Act of Love

Interesting twist there at the end. I thought it was just going to be a poem about sex, but instead it was between brother and sister. hmm...

Clau,


re: "Does any one have any suggestions as to HOW I can go about doing this?"

First, you should have one.

Second, write. Write and write and write.


Best,
Brad

I'm all on your side I'm poetic (And I don't even completly agree with that) but I need to work on my ideas. I need to find a better muse.

I'm hoping to up my poetry's "point" soon.

Does any one have any suggestions as to HOW I can go about doing this?

No offense Clau, but I kind of have to agree with Incan here. While you clearly have a strong poetic voice and an excellent style (I especially like the smoothness of the rhyming), the poem itself fell a bit flat in my opinion. Granted, the "brother" line did make me snap to attention and blink for a while, but it doesnt hold up under a second reading. Perhaps it is that couplet-style (and rhyming poetry in general) has a tendency to be sing-song-esque which seems to trivialize the subject matter; perhaps it is simply that the poem is too bald and devoid of poetic device for my taste. I'm not sure. It just seems to rely too much on shock value and too little on its own...weight/description/structure. It doesnt have anything to say beyond the fact that it is talking about incest, and while it's very clever, I just cant see why I should read it, if you know what I mean. As Incan said, what is the point here?

Clau,


Shock value can be used appropriately.

This is not such a case.

You demonstrate a good handle on the English language and rhythm, but you simply fail to deliver a punch (except incest, which any Nabokov-fan has already experienced in a more clever and erudite way).

So, let me ask you, what's the point?


Best,
Brad

WOW, was this little girl getting raped by her brother? I may be extremely wrong or I could be right I have no shame about it. Well I love it all the same, it was very deep and the rhyming and timing was excellent. Great job.

You know how it gets when you sort of scan a poem without caring much? Most of the poem was that way (very very good, but nothing that kept me hanging on every word) and then I saw the word 'brother'. My eyes snapped immediately to the words. Wow! Creepy.

The only critique I have is that the first part offers no immediate reason why I should be interested. It has been done many times before. Try inserting something to make the reader fascinated, make them want to get to end and read the chilling line that changes everything.

Brava.

Come near me, I want your skin

To slide on mine like it was sin.

And know you needn’t any shame.

I agree with Snoink, it sound exceedingly feminine. I also am unsure why you choose "brother", as usually the father figure is the favorite, since it tends to have more gravity.

L3 needs another syllable.

Despite this, I enjoyed the brevity and almost bald mood that this piece had. The tone is well managed. Congrats

Hahaha... um... doesn't work. It sounds like a girl wrote it.

And don't ask me why it sounds like that... wait... I'll ask Grif.

Yep. He says it sounds like a girl wrote it too.

After some discussion:

Don't be so dramatic in an elegant way. It doesn't go with the male voice and, though there's a surprise at the end, it doesn't hold on rereading. Read some poetry by men and see how they deal with it.

Hope that helps!

Thanks Chandni

It was funny to you? O.o

And, since you mentioned Lev and Fleur, that makes me think of Felicion and Fleur *giggles*

I'm still working on that one line.

All comments are still welcome.

Claudette wrote:Act of Love

Come near me, I want your skin
To slide on mine like it was sin.
Lay next to my naked frame
And know you needn’t any shame.
Come closer still, I need your heat.
I want to play beneath the sheets.
Then, when she began to speak,
Our act of love began to peak.
“Brother, please, stop hurting me!”
I thrust once more, then let her free.

woah! No arguing in my thread or I will have a Mod hunt you down and kill you!

Anyway, Cameron, thanks for the add ins, I'll take a look.

I'm not judging her. I don't do that. I simply stated how I felt. If I hurt anyone in any way, I'm sorry.

Piepiemann,

One of the major fundamental principles that you must learn as a writer is too never, repeat never, judge the writer by what they have written. It is the mark of a great writer to be able to accurately explore topics that are outside their range of experience and knowledge and do so effectively. Cheers,

Cameron

The writing and flow is good. But I don't like the poem all that much. I don't see how someone could write a poem like that. Then again everyone is different. It was your choice to write this poem so I wont hunt you for that. You have skill in poetry though.

Come near to me, I want your skin
To slide on mine like it was sin.
Lay next to my naked frame
And know you needn’t any shame. [I find this awkward, not sure exactly how else you could put it though]Come closer still, I need your heat.
I want to play beneath the sheets.
Then, when she began to speak,
Our act of love began to peak.
“Brother, please, stop hurting me!”
I thrust once more, then let her free.

Some preliminary revisions. Cheers,

Cameron

its great, i love it very much

no, doesn't go as well with the line before. previously, it ran into each other as one subject. but now it jumps a little, and its not as good. i'd rather see a change to the original than a new line altogether. in fact, i think this is even harder to read than the first.

Thank Adam, Leon, and MC

I changed the line, I think it works better now. But what do the almighty critiquers think?

the poem was great. there were little bits which didn't flow at all, and felt really strange to read. i think Adam got the main one. perhaps losing the word "young" would be better. it needs a syllabal taking out

the topic was excellent, i don't think i've seen poems dealing with incest. good, original poem, and very very shocking!

Wow - the rhyme was beautiful and the ending was simply shocking!


THis line:
And want our young bodies to meet.

Seemed odd and a little unflowing.

Great poem

*eyes widen at incest* like the poem! the topic is odd but i like the writing

Thanks for all the comments, and I made the changes mentioned!

But I'd certainly like more opinions.

I agree with DD about the length--it's perfectly fine for this poem.

And Clau! Weren't you just saying a few months ago that you can't write or crit poetry? Because both this and Child are excellent. Really.

And as for the content...it's weird to say it, but these kind of things are my style. I like to read--and write--about those taboo things.

I actually preferred this to child: it was short, sweet, and shocking; perfect.

Nice work, Clau.

Good rhyme scheme, Clau, it's quite solid and reads well. I don't think the length is a problem at all, to be honest - it's just as long as it needs to be and it gets the point across sufficiently. To make it any longer would, I think, detract from the general shocking and relatively raw feel of the poem. (For this sort of thing, I'm pretty sure you want shocking and raw - it reads well as it is, I would not advise tacking anything else on, really. ^_~)

As to the content, it as - as mentioned before - rather shocking. But it sticks with the reader afterwards, hard to get out of the mind. There, it succeeds as poem. Good job, Clau. ^_^

Though, for fun, I can't resist - the stuff of nightmares, Imp said; it's so. Very creepy concept... not creepy, what's the word? Also (don't hit me XD) Rammstein-esque. ^_^ This is the kind of thing you read when you listen to a song in German...

... and you think "Oh, that sounds so pretty"...

.... and you go onto herzeleid.com to read the translation...

... and what to your wondering eyes should appear?...

... the above poem. XD 'Tis so very Lindemann. ^_~

It's a weird poem, Clau, a creepy poem. But it sticks with the reader - and that's what any writer aims for, I suppose. ^_^ Good job on the writing Clau. I'm never reading your poetry again. (Joking, joking... )

apart from it being insest, which is disgusting, it was really well written, excellent descriptions and it flowed too, in my opinion.

Oo

I'm going to be critiquing a lot of creepy poetry for this next month, aren't I?

I actually think this poem flows better than child, and while, as I said there, I liked the couplet format, I prefer this; it seems much more cohesive. I only have a few specific critiques for this one--

Come closer, I need your heat

Come closer still, I need your heat.

"Brother, please, stop hurting me!"

Err....*Goes swirly eyes at the incest*

Yet, I like it. Man I'm a twisted wierdo. I liked the rhyming and the way the exclamation from the sister displays what's really going on. Well done! I think I got slightly nauseous reading it XD