When I was five
I used to see
Boys as disgusting as dead birds
And the also had cooties
Then when I turned eight
I started to realize
Those boys were so much more
Than what I had saw in them before
Suddenly time passes
Now I’m thirteen
And I have the most handsome boyfriend
I have ever seen
I think back to
When I was five
I can’t believe I thought boys were gross
Because right now they are the subject of my life
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Canary word: Present
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ok, i liked two main things. the concept behind this is good, it could have been excellent.
and also, i like how the first verse uses "cute" words, like cooties etc, which makes the poem seem young, however as the person in the poem grows older, better words are used showing better age.
however, i didnt think it was brilliantly written in the terms of giving imagery and flow. it could have been great, but i dont think it quite got there.
The concept you have chosen has the makings of poetry, but I find that what you have produced is perfunctory at best. Throw in some insightful metaphors, similes, and clever analogies and you may produce something more captivating. I suggest you review the fundamentals of poetry and perhaps reflect on the poetry written by some of the more experienced writers on this site. Cheers,
Cameron
I like the concept.. but i think you need to add more like one or two more stanzas to get the reader more interested. I agree with the people above too. you do to add punctuation. It helps the poem flow
I agree with this, it didnt seem to flow and the concept was a little random.
Please don't take offensive about what i am going to say the poem has a nice concept but it seems a bit simple and lacks intrigue, that is only my oppinion it didn't work for me. Good use of showing progress through time.
THEY not the.
... Yay.
thanks u guys!
this helps me lots!
haha..
i love the first stanza.
the idea's pretty neat and you have written it very nicely.
As Claudette has already pointed out, the 'bird' need to be plural-ized and you really need to put in the punctuations—thay are really important.
and capitalize you're title or else it doesn't look good at all.
It's a cute idea, but there are some things that could be fixed up.
Boys are plural, so "bird" should be plural.They rhyming was cute, but you should try to have rhythm. Rhythm is where your lines have the same number of syllables, people usually make the lines that rhyme also have rhythm, it creates flow within a poem.
Punctuate your poetry, imagine poetry as real sentences and that will make it better. Punctuation shows the reader where to stop, pause, and where to continue.
Hope this helped!