prompt:
THE MOUNTAIN
At evening, something behind me.
I start for a second, I blench,
or staggeringly halt and burn.
I do not know my own age.
In the morning it is different.
An open book confronts me,
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please read part zero as an explanation and an introduction to the project. The whole prompt setup may not make sense if you don't, so please read it for context.
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THE MOUNTAIN
At evening, something behind me.
I start for a second, I blench,
or staggeringly halt and burn.
I do not know my own age.
In the morning it is different.
An open book confronts me,
Full of the things that I did not know,
And of the things I do not remember.
The rain falls,
And I do nothing.
After all, there is nothing to do.
Nothing to do but wait.
Wait for the sun, for the morning.
But it never comes.
I wait and wait and wait,
But just like a mountain,
It looms over you, huge and
Never growing closer.
A recollection is something lost and found.
It is, after all, called recollecting.
Collecting a memory,
Not for the first time,
But rather finding it once more.
Perhaps, one day, I shall know my age.
I shall ask about,
How should I do it?
Shall I walk up to a woman and ask
“Do you know my age?”
Or shall I walk up to a man and question
“How old am I?”
It may remain a question unanswered,
But still, I wonder,
If I shall ever know what became of me,
And of my memory,And of my past.
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140,079 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
Hey there! Plume here, with a review! I noticed your piece has been in the green room for over a month, so I decided to bump it out!
Ooh, I really liked this poem!! I think the way your poems have evolved as you get more of the poem is super interesting to track. It's super cool to see the different parts of the already established lines you choose to focus on. I think this poem might be my favorite out of the ones you've come up with, but they're all so good, honestly.
I think one of my favorite parts of the poem was when you said:
I thought it was just so beautifully written and phrased. I loved how you treated the word "recollection" and how you compared it to a lost and found. I think there was just something so deep and poetic about that part. It just really resonated with me. Nice work!
I also liked the overall flow of the poem. It felt very natural to me. It was free verse, so I feel like those are sometimes harder to keep consistent, but you did a really nice job on that. You managed to find a place between stiff (not flowy enough) and unprofessional (too flowy) that worked really nicely with your poem. Great job!
One thing I wondered about was why you chose to focus on the age line. The poem is called "the mountain," but in a lot of the poems of yours that I've read, you choose to focus on the forgetfulness of the narrator. This isn't a criticism; I'm just simply curious why you seem to always focus on that. I think you always do a great job of portraying the narrator's forgetfulness/confusion, but I'm curious to see how the poem might change if you decided to focus on the title or one of the other lines more.
Overall: really nice work! You've got a lot of talent, and I think that this poem really displays it. Keep up the good work. Until next time!
Hi zekcede!
I really loved this part because it sets the scene and gives the rest of the piece a very calm mood. However, I think the setup doesn't really follow the ideas of the original poem, just because in the beginning I get a sense of action and urgency instead of calm contemplation. However, if you're just taking the poem where you want to go then this probably isn't a problem.I've been reading your pieces but I haven't reviewed one yet, so I thought I'd take some time to do that
This part I don't think you can just freely change as easily, because in the original poem it states that it's already morning, but here you are still waiting for morning to come. If you are talking about the next morning, I think you might want to make it a little more clear by saying "tomorrow" instead of "morning".
This sudden change in topic didn't make sense to me, and almost seemed like a different poem. It eventually connects back to the "age" from the original poem, but I think you either need to choose between "age" and "morning" as focus points or add a couple of lines to make the transition smoother.
"I shall ask about" seemed more like a response to "How should I do it?" than a set up for the question. You could flip the two lines, or get rid of "I shall ask about" to help the poem flow more reasonably.
At first I was a little confused because I thought the narrator had read the book, but now I understand that the "And I do nothing" line means that the narrator never read the book. I'm wondering why the narrator doesn't want to read the book, especially if they want to know their age so badly. That might make an interesting plot-line if you choose to pursue it
Overall, I liked the contemplative tone you used to follow up the original poem. The metaphor of the mountain looming over us was a really cool way to describe waiting, and I think you did very well giving the poem a bit of an aimless feel throughout. Great job, and I can't wait to see the next part!
Happy Writing!
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening
This is an interesting piece. It speaks of being alone, but not lonely. It speaks of unanswerable questions, and of waiting for something that will never come. It is beautifully heartfelt, and inspires a sense of wonder in the reader.
The one and only critique I have is maybe breaking the stanzas up with a ~ or a *. It might make the whole poem seem less story-like, unless you were going for the uninterrupted flow. Just a thought.
I really liked the free-verse, because it gave a sense of freedom, and being untethered to anything, memory, family, or expectations. (not quite sure if "untethered" is a word, but I'm just going to roll with it)
I truly enjoyed your poem
-Lizzy