Cameron

Come near to me, I want your skin To slide on mine like it was sin. Lay next to my naked frame And know you needn’t any shame. [I find ...

the fruit flies from the cold metal fortresses, these creatures to which with dangling legs die, gushing their soul over salmon tongues... This is convoluted. teeth tiny, white, I don't ...

I find that this is all over the place. Decide on an approach to your topic and then pursue it proficiently and cleverly. Poetry does not consist of unmethodical information ...

There is potential here, but the way you list each individual line as a seperate idea deters from the flow. You must correlate your ideas so throughout the course of ...

The concept you have chosen has the makings of poetry, but I find that what you have produced is perfunctory at best. Throw in some insightful metaphors, similes, and clever ...

"We matter." I'll let you believe in a God tonight, for I wish your mortal eyes aware. These two lines throw me slightly. I see that you are using them ...

black balloons burst splattering (spraying?) sin all over this D-day parade, where we march, skulls on baton heads, our bloodshot eyes begging "heaven ly light, fall down on me." Trapped ...

I really enjoyed this. One suggestion: I found the section refering to the mans abuse was rushed in light of its profound effect on him. But after the tapes, everything ...

I felt that you rushed this. Is there any particular reason why you have the beginning of each line capitalized? This is ackward: I am sorry for when it stabs ...

I'm not sure about the simplistic style format--but to each his own. As for in-line suggestions: silence when I dream Perhaps it is just me, but silent dreams is a ...

I like this. The only problem I have is with this: Do you understand your heroism? That need for glory burning in your gut like fire, incense and tracer bullets ...

The overuse of commas and the list format is wearing on the eyes. The format is indicative that this is neither a letter nor a poem, but rather a cluster ...

Do we sing? No. Here you say we do not sing. What is our song? The words that form the worlds. But here you indicate that we do sing. Which ...

Personally, I enjoyed the dream sequence. However, if you feel the story has moved away from that and the dream sequence would only go to distract from the storyline, that's ...

Nice piece. I particularily enjoyed your word selection in reference to the poem’s context (emoceans was clever). As for constructive criticism, the one thing I felt that distracted me from ...