prompt:
THE MOUNTAIN
At evening, something behind me.
I start for a second, I blench,
--
(I highly recommend checking out number 0 for an explanation of the project)
(do it, otherwise some things wont make sense)
--
At evening, something behind me.
I start for a second, I blench,
In front of me, a labyrinth,
In the middle is a trench.
You tried to kill me
A poisoned peach,
To make me die,
But I won’t fight,
I will not cry,
For there’s no chance I wont survive
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'Ello there!
This line just occurred and never appeared to finish. It's more of a sentence particle than an actual line due to there being no movement after the "behind me," which technically also makes that unreliable from a grammar standpoint.
I can imagine that adding on "there was" would repair that problem, but I'm not sure if that's the application you were going for with that. If I'm right, adding some kind of action after that would be nice. It wouldn't need to be a whole scene, but a slight alteration would create some suspense to draw readers in.
At first, I didn't know what "blench" meant. It's nice to write about something and have unique words, but I personally think if your poem isn't ironically about having to search up words like that, readers needing to do that is a not great thing.
I do understand why it's there, though.
I love some labyrinth imagery in poetry because it's adaptable to anything; dreams, actual labyrinths, etc. I often use words like "labyrinthine" for that same reason, so at this moment in reading, I was very invested in what you were going to continue on with.
The "to make me die" is slightly off sounding? I think most poisoned things are meant to harm people, so adding that extra line is rather useless because it doesn't help the scene any more than just saying "fatal poison" would.
I think scrapping the poison or scrapping the "to make me die" would make that area read smoother than it would now.
And that's it ~ good job!
C
uhhh please check out the project explanation, it will explain the first couple lines
I did actually ~ that's why I said "I understand why it's there," but I decided to point those out in case you ever wanted to revise in the future. I believe that helps people due to it forming a bigger picture, even if they are restrained to a format / few lines.
This collection of poetic narratives is so creative. A lot goes on about the mountain and it is enthralling to see what shall happen to the speaker as the scenario changes each time. In this particular piece, I do wish there was a little more detail surrounding what is taking place. Perhaps, some elaboration about the labyrinth, the trench, or the peach would do. Emotions within the poem have become darker as what was once a risky adventure appears much more life threatening. This alteration in mood makes the poem stand apart from others in this series and hence, gives it a strong personality.