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16+

cliché yws story

by zaminami


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

once upon a time, there were five ywsers -- pizzaroll, demongoddess, snazzy, love, and darkpandemonium. these five joined in different times, in different years, even. they looked different, thought different, and wrote different. however, these five people had one thing in common:

they are all in... "the squad."

the squad is the most f a b u l o u s place on yws, except for demongoddess's wall, but we all know that. even though it technically doesn't exist yet, it will, and it will have an awesome name like "no idiot left behind" or "the reapers."

personally, i believe that "the reapers" should be the better name because i can create tHE coolest profile picture with it. i know, i know, it's being selfish, but personally, i think that this is pretty badass:

see? it's so badass that it makes the word look wimpy.

i also think that "no idiot left behind" calls us all idiots, and for the record, i have straight a's. i take it very seriously when i am called an idiot. so yes, it's offensive. if we're the reapers, then it sounds like that we're reaping souls and taking over the world. That is what i like to do best. also what love and darkpandemonuim do best.

then again, "no idiot left behind" does conceal our true intent to take over the world and reap souls, so i guess it would be acceptable? nah, it's still insulting to me and i have no self-confidence as it is.

this essay was brought to you by sleep deprivation, new year's eve, and a chocolate high.


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Wed Jan 10, 2018 1:18 am
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Kaylaa wrote a review...



Hi there DemonGoddess. I see that despite New Year's Eve come and gone, this happens to be sitting in the Green Room! There'll be a nice reflection now that a week and a couple days have passed, yes? Let's begin.

once upon a time, there were five ywsers -- pizzaroll, demongoddess, snazzy, love, and darkpandemonium. these five joined in different times, in different years, even. they looked different, thought different, and wrote different. however, these five people had one thing in common:

they are all in... "the squad."


I wanted to start out by saying that while I suppose I understand there being a lack of capitals and formal writing used as this is more on the lax side but on the other hand, I absolutely don't? The disregard for grammar rules makes the whole literary work have a careless tone and paints the picture to the reader that there's no real effort put into the writing of this. I understand that this is for fun and I'd even compare this to a Tagbook in a way--very light and not written for heavy plot. I'm going to suggest going in and making a quick edit with correct grammar rules because there's little reason not to and the time said objective consumes is less than five minutes.

This brings us to my next main stop on our metaphorical train station--as of now, I see this working better as a wall post for two reasons. The first? The length. There's only a couple paragraphs and there's not a whole lot of substance here--there's an alright concept here but I can see said-concept working better if this were in more formatted or written as a story. If you're going to write a...YWS fanfic (never thought I'd say that in my life) with yourself and a couple of friends as self-insert characters, add more in! Add a story if you want to go that route with the forming of The Reapers and their adventures.

All in all, I know this is more of a joke post and probably only written for the purpose of making a joke, though I can see this being more if you wanted to do that. As a short piece there's not a whole lot here for outsiders though I can see the appeal for you and the rest of this group. Is this kinda campy and easily dated? Sure, but I'm pretty sure you knew that going in. Finally, I also agree with @Evander and what he says in his own review because his points are sweet.

That's all I have to say about this, Demon! If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask. I hope I helped and have a nice day!




zaminami says...


I barely even remember writing this and making that pfp hahaha. I was on a severe chocolate high (two double chocolate pieces of cake, three cookies, more chocolate bars than I can count) so that's probably why its so bad XD



Kaylaa says...


Ohhh, I get that, haha. :p



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Wed Jan 10, 2018 12:24 am
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Evander wrote a review...



Hey, DemonGoddess! It's Evander here for a quick review. Before I start, I will preface my review with this: I appreciate what you're trying to write here.

I will be perfectly honest here, I'm not even sure what's expected of me in terms of going about how to critique this. In terms of the story, it doesn't really have one; if I were to treat it as an essay, like the category it was placed in implies, then I'd have to say that it's not really coherent enough to be considered that. The humor aspect is probably enjoyable for the people who are in on the inside joke, but it's not in the most welcoming format for other readers.

To put this simply, if your audience was just you and your friends, why post it for outside critique? Not to say that YWS jokes are terrible and shouldn't be posted, I believe quite the opposite of that; there are plenty of works referencing inside jokes and conversations on YWS -- dares, trends, etc -- but they're also written in a way that is accessible for a larger audience to enjoy the work itself. Heck, I've even written works like this myself with my friends. I've also reviewed and shredded works like this that my friends have written. If you'd like some links, let me know and I'd be happy to supply them.

Again, as far as an essay goes, I don't think it serves its purpose. Like I mentioned previously, it doesn't explain or build upon what the squad really is or what The Reapers do. The squad is the most fabulous place on YWS, but what evidence does the essay give us to support that? There's no citation, the conclusion feels weak, and it's incredibly ramble-y in terms of subject.

The large image in the middle of the work serves to break up the flow, so I'd suggest probably decreasing the size by half or even maybe by 2/3rds.

I feel like this might be better suited in the short story category, given the title. The beginning to this work is "once upon a time" all after all, which is definitely more cliché for short stories than it is for an essay. Then again, as aforementioned, this doesn't really have much plot or character, so perhaps placing it in the "other" category would be even better.

As for the lack of capitalization, I'm not really sure how it benefits this work. It doesn't really add to any humor aspect nor does it draw upon anything about the squad.

If you'd like an actual serious criticism of this work, then let me know and I'll draft something up. It can be really tough to land the proverbial mark when writing humor and writing for an outside audience, so kudos for trying. I honestly think that if you put in some practice, then you'll be writing great humor pieces in no time.

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns, then please feel free to reply. I'd love to talk to you.

-E




zaminami says...


When I wrote this, I was literally on a full Kara chocolate high lol



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Fri Jan 05, 2018 7:09 pm
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I love this




zaminami says...


thx



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Mon Jan 01, 2018 3:12 pm
zaminami says...



@darkpandemonium, @Love, @pizzaroll, @Snazzy




zaminami says...


oh and @WhosabellCanWrite, @flumadiddle, @mjtucker



postmalone says...


My eyes!!!! Agggghhh my eyes! (The No Idiot Left Behind symbolizes how we're all a bunch of half-demonic, snarky, sarcastic, loveable people who tend to engage in idiotic moments for pure fun.) But seriously I like both NILB and The Reapers.



zaminami says...


XD



DeerInBacPac says...


*Calls Grim over*

I agree with this, E.E.

I KNOW!




Who overcomes by force, hath overcome but half his foe.
— John Milton (Poet)