The Mountain (5)

Hey zekcede! Zenith here for a short review.

I would start by saying that all of the useful suggestions I had to offer(which weren't much to begin with) had already been covered in the other review. Instead, I'll give you a brief idea of what I understood from it and how the storyline can be improved since it's definitely a narrative poem.

My interpretation-
Our narrator wakes up in a moonlit deserted city with no memories of anything from before. The land that stretched out in front of him was silent and devoid of human life. The narrator journeys across the city in hopes of finding some clue about what to do next, but he finds nothing. Even the clocks have gone mute.

Suggestions:
Now up to this point, the flow and setting are all good. But then you end the poem abruptly. I do not know if you intend to continue with this poem in the next part or if it will be a completely new one. If it's the former, I would suggest you end this poem on a cliffhanger to hook the reader's attention (perhaps in his quest, he encounters something strange or something that triggers his memory etc.) and then continue with it in the next part. But if the next poem you write will be completely unrelated to this, then I suggest you work on this poem and build it into a proper story. The one lacks a plot. Fill in the details (why is the protagonist here, what happened in this city, does he have any particular goals etc.) Right now, all we have is a person walking about in a deserted city.

It's obviously up to you whether you want to take my suggestions. Either way, you have done a good job on the prompt. I look forward to more of your works.
Happy writing!

Hi there, stygianmoon17 here for a review

let me start by stating I haven't read the precedent chapters, except for chapter 0 as well, you said it was crucial to understanding what this poem is.

"At evening, something behind me.

I start for a second, I blench,

or staggeringly halt and burn.

I do not know my own age."

Sooo this is the beginning.. hmm interesting... I think it might be a poem by Elizabeth Bishop that me and my class analysed not too long ago. But I'm not sure. It's an interesting debut.

You have some motivation to write almost the same poem all the time xD I would've been bored out of my skull at the second re-write, but hey, it's nice as we can see the progress as you slowly uncover each line.


Your transitions are great !
For a "professional" poem, when you added your part, I barely even noticed it as it went hand in hand with the beginning. Such as in

"I do not know my own age.

Nor do I know my name,

Or how long I have been here.

I do not know where is here,"

If you hadn't told me that the beginning was from another poet, I would've never noticed. Both the poet's and your style really fusion well together.


One thing I found out of place was this though:

No better do I know the year.

I woke up below the moon,

A city that must have been prosperous to grow to such a size,

A city that must have been prosperous to grow to such a size,