Lonely
Write a poem that brings me
warmth
in december
friends
in a school day
silence
when I dream
send me thoughts
I can hold to
phrases
I can dwell on
words
that make me whole
again
Hold my hand for
a day
a month, a year
a lifetime
give me a purpose
and name it
love.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Yes, I think everything has been said here.
I actually liked the ending, I thought it was a nice way to end a poem. I liked the structure, especially the first verse where it seams you ask for something then use a new line to give the object.
Very nice.
I like the first and second stanzas a lot. They conjured up a lot of different images for me and had catchy rhythms.
However, I felt slightly let down when I came to the last stanza. It was like eating an ice cream only to find you have finally come to the cone. It's never as good!
What I mean is that while the first two stanzas flowed really well, this last stanza kind of broke the pattern. It just sounds strange when you say it out loud, and it didn't flow to a beat like most poems do.
Bear in mind that this is only my opinion, and it is a really good poem. Not to sound like a teacher, but I look forward to reading future works!
I'm not sure about the simplistic style format--but to each his own. As for in-line suggestions:
Perhaps it is just me, but silent dreams is a rather redundant request. The majority of dreams occur in silence, as I assume you are asleep while you dream. And if you are referring to the dream itself, why would you want a silent dream? I would suggest using a different word.
S2 wanders from the setup of your past stanzas. It's setup is the inverse of S1.
As for the last stanza, my suggestion is to somehow re-format it into one stanza. Cheers,
Cameron
this is clever. it has deeper meanings etc. loved it.
Hello! I'm don't have a lot of practice critiquing poetry, I hope you don't mind.
December is a proper noun, and should be capitalized.
This poem is kind of sweet, but it didn't really captivate me. It would be really cool if you could add some images to acompany the emotions you've described, and tell a little more of a story. It seems more about the end of loneliness than about being lonely.
I don't really like the way some words have lines of their own and others are all by themselves. It makes it seem kind of random.
My favorite part is this:
words
that make me whole
again
I like how it's not talking about kisses or anything, just words. That's sweet.
This part doesn't seem like it has any purpose apart from leading into the ending.
Hold my hand for
a day
a month, a year
a lifetime
Also, why does a hand need purpose? I'd think you were talking about a heart, maybe, or a brain.
Good luck!
I like it very much. It flows so beautifully and I like the way it repeats. The first 3 lines are especially pretty.
My only suggestion is that you change the title. "Lonely" seems like a rather uncreative, cliche title. See if you can come up with something more intriguing, something that draws the reader in.
Otherwise, very nice work on this.
Keep writing! ^_^
My thoughts differ quite a lot on this. I really can't decide if I like it or not. Few pointers though..
these two lines kind of throw off the stanza...everything else starts with a one word line and ends with a multi-word line, this one ends with a one word line.
The bolded line is odd here too...I would make that two lines to keep with the style. This stanza is also very different from the first two.
I think the ending might be too mushy for what you have built it up to be, if that makes sense. I don't know, I'm having issues with the ending haha.
Happy Editing!
Meg
I really like this, it's very sincere and a nice rhythm. well done!!!
I like this poem a lot. It's short and simple and very modest. I particularly like the images conjured up by the first stanza. I had a very clearly defined vision of the setting and narrator. Well done.