THE MOUNTAIN
At evening, something behind me.
I start for a second, I blench,
or staggeringly halt and burn.
I do not know my own age.
In the morning it is different.
An open book confronts me,
too close to read in comfort.
--
pls read part zero as an explanation to this project, it might not make sense otherwise (ik i sound like a broken record, sorry abt that)
--
THE MOUNTAIN
At evening, something behind me.
I start for a second, I blench,
or staggeringly halt and burn.
I do not know my own age.
In the morning it is different.
An open book confronts me,
too close to read in comfort.
But I cannot move away,
For it is too dark to read from afar.
I could wait, of course,
For the daylight to stream in through the window,
But I am impatient,
And do not wish to wait.
So I keep going, reading on.
The book tells me of adventures.
The tales of Good and Evil.
And how they are not always that.
A demonic king longing for peace,
A hero’s right hand yearning to kill.
The Hero’s and The King’s people have been at war for centuries,
But not all is lost.
A last resort, his final stand.
The King and The Hero,
They stand on the mountain’s peak,
As The King gives his life for peace.
Who would have thought?
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Canary word: Present
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Hi there, mint here for a review! ^-^ I’ve read the previous parts as well, and this definitely sounds like a neat creative exercise! The original poem seems like a great choice to do this with too— there isn’t one clear line of thought (at least that I’ve seen so far), so I feel like there’s a lot of potential to come up with different possibilities for the continuation of the given lines. Anyways, onto some specifics of this poem…
Hmm, I like this connection to the book! It’s quite a smooth transition from the previous lines C: There’s just one tiny thing I’d like to point out— I was a bit startled by the use of the word “window,” because I was under the impression that this was sort of nature-themed? Like, I was picturing a book in a mountain cave or something xD If you want to keep the word “window,” it’s completely up to you! I just thought that was a little bit jarring to me. :]
I noticed a repetition of “wait” with here and a previous line, and I think the poem could flow just as well with the deletion of “And do not wish to wait.” (The impatience of the narrator is already made clear in the previous line.) Just my opinion, though!
Ooh I like this idea of a peaceful demon king and a violent hero! It’s a nice twist on a cliche C: Honestly, I’d really enjoy reading an expanded version of this idea, with the demon king as the protagonist or something!
Okay, this is just a super tiny nitpick, but I’d appreciate it if the king and hero were mentioned in order, so it’s a bit clearer! So, it would be like: “The King’s and The Hero’s people…” But feel free to ignore this! It’s purely my personal preference xD
Overall, it was a pleasure to read this, and I wish you the best of luck with continuing this project! Keep writing, and I hope you have a wonderful day/night!! =D
Wow! I'm intrigued! I'm here for a short review because I'm in a hurry.
This is my favorite part:
I also love the King and The Hero aspect. You also gave us a bit of a cliffhanger here:
I love it!
This was an interesting poem, I will definitely read more!
-Sincerely, Mingan
Follow your heart, and nothing will go wrong. (Concerning writing.)