reaching back gingerly, I placed a hand on it and gasped in pain bringing it quickly back to stare in horror at a mass of cartilage and dark blood. *****
~Shudders~ Vivid image there, it made me cringe.
“... in pain, bringing it...”
****I came to shocked and confused; eventually I organized my thoughts and tried to move. ******
“I came to, shocked and confused...”
***** At first just barely but then slowly it wove its way up my hand. Then my arm, then my shoulder until it filled my entire body. *****
“... just barely, but then...”
“... my shoulder, until it...”
*****The cold was back and the numbness was present once again but now I could move. *****
“...again, but now...”
***** Looking about for the first time in hours, I saw a ladder of rocky outcroppings to my right. They were climbing ever higher, disappearing amongst the clouds. They looked to be a stairway to Heaven, and I extended my hand to grab the first one. *****
Good paragraph! It gives me a vivid image of the scene.
*****My breath came short and raspy as the air was becoming thinner and thinner.*****
This sentence is grammatically wrong somehow... It seems that “was becoming” should be “became;” but that would pose the problem of “came” and “became” in the same paragraph. Humph.
***** I could barely see my own hand through the clouds let alone the next hold. *****
“...clouds, let alone...”
*****Leaping up I grabbed a hold of the final step using all my strength to pull myself on to the shallow ridge. Each vein and joint popped out barely contained in my skin. *****
“Leaping up, I grabbed...”
****** It was no longer about climbing the cliff. It was about surviving it. *****
I like this observation.
*****“Please God, not now.” I whispered.****
‘...not now,” I whispered.’
I can feel Damon’s despair at this point. You used very few words to convey a lot of emotion.
*****Glancing down I turned from the dizzying sight. ******
“Glancing down, I turned....”
***** How can I come this far, be this close, and now I am just a few feet from freedom and I can’t reach it. *****
This is a bit confusing. It might be better if you took out “and now I am,” but I’m not sure.
*****When you give up you’re failing yourself and that m’boy is the worst failure there is.*****
“... give up, you’re failing...”
“... and that, m’boy, is the worst...”
I love his dad!!
*****His voice brought new hope to me and my eyes shone with determination as I looked up. I would jump. I could make it. I had to. I could not go back. *****
Great rhythm.
***** Each rock raked my body slicing through cloth and skin alike. *****
“... my body, slicing through...”
***** An overhang smacked my shoulder knocking them clean. *****
“... smacked my shoulder, knocking...”
What is “them”? Your fingers? It sounds like you’re still talking about your shoulder.
******I screamed in agony forming my fingers into claws and scraping the rock. ******
“... in agony, forming...”
***** Time froze for that one second as my legs and arms waved about wildly, and then everything rushed before my eyes as I plummeted through the fog. I screamed in agony forming my fingers into claws and scraping the rock. It felt as if my very soul was being ripped from me as they were burned off. But suddenly a strange feeling crept into my heart. Something indescribable.
Suddenly everything vanished. The storm, the cliffs, even the sinking in my stomach disappeared and I lay in utter darkness.*****
Excellent finish to your chapter! It makes me cringe, it really does. *Shudders again* Of course now I want to know what happens next.
All the comments are nothing big, just a lot of nitpicky stuff. That’s what comes from my mom being an editor.
This story is great! (I was about to say I liked it, but “like” is hardly the word to use.) Be sure to let me know when you post more.
Cheers! ~Shafter
I figure I won't bother with a critique since everyone else has beaten me to it and I fear I will only enforce what everyone else has already said.
But I did enjoy it thoroughly and I did get a good grasp of the stuggle Damon has with getting up to the top of the cliff. I hope the next chapter explains how he got shipwrecked. Good work and I await the next installment!
LUNA
I promised I'd give your story a crit, so here it is!
It's a good opening chapter overall, because it drew me into the story right away and leaves many questions to be answered. I like the way Damon (that is his name, right?) talks to God. The flashbacks as he remembers his father's words were really good. I like his father!
Something that threw me off, though, was the way Damon talks out loud to himself. This may be a style thing, but it seems that his speeches to himself would be better as interior monologue, in italics. The quotes just stopped me. If he's the kind of guy who would actually say things aloud to himself, try to show that somewhere in the narrative so the reader isn't interupted.
Also, it seemed a little long-winded to me. After several descriptions of scaling the cliff, the writing starts to sound redundant. I'd suggest reading through the descriptions and highlighting all the similar phrases. Then you could take out and/or revise as many as possible. I'm not sure, but it seemed that he screams a lot. You might want to look into that.
I'm not sure how much punctuation editing you've done, 'cause there's still a lot of typos. If you want a full puncuation crit, just PM me, okay?
Hope this is helpful in some way. Post your next chapter soon!
Cheers! ~Shafter
Grif: As you already know, I value your opinion very highly (it helps me keep focused on the important stuff in the story). Thank you for all your suggestions, they are done and the story has been changed to the front! If you find anything else you want to mention just let me know! Thanks again! You rock!
Gyr: Hey pal! I love you! You're so nice to continue with these constant critiques, you're definitely in my favorite critiquer list! You always catch the things I don't! haha. All of your changes have been made and I got rid of the original and posted the "improved" version up on the front page. I will get to looking over your changes on Chapter 4 of Gypsie Eyes tomorrow! Thanks again! You're awesome!
Update: Chapter 2 should be posted by Wednesday at the latest (but don't have expectations, I'm really trying to make this one perfect because I'm introducing a very vital portion of the story.)
All further critiques on Chapter 1 will be appreciated! Thanks everyone for your support!
~Aero
Loverly, aero, I like this one much better. It's really nice that we know his name now--and the mental images I got were a lot sharper and more distinct--great job!
As ususal, though, just a few comments/suggestions:
I think the “then” is unnecessary.Then looking up I gazed at the sea and rubbed my hands together.
After a moment, the wind picked up jingling the shark tooth necklace about my neck. “I’ll always be with you,” Father had said, holding it out to me before he left on one of his many voyages. I remember standing on the shore that day. The briny smell of the sea in my nose as I watched the white clouded sails sink into the horizon.
Then slowly, I took stock of my surroundings.
“Come on, Damon, think!”
“Awake!” A voice penetrated my dreams.
mud caked knee
The cold was back now and the numbness was ever present once again, but now, I could move.
as my lungs burned constantly
Moving slightly left, I reached for a small crack, everything was becoming hazy and it took me a minute to find it.
peered through the wispy tendrils of white, grasping at my face
I sat on the night shore clutching my body, as the steady plip plop of rain began. Shivering, I rubbed my hands together as I gazed at the sea.
It had been hours since I was out there, challenging wind and water alike. But the deep had become a purgatory I could never forget.
I rose bitterly, and hung my head as I walked across the shore. Then through the dark night, lightning streaked through the sky, illuminating my body, tough from sailing the vast seas.
Yet, vengeance was the only thought on my mind.
Lightning flashed again, lighting my surroundings. I stood hidden in a small cove, peering at the encompassing cliffs. They were enormous, slick with rainwater, littered with crags and nooks.
Zion: Hey thanks for catching all that stuff! It has really helped me edit it and make it better! I will critique yours asap.
~Aero
I didnt read (most) of the crits mentioned above so my own crit may sound a little inferior compared to the other's 
but anyway...
I liked the pacing of the story and its structure, but I really couldnt grasp the tense emotion and anger of the character. There IS a display of emotion but I cannot percieve it. But it just might be me as well.
Also, like someone mentioned above, the climbing was a bit...confusing and I coulndt really visualise the enviorment in which the character was in.
Everything went black. I dont like this sentence. Somehow, I have this...hatred of some sorts for overly used sentences. Not hatred per say, I just...dislike it.
Now onto the good stuff...
I like how God is mentioned in the story. It shows that the character had a close and intimate relationship with the divine as much as it had with his father. Also the setting is wonderful. Dark, gloomy, forbidding. Not like the usual ship-wreck-sunny-beach-survivor area thing. Also, I like the idea of how some things are deliberatly not mentioned. It makes the reader waste valuable brain cells thinking of what has happen or what might have happened. Which is a great trick in my opinion.
Yeah, Myth is an awesome critiquer, isn't she? But I notice you didn't say anything about my critiquing powers/usefulness.....*grumblegrumble* No worries. Just wanted to pop by and see if you'd written more--keep it coming! oh, and as to what Incan said about the ending--when I first read it I was a little like "huh, no hitting the ground? just blacking out?" but I naturally assumed it had value in the next chapter--so if it does, deffinately keep it.
Oh, note: I have integrated your and Myth's catches into my master copy of Gypsie Eyes, just have to transfer them over here now (bloody, bloody speech!) Look for them soon, as well as Chapter 4 (featuring the wonderful Boom! )
Ta, darling, keep up the good work!
Thanks for the critique! You're one of my favorite critiquers and I always look forward to your posts when you read my stuff.
About the 'hardship' thing. It actually would be kept separating because hard is describing the 'ship labor', if it was how you put it than it wouldn't make sense. I'm thinking about changing that though.
As for the ending that you didn't like...ahh dang, I actually liked the ending a lot. The reason I did the whole, 'everything went black...', part was because it leads up to something. I had to add in that little line or the beginning of the next chapter would more than likely confuse the reader. I did think about ending it like you said where he just loses his grip, but this way I think is the only way the beginning of the next chapter will make sense. I'm sorry you didn't like it
Myth!
Thanks for the critique! You're one of my favorite critiquers and I always look forward to your posts when you read my stuff. About the 'hardship' thing. It actually would be kept separating because hard is describing the 'ship labor', if it was how you put it than it wouldn't make sense. I'm thinking about changing that though.
As for the ending that you didn't like...ahh dang, I actually liked the ending a lot. The reason I did the whole, 'everything went black...', part was because it leads up to something. I had to add in that little line or the beginning of the next chapter would more than likely confuse the reader. I did think about ending it like you said where he just loses his grip, but this way I think is the only way the beginning of the next chapter will make sense. I'm sorry you didn't like it
Yea! I'm glad you noticed that it wasn't an infodump and that it was to the point. I've really been trying to work on concentrating on the things that move the story forward.
Yes, a lot of people have been commenting on how they like that I'm adding God. The actual world is still fictional, but anyways you will just have to read more of the story.
Thanks again Myth!
Green = Comment/Correction
Black = Review
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I rose bitterly and white flashed across my body as lightning streaked through the sky. I was young, but the briny air had hardened my skin, and my muscles were tough from hard ship labor.
The sky was above me, yet I wasn’t moving. Is this what death feels like, I wondered. Then it hit me, I was in-between the two faces.
It felt as if my very soul were being ripped from me, and then through it all, a strange feeling crept into my heart, something indescribable.
Incan~ Hey thanks man for coming and critiquing, I appreciate your opinion! I will definitely look over the tempo or pace of the piece and see what things take away from it, like you said. But there is a difference between poetry and novels on pace, and so I may not find what you possibly did. Hopefully I will be able to improve it though!
Thanks for the compliment on the cliffhanger. Actually I was surprised you said that it took too long to build up to it, I thought it was rather short and perhaps needed to be increased in the events that happened on the cliff up until then. Interesting opinion!
Anyways thanks again!
Tazy~ Hey thanks for coming and commenting. I'm glad you liked it so much and thanks for the compliments!
Beyond fantastic, you write beyond your age. I loved the imagry it made the story come alive. I was on the edge of my seat. keep writing your going to go far I wish I had your talent.
aeroman--
I will leave the lbl comments to the above readers and surely the ones to follow.
As I read this, though, I had some first impression edits that you're free to incorporate or dump.
What strikes me here how the 'tempo' of the piece is being sacrificed to what I would call extraneous commentary. When you weigh the totality of what is happening against the attendant commentary, I think you're overweighted in the latter category. For example, I think more words are offered here describing the sobbing, crying and pain felt by the narrator, what the weather is doing, etc...I'm not sure this informs the story or moves it forward.
I think you have a clever 'punch-line' here, or at least a good cliff-hanger, but at least for this reader the set-up is too long to sustain the effect.
I'm no fiction writer. So take my comments with a huge grain of salt. But I can remember a professor of mine who once told me that everyone believes "In a short story, if a word or sentence is not absolutely crucial to the telling of the tale, it should be discarded. Novelists on the other hand can indulge a more winding aesthetic" when really it is no different from short-story to novelists.
I have since been quite a believer in partitioning segments of poetry or fiction that are not absolutely required to the wastebin.
That's my $.02, anyway.
All the best,
Brad
Yea! More critiques! Thank you all so so much!
Metalhead~ In answer to your question about his motives...His motives are that he wants to find his Father and well surive. Basically he is trapped on the shore and his only escape route is the cliffs. Maybe I need to convey that better? I thought I did, but possibly not. I'll look it over again and do some thinking. Thanks for the comments!
Claudette~ Um, I'm not sure when you read it? The Gyrfalcon edits were comma placements and a couple of awkward phrasings. I had sent it to her before I posted, she has been a solid wonderful supporter!
Okay, the telling thing. Yeah, I tried to do more showing, but it is hard when you're trying to explain the guy solo climbing these enormous cliffs. I will look it over some more though and see if I can improve on that though! Always room for improvement!
And yes you will learn more about the character's motives as the story progresses.
Don't worry your critique wasn't inferior, I will look over the story for the showing vs telling issue. Thanks again!
Gyrfalcon~ Yea! I'm so glad you that you loved it! It makes me all happy inside hearing these positive comments! haha, thank you for the suggestions, consider them done.
The only ones I kept was the tense one and the both wind and water alike. I guess its a preference, I personally think they sound better like that. But I may change them if more people mention them. Thank you for bringing them up, I noticed them before you mentioned, and so did my word processor! haha
Thank-you all again so much for the suggestions! Keep checking for further installments!
~Aero
w00tw00t!!! awesomeness, Aero, totally loved it! THIS is what you're capable of, right here!!!!! I really, really got into it this time, got a real sense of your charecter and the talent you really do have. Just a few teeny, tiny suggestions, and these are all miniscule in the face of the total coolness I have just read:
both wind and water alike.
“Trapped, worse than a stag surrounded by wolves. I’m stuck on this God-forsaken beach. No food. No water!” I picked up a shell, chucking it into the sea, as I screamed at no one but the waves.
Fingering it, small tears rolled from my eyes.
handhold by handhold step by step.
a little too eager with the comma killing here, darling, you need one between the second “handhold” and the first “step”—I blame myself for that, sorry!Glancing across the night sky, I was afraid to look down.
I lunged myself painfully forward. Each move more dangerous than the next.
How could I come this far, be this close, and now I am just a few feet from freedom and I cannot reach it.
wow, that was really good! was this the after gyrfalcons edits? I'm not sure what to point out as 'bad' I actually liked it a lot. There was one thing I noticed though. In some places you did a lot of telling rather than showing.
For instance, here:
I don't know if this was the place, but somewhere in there I thought 'that's a lot of telling' of course the guy is climbing a cliff...The rocky giant loomed above me like an unconquered demon as I stepped closer. I had scaled many cliffs back home; this should be no different. Or so I thought.
Reaching up, I gripped along a cleft. It snaked its way up and I went slowly, handhold by handhold step by step. I clung like a babe to a mother, my very life held in the jaws of this rock.
I panted as I pulled myself onto a slim shelf. Every muscle in my body trembled, wet with perspiration. Glancing across the night sky, I was afraid to look down.
Soon all crags were lost as I started my ascent once again. I stood along a shallow ledge staring at a chimney with two flat faces, about two feet wide on each side and three feet across.
and that he finds his father! or we learn why he's searching.
It all looks about good to me. The climbing thing was a little confusing, made me wonder what his motives were...but it's late here so maybe I missed something...
And I did like the use of thunder when God was involved.
So overall it was pretty cool.
-MH
Yea! I'm glad you liked it more this time. I have major comma problems. Either I don't have one where it should be, or I have one where it shouldn't be. I'm cursed! 
lol. I've made all those changes you mentioned, thank-you so much for critiquing it! I appreciate your support more than you know.
~Aero
Muchmuchmuchmuchmuch better! You did an excellent job of getting rid of your -ing phrases soft spot, a very good job. Now, onto that comma's soft spot:
Rising bitterly, white flashed across my body as lightning streaked through the sky.
I hung my head, as I walked across the shore.
“Trapped, worse than a stag surrounded by wolves. I’m stuck on this God-forsaken beach. No food. No water. The sea behind me, and these stupid cliffs in front of me!”
hoping to bore holes into Heaven
when…”
Again, the thunder rolled, cutting me off.
My eyes lit up and a smile crept up my lips, “Maybe, all isn’t lost.”
I had scaled many cliffs back home this should be no different
It snaked its way up, and I went slowly, handhold, by handhold, step, by step.
Suddenly, my foot slipped on the water-drowned shelf, screaming I covered my eyes.
Then I looked about, I was caught in-between the two faces!
I needed to use them to launch myself upward!
against the other, I lunged myself painfully forward. Each move more dangerous than the next.
I found myself grinning
Kill. The. Commas.My lungs burned, like fire in my chest, as I breathed heavily
Sweat dripped profusely from every pore of my skin
It rhymes. Can you possibly do something about that—it’s distracting.Everything blurred before me as time passed ever so slowly.
I knew not how long I was up there
It was dark, and
Fast, was I running out of edges wide enough for my feet, and I found myself constantly on my toes.
was stuck, flat against
Slowly, they fluttered open, and roved about the rock searching frantically.
“No!” I pounded the rock angrily.
present tense, all of a sudden here.now I am just a few feet from freedom and I cannot reach it.
perforated my mind
Raising my head, a glimmer shone in my eyes
Time froze for that one second in time as my legs
burned torturously
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