Prompt:
THE MOUNTAIN
At evening, something behind me.
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(i highly recommend checking out number zero as an explanation)
(do it, otherwise some things wont make sense)
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THE MOUNTAIN
At evening, something behind me.
In the morning, something ahead.
Dawn to afternoon to dusk,
My shadow lies in my stead.
~
I see the mountain’s peak before me
From it rapids running clear
Rivers, brooks, and creeks, and streams,
Almost crystalline appear
~
As I look on, I glimpse a trail
The end of which I cannot see
But tens of hundreds of thousands of soles
Were naught if not before me.
~
As I move toward the trail
I hear a rustling on my left
The human-like creature in the brush
Looks quite capable of theft
~
“A visitor to see the king?
Do tell me where it is you’re from.
Would you like a cup of tea?
Or perhaps a glass of rum?”
~
The creature stands at three-foot three
And has a glimmer in his eye
The hobbit thing crept up to me
This humid day in mid-July
~
“This king you speak of, who is he
I have not met his majesty
I came for rocks and lakes and trees,
But I shan’t turn down royalty”
~
“Come,
I’ll take you to his eminence
He’ll give you books and clothes and tea.
Address him by his elegance,
Or off with neck and head you’ll be.“
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140,073 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
Hi again! ^^
I really like your starting line here. I believe I've read about how the lines keep getting chosen by your English tutor as you continue writing each part, which seems very complicated from a technical standpoint to me. I do think that you made the rest of the poem work with the line you've been given though, because I wasn't doubting much.
I am a little confused about the language and wording choices towards the beginning because of the chopped up feeling I get. I believe the first stanza of a poem introduces the setting better than anywhere else, which is mainly because of the positioning, of course. If that setting is introduced well, it can change the whole poem.
I also want to point out that this is very dialogue heavy. I've seen that style work well in narrative and more fantasy themed poetry, so it's nowhere near impossible to pull off with the right preparation. I do think there is a point where the dialogue begins to feel forced to keep a formatting style though, and this feels like that currently.
Speaking of formatting things, the ending having one extra line is different than the other stanzas. Change is not at all a bad thing, and it can actually help a poem in some situations. The genre and voice of this poem sticks to this strict atmosphere in my mind because of several signs, so the change has little to no good effect.
These are all my opinions though, so feel free to throw away anything you disagree with and use whatever you believe will help! ^^
the lines given to me are from an actual poem called "The Mountain" By Elizabeth Bishop, but I am not allowed to read the poem until the project is over.
The playful dialogue and rhyme scheme in this poem is terribly delightful. I love how a story is developing. Clearly, a lot of effort and care was put into selecting certain words for this conversation and additionally, suspense is added as we wonder what awaits the tale's protagonist with the King ahead. There is an easy flow to the words and the stanzas are organized well. I'm so excited to find out more!
Hey, Pineapple here for a review!
First, excellent word choice. You didn't say something like "to his house" you used a word that I hadn't even heard of!
I like how your poem was story-like. I also enjoyed the dialogue within it as well. I hope you keep writing and I'm excited to see more of your work.
Signed,
Pineapple
"His eminence" is a title, just like "your majesty"